We had a terrible tragedy yesterday. Lu had a long, hard labor. The child would move a bit and then stay, then move a bit more and then stay even longer. She rode the labor like a goddess, though. Moving, talking, shouting, many position, in and out of the tub, she did everything she should and more.
The memories of she and I in the tub during the final phase where we were both exhausted–her fatigue lightyears beyond mine–when she was pushing harder than what seemed physically possible, I will never forget it. It was transcendent and extremely physically real in a way that I have never experienced before. Lu is my hero.
But the shoulders were stuck. The midwives went into emergency mode and essentially pulled the child out of Lu, but by then it was nearly too late. He was blue when he emerged and the cord was only pulsing weekly.
All hell broke loose. 911, paramedics, the hospital, Lu on the ground sobbing, it was horrible. And it is seared into my mind forever. I was the only one with him at the hospital while they worked on him at the trauma ward. They got his heart beating and he started breathing, but it had been a long time. I was so scared and just out of my mind I could barely think, but I knew I had to go to him when they offered me the chance.
He was beautiful. Perfect and tiny, everything intact and finally there was a heart beating. That gave me a shred of hope for one second, but it was a bare, thin thread. I knew things were extremely serious.
Soon after, the doctors called me into a room and I said “oh FUCK” as soon as I saw what kind of rooms it was. It was nicely appointed with pictures on the wall, and just barely bigger than a closet. This was the place were horror lived.
The doctors told me that they had done a a variety of tests on him to see how well his brain was functioning, and the news was not good. Terrible, in fact. He was brain dead, they told me and that once off the ventilator he would would pass on very soon later.
They brought me to him in the NICU and I sat and held him in my arms for a while, just us. Lu had him inside her for so many months, but this was the first time he was also mine, in my arms. At first I didn’t want to hold him because I didn’t think I could handle it. But quickly I realized this was so terribely important. And I know that I will always cherish those hours with him despite the cords and beeps and horror of hosiptal. His heart was beating, he was pink and alive, and he was in my arms.
Family and friends showed up soon after that, I had to make horrible phone calls and soon Lu arrived from her recovery in the apartment. I told her what the doctor told me, she held him, and then she had to be taken off to be sutured from the trauma of her difficult ordeal.
Soon the entire family had arrived and we had him taken off the ventilator so he could pass quickly. At a spur of the moment, we asked about donating his organs and it turns out that they can use the valves of his heart. Hopefully he will help save the life of another tiny child.
Lu was admitted to the hospital and I stayed there with her. At 3am this morning they brought him to us, once he had passed. His name was Silas Orion Gallagher and he will be a part of us forever.
55 comments
Comments feed for this article
September 26, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Steve
Just gut-wrenching…my heart bleeds for you guys. We’re here if you need us.
September 26, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Rich
Words can not express our sadness. Please lean on your family and friends and don’t try to get through this alone. We love and care about both of you and are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers.
September 26, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Doug
The sadness of this event is extremely painful. You are so strong. Your strength is inspiring.
September 26, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Mike
i am broken right now. i have no words. we too, are here if we can be of any service
September 26, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Val Nordquist
Heartbreaking. I am so very sorry for your immeasurable loss. My thoughts are with you and your families.
September 26, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Jon
I have no words that express my thoughts for you both. Tell us if there is anything we can do for you. You are in our prayers.
September 26, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Dan Lisle
Fare thee well, fare thee well
I love you more than words can tell
Listen to the river sing sweet songs,
to rock my soul
I love you two.
September 26, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Jon
This is just terrible. My heart aches for your loss. If you need anything, feel free to ask, even just someone to talk to. I love you guys
September 26, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Frank Dwyer
I too am at a loss for words and just so sorry. May you get through this with the help of your frineds and family. RIP Silas.
September 26, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Mazur
“Soon after, the doctors called me into a room and I said “oh FUCK” as soon as I saw what kind of rooms it was. It was nicely appointed with pictures on the wall, and just barely bigger than a closet. This was the place were horror lived.”
I know this room – I have nightmares of it. I know exactly what you’re talking about.
Oh shit, this isn’t going to be good….
September 26, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Christa
Oh Lani and Chris – please know you are not alone. We are here for strength and support. We love you now and always.
