So, today its officially 3 months since Silas was born and died. Everywhere I go, with everything I do, I picture doing it with Silas. I think about him in his car seat while I’m driving around, going to work and shopping. I think about bringing him from school to school and leaving him in the infant rooms while I teach my yoga classes. I picture him in his sling around me as I clean the apt and do errands in the neighborhood. I think about him laying across my chest while I’m relaxing and watching tv. It never ends. I do have those moments where I don’t think about what happened to us at all. Is that a defense mechanism? I don’t know. But then reality hits and he’s there again. Those moments where I don’t think about Silas are so fleeting. I assume they’ll get more frequent and for longer periods of time, but I can’t imagine that happening anytime soon. I mean c’mon people, its only been 3 months.
I hate this feeling. Not having a baby, not being pregnant, still carrying around these last few pounds of baby weight, everyone assuming I’m having a hard time because of the holidays. Luckily we really don’t celebrate them so it being Christmas & Hanukkah really doesn’t matter much to me. What affects me most is that I should have a 3 month old baby with me, regardless of the time of year. New Years is a bit tougher to swallow though. We planned on having a quiet night with friends, making dinner and throwing dishes against the wall to get out all this pent up anger. But both couples we were planning to be with are pregnant and I don’t think I can handle it. I want to, they are great friends of mine who I love dearly, but I can’t. I know I can’t and I don’t want to spend new years eve sad. So we’re back to square one.
I’d love to be on an island with hot sun beating down on my skin, but try making plans this close to new years without spending a fortune. Its just not happening and it pisses me off. I was watching some stupid pseudo reality show the other day and this couple was staying in this beautiful hotel in Mexico that looked like exactly like where I would want to be. I was so mad because I knew that we could never feasibly go somewhere like that and thought how much we deserved that right now and how much they didn’t because they are really such assholes. It made me furious. So right now, nothing sounds appealing for new years but I’m sure we’ll figure something out. Last year we saw some fun music and had a blast – it was the type of new years we’ve had for many many years now. I assumed it would be our last crazy one for a long time. I wasn’t even pregnant yet when I thought that, but I knew. So now that we are baby-less, it pains me to even think about it. The only importance I’m placing on this day is that its the last of 2008, the shittiest year collectively for many people in our lives. I have hopes for 2009 but I’m not going to hold my breath.
The one bright spot in our lives right now is this awesome kitten we are watching for the next 3 weeks. We already have 2 old cats of our own, so this sweet little guy Einstein (pronounced Einshtein and named by our german friend Birke) is all over the place. He runs around trying to get Chumby and Bandha to play with him. They are old and grumpy and think he’s crazy. Its been a hiss-fest these last few days, but slowly but surely, they are getting used to each other. He is fun and new and cute and cuddly and he seems to love Chris. He just runs away from me which I’m so not used to because our 2 kitties just adore me. Regardless, its really nice and refreshing having this lovable creature breathe some new life in our apt in these dark dark days.