So I did get my tattoo on Sunday. Its absolutely beautiful and perfect. Our good friend Cindy who just happens to be a tattoo artist helped to design it and inked my inner left wrist with a tree (based on the book The Giving Tree) and the constellation of Orion in the sky. I can’t stop looking at it, as it is my only tattoo in such a prominent place. I have 5 others, all somewhat hidden from me unless its summer. I do have a flower on my belly button which was interesting to see expand with my pregnant belly. Now I can’t stand looking at it since I’ve yet to lose the last 15 lbs of baby weight. This new one though, it’s always in sight, always there to remind me of my precious little boy who I will never get to hold in my arms.
Chris was having difficulty that day in deciding what to get. Nothing seemed to work for him so he decided to wait. It has been a tough week for him, seeing me with mine and it being so perfect and beautiful. But he will get his soon, and then he’ll be carrying Silas also where he’ll never be out of sight. We will post pix of both of ours together as soon as Chris gets his.
So this week our friend Michelle from SF was in town visiting us and we spent a few days in Boston. We had a great time visiting old friends, and reconnecting with a city that both of us lived in when we did not know each other. It was fun to see how the city had changed while also visiting old favorite places. Chris had a coffee seminar which was the reason for the trip.
The city life came back to us full force every night that we were out to dinner and hanging with friends. Our life here in New Haven is not even remotely close to what we had in SF as far as any sort of social life. We moved here knowing that we didn’t have friends to get beers with after work or go bike riding with on Sat afternoon or see shows with any given night of the week. Oh we have tons of friends in the northeast area, but none in this same city (though since we’ve moved here we’ve met a few really great people in our ‘hood). I enjoyed what moving here brought us- family close by, quiet nights and weekends away to visit with our friends and their kids. It was a different sort of lifestyle then we both had been used to. But it was what I was craving, especially since we got pregnant in Jan of last year. We came here to start a family and quiet our lives and it felt good.
So things have taken a new path. Our plan of starting a family has now been postponed. But it was what we had come here to do, all our energy all year went into preparation for a new lifestyle that everyone around us here on the east coast had already done years before us. Out in SF, our group of friends were a bit behind, only in the last year did people begin to have babies. Here, we were pretty much the minority until I got pregnant. So being in Boston, and going out and being social brought us back to that life again.
But it freaked me out. I can’t go there, or even think about going there. I want to continue on this path we started. I do understand that itch and longing for friends to hang out with during the week and living in a city where there was so much to do everywhere you look. But at this moment, right now, it feels like going backwards. It is like giving up on this carefully crafted plan we had. Who knows, maybe we’ll have the city life again, but with our kids. We’ll figure it out. Just like we are figuring out how to get through each day.
For now though, I will chill out on the couch with the remote as I admire my new tattoo. I have no place to be, no one to meet up with and a quiet, rainy night at home alone. And I’m ok with that.
6 comments
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November 14, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Tamara
Loved having you here in Boston. Our home is yours, whenever you decide to come back.
xoxo
November 15, 2008 at 5:05 pm
mom
we are all so happy that you are back home with us…..we know that the life you have prescribed for yourselves will be the life you will have…change is good ….it helps us to grow and to become….
i cannot wait to see the beautiful tattoo that represents our beautiful little baby …..i am so happy that neither you nor i will have to travel hours and hours and hours to make that possible…..you are not around the corner but you are close enough that i can consider you HOME….and home is where the heart is…..and home is where you and chris are creating a beautiful life together which will grow the way you have always dreamed…..
with everything you do you make me proud…..you will be able to pass that mantle on to your next generation….
you are loved….
November 15, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Bon
i’m looking forward to seeing your tattoos.
we moved back to my quiet hometown from our social, kid-free life in Asia when i was pregnant with Finn. after he died, we were doubly discombobulated, because we’d turned our lives utterly upside down – most willingly, and with joy – preparing for parenthood…but had no other lives to go back to or revert to, where we were. reading your post, i realize that even if we had, i wouldn’t have wanted it. the step forward, the break, had already been made. i remember how disconcerting it was, and how cruel, though…
it warms my heart to read the comments above, from people who clearly cherish and support you and are able – through the site – to find a space to say so directly.
November 15, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Sally
we are still on the path we created lani. we both still did become mothers. we gave birth to two beautiful babies who just didn’t stay. i know exactly what you mean in this post, we are in the exact same space. it is just going to take us both that little bit longer to get us to our dream destiation. and that is motherhood with a beautiful living child to care for, the ultimate reward for all our hard work and determination. we’ll get there. holding your hand all the way xo
November 15, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Auntie Lis
hi lani,
i am so thankful you are out here. you and chris came back for the most important of reasons – family. the family that you have and the family you will create.
the tattoo is beautiful and a perfect tribute to silas – “of the trees”. his tree is here too, and the other day i spotted a bird perched on one of its small, thin branches. it felt so good to see that. it was as if by being there, the bird had accepted the tree and its place on earth.
love you both,
melissa
November 18, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Mindy
Lani,
reading this post made me feel so good for you. Of course, I cried myself soaking, but it felt like it was a great decision and I am so happy you can stare at it whenever you’d like.
And let me just say that we are so happy to have you on the east side. It was our turn to have you guys!
Love love love,
Mindy