Christa, Brad and Carly
September 26, 2008 at 5:13 pm
raluca
i feel much sadness for you both and what has happened. i send you both immense amounts of love, peace, strength and hope for the future. rest in peace little one.
September 26, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Catherine
Sending love, strength, and many hugs! I am so sorry for your loss.
September 26, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Cindy & Jon
There are no words to describe how sorry we are for your loss. Our hearts go out to you both, and if there is ANYTHING we can do, just ask. We love you both.
September 26, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Elise
We are friends of Tina’s, and wanted to send love and light to your family. You will be in our thoughts and prayers. Elise
September 27, 2008 at 8:47 am
Meg & Brian
We can’t even begin to know how you feel, we are just so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are in our constant thoughts and are praying for you both. Always know we are here for you , even just to talk.
September 27, 2008 at 8:52 am
michelle
i took a teacher training with Lani in August, she mentioned this blog…so i dropped in occasionally. anyway, i just wanted to send love, strength and prayers. i’m deeply sorry for your loss.
September 27, 2008 at 10:45 am
Shana
Pregnancy and birth are both miracles, and we sometimes take them for granted because we see them happening to other people, but more often than not, there are complications we don’t hear about. You are both brave and strong, and it seems like nothing could have been done…someday, you will both be wonderful parents.
September 27, 2008 at 11:24 am
Kara and Doug
Your grief must be immense. We love you both so much and feel so much saddness for you. We are here for anything that you can think of needing. Silas will always live in our hearts. Thank you for giving me the gift of being able to meet him.
Kara and Doug
September 27, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Karen and Jason
“I wish you peace when times are hard
A light to guide you through the dark
And when storms are high and your dreams are low
I wish you the strength to let love grow”
We love you guys so much, you are in our hearts.
Love,
Karen and Jason
September 27, 2008 at 8:18 pm
robin
Chris and Lani…I don’t even know what to say other than that we all love you very very much. Please stay strong…you are in my heart and thoughts.
Much love,
Robin
September 27, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Blythe
I’m so very sorry for your loss. Please know you’re in our thoughts and sending you a big hug! Blythe & Mike
September 28, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Brian
I am so sorry for your loss. Know i am thinking of you every day, and sending you love. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.
Lots of love,
Brian
September 29, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Newt
I’m so sorry. So very sorry for the loss of little Silas. You and Lu are in my thoughts and in my heart.
September 29, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Kristen
There are no words. You and your family will be in my prayers.
September 29, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Heather
I am so so sorry. No one should ever experience the loss of a child, especially not like this.
May peace come to you and your family in its time.
September 29, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Wendy
I am so very sorry for your loss of precious Silas. You are NOT alone. There are so many of us, holding on by a thread, after the loss of a child. There is no one else who will understand your confusion and pain, like we will. The days ahead will be difficult, but hold onto each other – that is where you will share your grief and your renewal.
Peace be with you.
September 29, 2008 at 2:54 pm
mdep
So very sorry about the loss of your beautiful boy, Silas. How truly amazing that he may bring life to another young child. You must be a truly amazing family, and I wish you peace and comfort at this difficult time.
September 29, 2008 at 2:58 pm
tash
Here from L&F — I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Silas and your family are in my thoughts. And yes, he will be a part of you forever — know that he’s remembered elsewhere, too.
September 29, 2008 at 4:09 pm
ashley h.
Here via L&F and I want to say that I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you are going through and I hope you and Lu hold each other extra tight.
September 29, 2008 at 5:05 pm
JuliaS
From L&F – I am truly sorry for the loss of your precious little boy. Wishing you peace and comfort for the days ahead. What a wonderful name too – Silas.
September 29, 2008 at 5:18 pm
kalakly
Also here from L & F. Please know in the days ahead that there are many of us who are walking with you on this long journey and that you will never be alone.
Thinking of your family.
September 29, 2008 at 5:45 pm
tryingin2007
I am heartbroken.
I am not even sure what to say. words escape me.
I am so very sorry for your tragic loss.
please take care of yourselves.
September 29, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Queenie
I am so, so sorry. Please take care of each other.
