I was very anxious about seeing a newly pregnant friend recently. I didn’t know how it was going to go, and of course I was so jealous that it was almost blinding me. Towards the end of the visit, we were finally able to talk honestly about how we felt about this situation. About her being pregnant, us losing Silas. She said that when she found out she was pregnant, she was sad, scared, heartbroken and she cried. After learning about the death of a friends baby, I’m sure the last thing anyone wants to find out is that they are pregnant. But for me, finding out I was pregnant was the happiest feeling on earth. It made me so sad to think that it’s not that way for everyone. And that the loss of our beautiful Silas has caused such fear in so many women out there, a fear that didn’t exist before. We happen to have a lot of pregnant women in our life. Some have become pregnant since Silas, and others are giving birth pretty soon. I’m sure that most of them are scared. Now that they know what can happen. I hate that so much. That what is supposed to be the most amazing, incredible & beautiful experience has now been tainted by our bad luck. That is what it is. No one is to blame for Silas’ death. We were just unlucky. Our bad luck starts to make others wonder if they will be unlucky too.
I went into that pregnancy with some fear. Fear of a miscarriage, because almost every woman I know had one or two before they had their living, breathing beautiful babies. I assumed it would happen to me. It did not. I feared having a child with learning disabilities, autism, ADD, all kinds of stuff. I have been working with kids for over 10 years, I’ve seen it all and I’ve seen the best and the worst. I had fear about the delivery, that I wouldn’t be able to handle it naturally. I never in a million years ever expected to have a baby that would be born and would die 10 hours later. I thought maybe at some point in the delivery at home that I would need to go to the hospital because I was getting tired. I was a glass half full kinda person. Everything always works out in the end. It just does. But it didn’t. And now, I believe that shit happens. No reason for it, it just does. I have become skeptical and fearful.
Chris grew up with a mother with MS, so he has seen the dark side of life. He has faced his share of things not always working out. That wasn’t me. Things always did, and if they didn’t, we’d figure out a way to make it better. But with diseases and death, there is no way to make it better, it just is. We just have learn how to live with it in a healthy, functional way.
So now, when talking to friends who are pregnant, I don’t know what to say. I have no clue how to be. Yes, I was the statistic. The less then .05%. Stillbirth? Neonatal death? nah, not me. But now I have all these new friends who it has happened to. Who have fertility issues, miscarriages, stillbirths and neonatal deaths. It happens to people like you and me. I don’t know how to make you feel ok about your pregnancy. Doctors do not warn you of what could happen. I understand that to a point, would I have wanted to know all these risks involved? There is enough to be scared about as it is, do we need more? I don’t know. I do know that going into this next pregnancy, whenever it may be, I am already thinking about how I will approach it. After reading Elizabeth McCracken’s book “An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination,” she went into her subsequent pregnancy wanting it to be completely different. I’ve started to think- will I be taking pictures of my growing body again every week? Will I be reading about the weekly changes taking place? I don’t know. We will go to the same midwives, that we know. We will probably have a scheduled c/s – most likely. But the rest, who knows. I have a fear that didn’t exist before September 25, 2008. That I know and can’t help but feel.
For now though, I am going to enjoy my snow day. Put my fears aside, and continue on my reorganizational path. Oh, and dream of the Panamanian sun warming my body a week from now, maybe, possibly, drying up some of those fears that continue to hang out deep within me.
Elm City Dad 
15 comments
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January 28, 2009 at 2:56 pm
keira
I hate that you feel as though you have put fear into the minds of your loved ones. When I think of how you and Chris are doing, I try to take the positive step to remember how important it is to smother everyone I care about with love. Not just during the bad stuff, but over and over again for months and years to come. I hate that it took losing Silas to remember that.
We are sending you love today and every day.
January 28, 2009 at 3:15 pm
tash
Pregnant women also used to blind me. I was so jealous of their assumed naivete that I had to physcially turn away. Now two years later? I found myself in my OBs office staring at these women and felt . . . fear. Absolute fear for them. It’s a big office, there were a lot of women, statistically speaking . . . who was it going to be? It’s horrible.
