I’ve always enjoyed my birthday, but when we lost Silas an edge appeared in that day and I felt a deep slice every year as it rolled around. I still feel that today. Silas should be here too and I have to fight to hold back the what-if’s and what-should’s. That path is so painful I simply cannot tread down it too far. How different this day and our lives and the world would have been. There is only what there is, though, and so here I am ready to embrace the happiness I have.
Woke up to a tiny laughing face.
Last year he was still potential for me, and I was terrified of hoping to much. As my birthday slipped by with Lu only a few months along I tried to exude a calm confidence I couldn’t quite believe. Nothing could be certain and true until I held him in my arms and heard his scream and felt his breath and saw the living, vital force in his eyes.
This morning Zeph was all there, loud and squirming and full of life. My son to teach and help grow. Lu brought him in bright and early and when he saw me he broke into smile and started laughing. Him knowing who I am, that I’m his dad, I’m the guy that will always love him more than anything he could possibly imagine is everything I’ve wanted and more than I dared hoped for. Time to get up and get at and enjoy this day with him to the fullest.