September 29, 2008 at 6:25 pm
JackiJaguar
I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. You, Lu and the rest of your family will be in my prayers.
September 29, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Natalie
So very, very sorry. I lost my son earlier this year. The pain is immense, but somehow you just keep walking, stumbling. I am so glad you got to hold your son. You will forever cherish those memories. My husband never held our son and I cry sometimes, thinking about it.
September 29, 2008 at 7:22 pm
bustedbabymaker
I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. Your whole family is in my thoughts. Poor little Silas will always be remembered.
September 29, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Sue
Another voice from Lost & Found. I’m so terribly sorry for the loss of your sweet Silas. I will be thinking of you and Lu, and your baby boy.
September 29, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Io
Here from LFCA.
You, your wife and your son will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Hold on to each other.
September 29, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Stacie
Here via Lost and Found. I wish that I am more eloquent than I am, although words alone just don’t seem like enough. I am so sorry for the loss of precious Silas. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
September 29, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Cibele
my heart aches for you.May God be with you, Iam so sorry
September 29, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Photogrl
Here from L & F…
Thinking of you and your family.
I’m so sorry.
September 30, 2008 at 6:32 am
Ms Heathen
Here from LFCA.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. You, your wife and son are in my thoughts.
September 30, 2008 at 11:03 am
Becky
I’m so very sorry for your loss. You all are in my hearts today and always.
September 30, 2008 at 3:38 pm
tigerjen77
I wish their were more words than just I am sorry for your loss. I cannot find them. I am so so sorry for the tragedy and loss.
September 30, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Paranoid
Here from L&F.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you in this horrible time.
September 30, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Suzanna Catherine
I know there are no words to bring you comfort. I am just so sorry for your loss.
September 30, 2008 at 10:26 pm
B
Fuck.
This is not right.
My thoughts and heart wil be with you in the coming weeks and months as they are now, as you and Lu live through what seems unliveable.
While you both feel unbareably empty and alone, know that there are others who have walked this road and left little lights to mark the way.
Silas is a beautiful name.
Rest well little fella. Youe daddy and mummy’s hearts are broken. They have more love for you then you could possibly imagine existed in this stupid and beautiful world.
I don’t know why you couldn’t stay.
I am so sorry you are not here.
B
September 30, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Phoebe
Your story is heartbreaking, your loss is huge. Hugs to you and your wife.
October 1, 2008 at 4:40 am
Portia P
I’m so very sorry.
Why does life have to be so cruel to some?
My thoughts are with you both
PP
October 1, 2008 at 3:14 pm
noswimmers
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My thoughts will be with you and your wife during this very difficult time.
October 1, 2008 at 6:38 pm
nina
chris and lani,
Please know our thoughts and love are with you. If we can do anything at all, please don’t hesitate to ask. So much love and healing sending your way.
love,
chris and nina
October 4, 2008 at 7:33 pm
jaded
i am so terribly sorry and in tears.
i have been there 2x with my husband so i indeed know the pain.
i know what it is to see your child struggling to live and to know that the only thing keeping that precious body alive are machines. i know the agony and cruely of hope when your baby gives signs of life but a doctor grimly informs you that things are not just bad but very bad.
you and Lu and courageous. there are no words for your pain.
please be ever so gentle with yourselves. i know you and Lu and your families can not possibly beleive it now, but you both WILL live through this horror, I can promise you both that. you Will make it somehow.
Silas is such a special name.
October 9, 2008 at 3:08 am
Trish
I’m so terribly sorry..
October 13, 2008 at 7:36 am
kathleen
Hi, you dont really know me. I buy a cup of iced coffee from you at the Coventry Farmers market some sundays. Weve chatted about homebirthing in October (the month my first son was born in) and other wonderful things having to do with birth, yoga, and coffee. yesterday when i went to the market, I learned of your sons passing. the sweet man who is selling your coffee and i cried. he gave me the info that got me to this site. thank you to both of you for writing your story. thank you for making Lu your hero and Silas your superhero. thank you to Lu for loving and believing in her body, her midwives, you and her son. And thank you for the chance to grieve once again for losses. I forget sometimes to breathe into that part of my body. You dont really know me, but i am with you in spirit, I am holding Silas sacred and you are a beautiful family.