A month has gone by now. My body seems to be physically healed at this point, luckily that part went fast. I was up and moving around pretty much after the first week. Even the milk dried up quickly. My daily doses of cabbage – ice – cabbage – ice seemed to do the trick. A friend sent me some Stop Milk tea which I’m sure also helped to speed up the drying time. What has been the most challenging part for me these days though is having this baby weight as a reminder. It is pure torture to look at my belly and see the remnants of a baby that had been growing in there for almost 10 months, but not have the baby. How could that be? It makes the last 10 months of my life seem like it never happened. That is what is so fucked up about this. I think about my pregnancy and my 18 hour labor and want to just scream. Where is my prize for all of that? I can’t believe that my body went through almost a year of work, such hard work for this amazing little prize, but end up with nothing. This whole thing is so screwed up.
Every time I think that I can handle this, or I don’t think about what just happened to us, I look down at this reminder and want to cry. I haven’t been physically active in a long time. Those last few months of my pregnancy I couldn’t move that well so I just didn’t. I’m used to teaching a few hours worth of kids yoga classes every day and lots of walking and moving around. Once I get back on that path, I know my body will respond and I’ll start to look like my old self again. But what’s crazy is that inside I am changed, and there is no getting that back, no matter what. I can teach and hike and practice my yoga and all of that will transform me into looking like my old self. But I can never be my old self no matter what I do. I plan on taking acroyoga workshops and other yoga related grief & loss workshops in the coming months. I am aware of what I need to do for myself to get on this path of healing from the inside out. I plan on going there, as difficult as it may be, and I need to go deep.
I’ve been a yogi for about 15 years now. Yoga has transformed my life in so many ways. The breathing is what got me through 18 hours of labor. It’s like I had been practicing for this moment for the last 15 years. I’ve always been flexible and able to move my body freely but during my pregnancy it got to a point where I couldn’t move my body the way I was used to. It kind of freaked me out – I thought I’d stay pretty flexible up until the end. That last month I really couldn’t do a thing. It was torture to even try to get up. I dreamed of the moment where I could touch my toes again or sit comfortably or get up without grunting. I couldn’t wait to have my normal body back. Now that its back, I don’t want it. I would give anything to be pregnant again. It is really hard to make that transformation in my brain. I sometimes still think I’m eating for two, or that I can’t help Chris lift and carry his coffee stuff or that I should be getting the pregnant woman’s special treatment. Right now I’m not pregnant anymore, yet I am not a new mother with a brand new baby. I don’t have either and it’s a really horrible, lost feeling. My body and mind still scream out “I’m pregnant” yet I’m not.
I’m hoping that getting back on my yoga path will help me with this mind/body transformation that I need so badly. I know this is a long road, that healing takes time. It’s also important for me to start my own practice again before I bring it to the kids. Getting back to work for me is all part of this process. As hard as it will be for me to be with the kids again, I also know they will be instrumental in bringing some light back into my life. I will get through this though, one OM at a time.
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October 23, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Sally
Two months down the track, and my belly has all but gone now. I think with the stress and sadness, it just all came off. And that makes me sad. I look down now and remember where she lived all those months, but there is no physical proof it ever happened. Just like that, she was gone and I look the same again. Not a single stretch mark, nothing. Did it even happen or did I dream it? I look at my pregnancy photos and they just taunt me. All that happiness, all that excitement. Gone. Gone. Gone. I hope your yoga and the laughter of the children will help to heal your broken heart Lani xo
October 23, 2008 at 11:48 pm
robin
Hi Lani and Chris,
“Healing takes time.” It’s painful…but there is truth in that statement. I know it’s easy for me to say, but please keep the faith that love will find a way to bring you some peace.