I also feel like I’m the big boogyman. I also sometimes think I’m people’s statistical magic wand: “If it happened to her, and I was standing right there next to her, and the odds are 1:bazillion, then NO WAY will it happen to me.” Which doesn’t make me feel much better, frankly.
It’s all bad, isn’t it. We’re also trying to find a time and place to warm up.
January 28, 2009 at 5:08 pm
sally
Shit Lani. I know it is cliched to say, but I could have written this myself. Truly. I have had ALL the same thoughts. I hate that I stole some of that blissful ignorance from my friends. BUT, then I’ve had some tell me they ARE NOT scared by what happened to me, and I think but you SHOULD be, because NO ONE is immune from this. Bad shit happens to good people all the time. I too worried about miscarriage, baby being born sick (in fact Simon and I talked about the possibility of Hope being born sick when I was at home in labour all those days). Stillbirth? Never in a million years did I think it would happen to me. I do thinks obs and midwives need to talk about it more. There needs to be a fine line between providing facts and information and not totally freaking people out, it is still fairly rare. I was told so much about SIDS during the pregnancy – to me that is just as scary. But I know so much about it, and know all the things to do to prevent it but I have no child to put this knowledge to good use. It is so unfair.
Big hugs to you Lani. We are both so in need of our upcoming holidays!!
January 28, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Bon
i suck.
i spent two months on hospital bedrest during my subsequent pregnancy, surrounded by scared women (mostly there cause they were having twins, or had their water break early, though all past serious statistical viability dangers) and i remember being baffled by them when they trickled into the lounge meeting we all got wheeled to in my early days there. i had no sympathy for them whatsoever, thought they were seriously sissies for being worried when clearly THEIR babies were probably going to be fine.
i didn’t mean to be insensitive, just couldn’t get over how naive they were and how much they complained about being hospitalized when they were all 30 weeks or more and i was only 25 and very very afraid of another 26week death (which in itself was the bad side of odds, as 75% of 26 weekers live). the loss of their illusions didn’t even register with me. i was thrilled when there were no more lounge meetings during the two months i was there.
only now, so much later, do i realize how angry and afraid i must have been, and am i able to avoid sounding heartless when talking to first timers with all their excitement and certainty.
all that to say i know your fear and am amazed by your good heart and how un-ugly your fear actually is. and that i wish you joy.
January 28, 2009 at 7:48 pm
writerGirl
Sorry to be ignorant, but what is a C/S?
I was amazed to hear Angelina Jolie brag about how she loves being pregnant. I will spend every day of the first 12 weeks waking up every day wondering if I’ll see blood or not. After that, I will feel a lot better (but obviously there are other concerns after that.) This is not anything I love! Not yet.
It’s a little different if you’re under 35, I think. But really, so many things can go wrong.
Instead of “fear,” I’m cautious. I won’t be buying baby clothes, painting the nursery or telling anyone for a long time. And even then, there are no guarantees.
January 28, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Michelle
I like the idea of the sun warming your soul, drying up your fears, making you feel loved and hugged by your surroundings. thinking of you, chris and silas often. love you guys.
January 28, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Dalene
So much of what you’ve written resonates with me. Sometimes I feel like I am a harbinger of death, an living breathing example of the worst thing that can happen. I hate that I’ve taken away some of the innocence of my female friends. I have to frequently remind myself that it’s not my fault…and it’s not your fault either. You are right that you were just unlucky–very unlucky.
I also feared that my son would have Down’s syndrome or autism or allergies. Don’t those fears seem so trivial now? I, too, had no idea how bad it could get, that a healthy baby could die in labor. I feel duped and I hate that.
