So, today its officially 3 months since Silas was born and died. Everywhere I go, with everything I do, I picture doing it with Silas. I think about him in his car seat while I’m driving around, going to work and shopping. I think about bringing him from school to school and leaving him in the infant rooms while I teach my yoga classes. I picture him in his sling around me as I clean the apt and do errands in the neighborhood. I think about him laying across my chest while I’m relaxing and watching tv. It never ends. I do have those moments where I don’t think about what happened to us at all. Is that a defense mechanism? I don’t know. But then reality hits and he’s there again. Those moments where I don’t think about Silas are so fleeting. I assume they’ll get more frequent and for longer periods of time, but I can’t imagine that happening anytime soon. I mean c’mon people, its only been 3 months.
I hate this feeling. Not having a baby, not being pregnant, still carrying around these last few pounds of baby weight, everyone assuming I’m having a hard time because of the holidays. Luckily we really don’t celebrate them so it being Christmas & Hanukkah really doesn’t matter much to me. What affects me most is that I should have a 3 month old baby with me, regardless of the time of year. New Years is a bit tougher to swallow though. We planned on having a quiet night with friends, making dinner and throwing dishes against the wall to get out all this pent up anger. But both couples we were planning to be with are pregnant and I don’t think I can handle it. I want to, they are great friends of mine who I love dearly, but I can’t. I know I can’t and I don’t want to spend new years eve sad. So we’re back to square one.
I’d love to be on an island with hot sun beating down on my skin, but try making plans this close to new years without spending a fortune. Its just not happening and it pisses me off. I was watching some stupid pseudo reality show the other day and this couple was staying in this beautiful hotel in Mexico that looked like exactly like where I would want to be. I was so mad because I knew that we could never feasibly go somewhere like that and thought how much we deserved that right now and how much they didn’t because they are really such assholes. It made me furious. So right now, nothing sounds appealing for new years but I’m sure we’ll figure something out. Last year we saw some fun music and had a blast – it was the type of new years we’ve had for many many years now. I assumed it would be our last crazy one for a long time. I wasn’t even pregnant yet when I thought that, but I knew. So now that we are baby-less, it pains me to even think about it. The only importance I’m placing on this day is that its the last of 2008, the shittiest year collectively for many people in our lives. I have hopes for 2009 but I’m not going to hold my breath.
The one bright spot in our lives right now is this awesome kitten we are watching for the next 3 weeks. We already have 2 old cats of our own, so this sweet little guy Einstein (pronounced Einshtein and named by our german friend Birke) is all over the place. He runs around trying to get Chumby and Bandha to play with him. They are old and grumpy and think he’s crazy. Its been a hiss-fest these last few days, but slowly but surely, they are getting used to each other. He is fun and new and cute and cuddly and he seems to love Chris. He just runs away from me which I’m so not used to because our 2 kitties just adore me. Regardless, its really nice and refreshing having this lovable creature breathe some new life in our apt in these dark dark days.
11 comments
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December 18, 2008 at 11:44 pm
steve w
It makes me sad to listen to you mark the time and speak about your anticipated moments with your son. I can’t help but be torn up about how things could have been very different for you two. When I spoke about the mystery, this was not the one I wanted you to discover.
I hope you find that warm sunny place soon.
Love,
Steve
December 19, 2008 at 12:42 am
Mrs.spit
I’m sorry. The angry days are always hard for me. It seems like everyone else has a baby, and no one seems to really appreciate what they have.
We went away for Gabe’s due date, to CA, and it was wonderful.
Do what you can, you don’t have to spend time with pregnant friends, that’s really hard.
Hang in there. It get’s easier.
December 19, 2008 at 12:49 am
Sally
Four months for us exactly today. And yes, regardless of it being Christmas, every day still sucks. Every day she is not here. Hey, how bout you guys fly down to Australia and spend new year with us? I can cook and then we can smash all of it! it’s warm here and Simon’s beer will be on tap by then. Free accomodation!
Thinking of you guys as always. We always seem to have the same thoughts Lani xo
December 19, 2008 at 9:26 am
ezra's mommy
The anniversaries are hard, they really are. Please know that Silas really is with you when you do all of those things, the errands, the house cleaning, watching tv…I really do believe this. Of course he’s not there in the real live poopy diaper, milky spit up, gurgling beautiful adorableness that he should be…but he’s there, right with you, trying to help you make sense of it all.
I am one to believe that kittens may well be the answer to many of life’s problems 🙂 We have two cats of our own who continue to give me great love and snuggles as I limp along this journey. But in the 8 weeks I was not working, I visited a nearby pet store frequently (almost daily) that keeps stray kittens in the window for adoption. Something about their fuzzy energy just gave me a little hope, despite myself.
December 19, 2008 at 9:55 am
Kristina
Aw Lani, I wish I could jet you away to a tropical paradise! I’m glad the kitten is bringing you some smiles. ((HUGS))
December 19, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Shana
Our grandson that we were raising passed away suddenly in September.He was 3 months and 18 days. I still have days that I am sick, I can not and do not want to be a part of the world we have been chosen to be in. I do feel robbed. But our faith has been the only thing to comfort me. Make him part of your life, speak of him daily, we do. He is as much a part of us today as the day before he passed. It will make some people feel odd at first when you are speaking about your son. He is your son and you are still parents. You are in my prayers and will pray that the sadness in lifted and that your memories of him forever clear.
December 19, 2008 at 10:29 pm
mom
hi sweetheart…..we are all part of the silas countdown….two months…three months….every day is a sad reminder that he is not here in our arms and only and forever in our hearts.
i am sorry that new years is not working out for you….you will have to wait one more month and then you will have the florida sunshine to warm you from the inside out.
a mothers love for her child is immeasurable….somewhere in the great beyond our beautiful little baby knows how much he is loved…..how much he is missed…
try to take each day at a time…find something in the day to smile about and know that your mother loves you ……and that i am feeling the loss along with you …..we all are….
i wish i could make it all go away…..but i cant ….so just know that you are not alone…
much love from your mom
December 19, 2008 at 11:09 pm
inga
sending hugs…
December 20, 2008 at 2:56 am
Rachel
hugs xxx
December 24, 2008 at 1:55 pm
mammaliza
i would love to smash plates and bottles with you two for nye. in fact that is our plan. we will hold you in our hearts as we smash. saying goodbye to this bittersweet year. and thinking of silas and lev, our beautiful boys.
also holding you guys as we travel, wishing you a little warmth and sending out the sounds of the sea.
xox
December 27, 2008 at 5:12 pm
robin
Hi Lani…
Just for you, I’ll try to smash some dinner plates on New Year’s. : )
Give “einshtein” a rub on the ears for me, and I know that one day you will find that warm, happy, sunny place.
Love and hugs,
Robin