With a loving hug…
Robin
October 23, 2008 at 11:54 pm
mom
sweetheart……i never saw anyone glow the way you did as when you were pregnant… i think i was glowing with you……my memories of sitting with you and just rubbing your stomach….talking to the baby inside…being filled with the wonder of the child that we would get to love and cherish..those were good memories to hold onto…..you were beautiful then and you are beautiful now….
that body of yours was so strong during labor….so strong during delivery….it was strong because your inner being is strong….you will be able to look down at your physical self and cherish the home that you will give to the future child you will carry….
dont despair ,…..just use all the knowledge and skill that you have to ready yourself for the wonders that await you in that future….
your little students will help you to get to the next place…their laughter and love for you will lift you up……my students have done that for me….as we teach …we learn….and as we impact their lives our lives are impacted as well…..
take those steps that lead you towards healing….i know that yoga….doing it and teaching it ….will be the bridge towards your better tomorrow…that and the love we all share for you and chris….
you always make me proud…..and i love you so much
…
October 24, 2008 at 1:08 am
Michelle
thinking of you and each OM that makes you stronger. I’m hopeful that you can do your fancy acro-yoga tricks with me again too, I have always been amazed by your physical strength, I know you can gain it all back, along with pieces of your soul.
October 24, 2008 at 1:54 am
becca
chills race down my arms reading this. i feel so much that i want to reverse the world and give it all back to you, and we can’t. we miss you so much and know nothing will help give you what you need at this moment. we can give you our love and support and out neverending thoughts. you’ve both always been an inspiration of an incredible relationship and love, and we’ll continue to keep this in our thoughts as we watch you heal and grow from this experience. love you and cant wait to see you for a hug.
all our xx’s and oo’s from san francisco
October 24, 2008 at 11:33 am
dad
The grieving books all say that a grandfather is the last in importance in situations like this. I felt like a grandfather so briefly when I held my grandson and looked into his beautiful little face and counted the beautiful little fingers and toes, 10 of each as they were suppossed to be. For years my friends became grandparents again and again and again and finally it was my turn. I have had a wonderful and incredible life with the only real grief being parents, in-laws, uncles and aunts in the normal progression of life. I was not prepared for this as it only happened to someone else.
I could not wait to hold a wiggling little baby, change my first diaper since my own children and prove trustworthy to my kids that I could take care of my grandchild by myself and give them some free time. Watch my baby crawl, then walk and run and be silly with him. Watch him go to nursury school and regular school and brag about how smart he is. Have the opportunity to play catch and all the silly games that children play. Watch him play soccor or baseball or whatever sport he would like and brag about what a great athlete my grandson is. Walk with him and tell him not always truthfully what a great athlete his grandfather was and to teach him tennis and golf and any other game or sport he would like. I know that time heals and another baby will help. There will always be a place in my heart for my first and not a day goes by when I do not think about little Silas. And it really isn’t about the grandfather because as Roberta says as parents you are only as happy as your least happiest child and my heart breaks for my beautiful daughter and son-in-law. Time will heal us all and we will move on and be in a better place. There will be great family times in the future and I believe that all of us, even the grandfather will once again feel better about the world and love and care and be optimistic about what our life will be like.
October 24, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Nuwie
thinking of you every day lani. ((hugs)) xoxoxo
October 24, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Marybeth
My heart is still aching for you, but I am also glad to see that there is hope in your words. I am glad that you have yoga as such a powerful force in your life and I’m confident that it will help to heal you. Thank you for writing here. There is so much love between you & Chris, and so much love on this blog. Although I know that there isn’t anything that would be enough. I am thinking about you every day. Be kind to yourself. We love you.
October 24, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Karen
One OM at a time Lani..you can do this. We love you and are thinking of you constantly.
xoxo
October 25, 2008 at 9:37 am
stacey
you and your family’s strength is inspirational, wishing you continued healing
October 25, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Tracy
Not a day goes by that I don’t think, mourn and pray for you and Chris. I love you both and am in awe by your strength, perspective and openness.
Sending all my love and thoughts…
October 27, 2008 at 9:56 am
Auntie Lis
Lani,
I am grateful for Chris’ frequent entries because it keeps me connected to his daily thoughts, emotions and experiences. When you write and offer us all a window into your world, it brings me an added sense of comfort even as I read of your pain. Because you too, are here – living, breathing, getting through each day and “driving, slowly” just as Chris does.
Yoga lives inside you, and I have no doubt that it will guide you in your journey to find peace.
The two of you are struggling through this in your own way and I am just so thankful that you have each other.
The peach tree stands- living and thriving.
All my love,
Melissa
October 28, 2008 at 9:57 am
Elizabeth
You may want to check out http://www.erinnewmanlong.blogspot.com. She just had a baby recently, but she lost a baby through a homebirth stillbirth last year and her posts are very eloquent. I’m sorry for your loss.