January 28, 2009 at 8:20 pm
elmcitymom
hi writer girl- a c/s is a cesarean section. Also, anything can happen no matter how old you are. Percentages change depending on age but don’t think you can’t have something go wrong if you are under 35. Being cautious is good. I am not much of a cautious person by nature but maybe now I will be more cautious. Also, I guess the excitement led me to have baby stuff in the house. I did not have a room ready, but we did have things set to go. Probably won’t do that next time. And I think with life, as we know, there are no guarantees.
thanks everyone for continuously reading and commenting- its like an ongoing conversation that never ends. Just working it all out, in public.
January 29, 2009 at 12:04 am
Gal
you know what’s interesting? i’ve had kind of an opposite response from people around me who are pregnant. it like because it hasn’t happened to them, even though it’s happened to someone close to them (me), they don’t really believe it can. and then it’s like they totally forget that it can happen, that it’s possible. i guess i can’t speak for everyone, and i can’t really know what they think in their heads when they hear my story. but i am still in awe that it’s possible for someone to know about Tikva and go on with their pregnancy and not get an ultrasound to make sure things look okay, or a hundred other things. but as my husband reminds me, they really can’t know until it’s happened to them.
January 29, 2009 at 12:53 am
mamaliza
ditto. i also feel like my horror story has scared the shit out of everyone i know. i also was worried about having a miscarriage or a baby with some kind of problem- add, autism, etc…but not a death just before a birth. our tragedies have changed not only us but everyone around us and the fear is real cuz if this could happen to you and me it could happen to anyone and we know that best of all. i too am thinking about how i’d do everything differently next time, hoping that there is a next time. i hope that the reorganizing gives you some peace of mind and the promise of sun on your skin soon keeps those fears at bay.
January 29, 2009 at 10:24 am
Ezra's Mommy
i know that my horror story has had a ripple effect, reframing things for so many who are either currently pregnant or want to be pregnant. but i have so little patience for those who still go along blissfully ignorant…and yet at the same time feel guilty for challenging that blissfulness…that was me, and i wish every woman that happy blissful feeling…even though i will never get it back.
January 29, 2009 at 3:22 pm
mom
please my darling daughter….do not let fear permeate your being….the unthinkable happened to you….to us…..there just isnt always a rhyme or reason for the bad things that happen to good people…
i take solace in knowing that your pregnancy was fine….that you and silas were healthy throughout…..the delivery is going to be the difference and that is going to MAKE THE DIFFERENCE….because knowledge makes us stronger and wiser and helps us to make different choices.
i have spoken to more people than i thought possible who have lost a child or know someone who has lost a child and each and every one has gone on to have one, two or even three healthy children.
it is wise to live your life being educated and knowledgable…..it is wise to make good decisions off of the knowledge that you gain….and still it doesnt necessarily go the way you plan….but fear inhibits your ability to move forward ….it is like a brick wall that stops you in your tracks.
you are a brave and smart young woman. you will use caution….you will use care ….you will do all the things that need to be done….fear be damned….there are happy endings abounding out there….you will have one …..i love you,
January 30, 2009 at 9:00 am
Poppy
it really is hard to imagine getting past the fear. Having worked, also with kids, most of whom had autism, adhd, etc. I started to see that as the norm.
I think that writing it out, and reading it(for me) is so helpful, many of us know more than we’d like to about what can go wrong. My most deep hope is that we will experience things going right, and truly appreciate them.
January 30, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Karen
I admire your honesty. I admire your willingness to share yourself publicly and to open up to others. This blog seems to be a great path for support for you and for others. I love you Lani and Chris and I think of you and Silas often. Bring on the sun to warm your body and your heart.
February 5, 2009 at 3:11 pm
MoDLin
Yes, bring on the sun and bake. Soak in all the soothing warmth you can. It helps, as does sharing your thoughts and fears with us. We’re grateful to you for the conversation because many of us have been unable to talk about it much. Thanks for your openness and honesty.
A lot of people don’t know what to say. The March of Dimes has a bereavement kit that address that issue, and others. Many families have found it helpful. You can read about it and even order a free copy at this link: http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/572_15999.asp.
Wishing you peace and a wonderful trip.