A month has gone by now. My body seems to be physically healed at this point, luckily that part went fast. I was up and moving around pretty much after the first week. Even the milk dried up quickly. My daily doses of cabbage – ice – cabbage – ice seemed to do the trick. A friend sent me some Stop Milk tea which I’m sure also helped to speed up the drying time. What has been the most challenging part for me these days though is having this baby weight as a reminder. It is pure torture to look at my belly and see the remnants of a baby that had been growing in there for almost 10 months, but not have the baby. How could that be? It makes the last 10 months of my life seem like it never happened. That is what is so fucked up about this. I think about my pregnancy and my 18 hour labor and want to just scream. Where is my prize for all of that? I can’t believe that my body went through almost a year of work, such hard work for this amazing little prize, but end up with nothing. This whole thing is so screwed up.
Every time I think that I can handle this, or I don’t think about what just happened to us, I look down at this reminder and want to cry. I haven’t been physically active in a long time. Those last few months of my pregnancy I couldn’t move that well so I just didn’t. I’m used to teaching a few hours worth of kids yoga classes every day and lots of walking and moving around. Once I get back on that path, I know my body will respond and I’ll start to look like my old self again. But what’s crazy is that inside I am changed, and there is no getting that back, no matter what. I can teach and hike and practice my yoga and all of that will transform me into looking like my old self. But I can never be my old self no matter what I do. I plan on taking acroyoga workshops and other yoga related grief & loss workshops in the coming months. I am aware of what I need to do for myself to get on this path of healing from the inside out. I plan on going there, as difficult as it may be, and I need to go deep.
I’ve been a yogi for about 15 years now. Yoga has transformed my life in so many ways. The breathing is what got me through 18 hours of labor. It’s like I had been practicing for this moment for the last 15 years. I’ve always been flexible and able to move my body freely but during my pregnancy it got to a point where I couldn’t move my body the way I was used to. It kind of freaked me out – I thought I’d stay pretty flexible up until the end. That last month I really couldn’t do a thing. It was torture to even try to get up. I dreamed of the moment where I could touch my toes again or sit comfortably or get up without grunting. I couldn’t wait to have my normal body back. Now that its back, I don’t want it. I would give anything to be pregnant again. It is really hard to make that transformation in my brain. I sometimes still think I’m eating for two, or that I can’t help Chris lift and carry his coffee stuff or that I should be getting the pregnant woman’s special treatment. Right now I’m not pregnant anymore, yet I am not a new mother with a brand new baby. I don’t have either and it’s a really horrible, lost feeling. My body and mind still scream out “I’m pregnant” yet I’m not.
I’m hoping that getting back on my yoga path will help me with this mind/body transformation that I need so badly. I know this is a long road, that healing takes time. It’s also important for me to start my own practice again before I bring it to the kids. Getting back to work for me is all part of this process. As hard as it will be for me to be with the kids again, I also know they will be instrumental in bringing some light back into my life. I will get through this though, one OM at a time.