I was very anxious about seeing a newly pregnant friend recently. I didn’t know how it was going to go, and of course I was so jealous that it was almost blinding me. Towards the end of the visit, we were finally able to talk honestly about how we felt about this situation. About her being pregnant, us losing Silas.  She said that when she found out she was pregnant, she was sad, scared, heartbroken and she cried. After learning about the death of a friends baby, I’m sure the last thing anyone wants to find out is that they are pregnant. But for me, finding out I was pregnant was the happiest feeling on earth. It made me so sad to think that it’s not that way for everyone. And that the loss of our beautiful Silas has caused such fear in so many women out there, a fear that didn’t exist before.  We happen to have a lot of pregnant women in our life. Some have become pregnant since Silas, and others are giving birth pretty soon. I’m sure that most of them are scared. Now that they know what can happen. I hate that so much. That what is supposed to be the most amazing, incredible & beautiful experience has now been tainted by our bad luck. That is what it is. No one is to blame for Silas’ death. We were just unlucky. Our bad luck starts to make others wonder if they will be unlucky too.

I went into that pregnancy with some fear. Fear of a miscarriage, because almost every woman I know had one or two before they had their living, breathing beautiful babies. I assumed it would happen to me. It did not. I feared having a child with learning disabilities, autism, ADD, all kinds of stuff. I have been working with kids for over 10 years, I’ve seen it all and I’ve seen the best and the worst. I had fear about the delivery, that I wouldn’t be able to handle it naturally. I never in a million years ever expected to have a baby that would be born and would die 10 hours later. I thought maybe at some point in the delivery at home that I would need to go to the hospital because I was getting tired. I was a glass half full kinda person. Everything always works out in the end. It just does. But it didn’t. And now, I believe that shit happens. No reason for it, it just does. I have become skeptical and fearful.

Chris grew up with a mother with MS, so he has seen the dark side of life. He has faced his share of things not always working out. That wasn’t me. Things always did, and if they didn’t, we’d figure out a way to make it better. But with diseases and death, there is no way to make it better, it just is. We just have learn how to live with it in a healthy, functional way.

So now, when talking to friends who are pregnant, I don’t know what to say. I have no clue how to be. Yes, I was the statistic. The less then .05%.  Stillbirth? Neonatal death? nah, not me. But now I have all these new friends who it has happened to. Who have fertility issues, miscarriages, stillbirths and neonatal deaths. It happens to people like you and me. I don’t know how to make you feel ok about your pregnancy.  Doctors do not warn you of what could happen. I understand that to a point, would I have wanted to know all these risks involved? There is enough to be scared about as it is, do we need more? I don’t know. I do know that going into this next pregnancy, whenever it may be, I am already thinking about how I will approach it. After reading Elizabeth McCracken’s book “An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination,” she went into her subsequent pregnancy wanting it to be completely different. I’ve started to think- will I be taking pictures of my growing body again every week? Will I be reading about the weekly changes taking place? I don’t know. We will go to the same midwives, that we know. We will probably have a scheduled c/s – most likely. But the rest, who knows. I have a fear that didn’t exist before September 25, 2008. That I know and can’t help but feel.

For now though, I am going to enjoy my snow day. Put my fears aside, and continue on my reorganizational path. Oh, and dream of the Panamanian sun warming my body a week from now, maybe, possibly, drying up some of those fears that continue to hang out deep within me.

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