By nature, I am an extremely curious person. I love to ask questions, I love to know your story, I love looking at pictures and getting a glimpse into people’s lives. I think that’s why I took to face.book so quickly a few years ago when I joined up. At that time, only a few of my friends were on it and it was much quieter. These days, it has taken on a life of it’s own. Everyone is on it and giving the play by play of what used to be the mundane and ordinary parts of our lives.
But at my age, almost everyone I know is married with a family. This year, though, it seemed like there were more babies being born then ever before. Or maybe it’s because everyone is sharing all about it in detail. When I was pregnant, it was fun. I loved sharing my updates, my excitement, connecting with old friends who were also pregnant. But now, wow, being in this situation – it’s like a daily form of torture.
A lot of us here in babylost land have ditched our memberships. It is just too hard to see all those baby & pregnancy pictures. Not me, oh no, I stayed the course. I figured- you all were here when I was pregnant supporting me, you’ll all stay with me when I go through this nightmare as well. And you know what? I was right. I have heard from countless friends these last 9 1/2 months since Silas died. Many sharing their own horrific stories, others just offering up their love and thoughts. It’s been overwhelming. This is the good stuff though. The stuff that keeps me going. The emails, the words of encouragement, the love.
The other side of this is the baby & pregnancy pix. It just tears me up. Little by little I find myself hiding friends from my news feed, because I really don’t want to know what you and your new little baby are up to. But I kind of do. I need to take that peek, to see what I’m missing. I look at the pictures, I read your comments, I torture myself with what I don’t have. Then I cry and feel sorry for myself and punish myself for looking in the first place. It’s an ugly cycle that I can’t get out of. Luckily all I have to do is click hide and *poof* you’re out of my life for now.
2 great friends of ours just had their babies this past week. I want to know everything and nothing at the same time. I am torn. I want to make sure everything went okay because I love them, but then I cry because I know that I can’t get past my own unhappiness to be happy for them. I want to so badly. I want to go hold their babies and give them every ounce of love I can find in me. But I can’t. So, because of that, my curious nature gets the best of me, and I have to look first before I hide.
Why must I torture myself? I am not able to shut it all away. We work at the farmer’s market every week, where new parents parade their new babies around like show dogs. I put on my blinders and pretend they aren’t even there. I guess it’s easy enough to pretend when there is no connection in the first place. With friends though, it’s harder.
I still cry when I see my good friend’s 4 month old. I still can’t allow her to exist in my brain, even though I know she does. It’s just too hard and they understand.
Some days I feel okay. I wake up and think about how okay I am, and wonder how that is even possible. Then a week of new babies being born takes me down that ugly spiral where I feel like I can’t and don’t want to crawl back up.
To all of this, I know there are no answers. Maybe it’s because I’ve stopped asking questions.
Elm City Dad 
27 comments
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July 12, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Sally
Oh Lani, yes. I was that same person. The people-person who loved to ask questions. The “compulsive communicator” as my journalism teachers told me. I was Facebook obsessed and loved baby photos and loved sharing every detail of my pregnancy with my 200+ friends. Then she died, and I got the hell outta there. I tried to go back in Jan, and like you I couldn’t look away, all these new babies and pregnancies were like train wrecks. But it all got too much, so I got off. And for now, I’m staying off.
So many babies have been born in our lives in the last 11 months, and I have only met/held one (and that was brief and messy) whereas once upon a time, I was usually first to arrive at the hospital bearing cute gifts and flowers. I hate that I lost that part of myself.
Love you heaps Lani, and with you all the way here. We lost so much more than our babies.
xo
July 12, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Jennie
As always, I appreciate the honesty in your words. I know this past week has been especially difficult for you, Lani. I continue to love and support you through it all, since its all I know and can do for you now. I hope that seeing Wilco tomorrow brings you some joy and peace! ((HUGS))
July 12, 2009 at 11:13 pm
mom
sweetheart….it is a sad thing that has happened in our lives but i am learning every day that we cant let any source of joy slip through our fingers….we just never know what tomorrow is going to bring,
maybe the reason you keep checking up on these new lives is because you are a loving and caring person and in your heart of hearts you are so happy for your friends. it is your head that is not allowing you to embrace their happiness. this of course is understandable and i am sure that they all accept it and go on loving you,
there will be a time when we wont be hiding from a babys smile ….or from the pictures and stories that enevitably come with parenthood…and grandparenthood. there will be a time when we will be happy to share in other peoples good fortune. for now ….however you feel is the way you need to feel. however you act is the way you need to act. you have the right to feel and act in a way that works for you…… guilt free. and when the tears flow use them as a way of cleansing your pain ….
you are a wonderful friend and daughter ….wife and sister…and we all know that you care……so do your best to feel good about yourself …dont beat yourself up for not jumping into other peoples babylives….let each day bring you something to smile about and most important ….throw guilt to the wind…. i love you,
July 12, 2009 at 11:32 pm
kalakly
You are human, it is okay to hurt when you see something that reminds you of that which you have lost. Even though I have my own rainbow baby now, I still turn a little, ok, alot, green when I see others who have come by it so easily and without having to know the grief and the sorrow. I hate myself a little bit for it each time but I also tell myself I know I wouldn’t wish my pain on them so it’s ok for me to envy them the life they don’t know they are living. The pain free life that is.
Go easy on yourself Lani, you have a good and gentle heart, that is why it aches so for Silas and all that he means to you.
xxoo
July 13, 2009 at 6:24 am
afteriris
Lani, I would torture myself endlessly with other people’s babies. One of my neighbours had a baby on the same day we had Iris and it’s like living across the road from a ghost. Even now we’ve had Moe, I still feel a tiny bit of bitterness when I hear about the uncomplicated happiness of other families.
xxxx
July 13, 2009 at 6:53 am
Angie
I’ve hidden a lot of people on Facebook too. I actually have a list called the A-team, and it is the people who get it, and I can expect a sort of baseline compassion from…still, I think what your mom said is so true. The reason you check is because you are a loving, giving soul who is compassionate. Those ugly thoughts hurt, but it is clear from your post that you feel them, acknowledge them, but don’t let them define you. In this new life, that is a beautiful accomplishment.
With much love.
July 13, 2009 at 8:42 am
Tracy
Sending you and Chris all my love. To say this must have been a tough week is a huge understatement. I hope you can continue to climb back up and know that we are all there to lend a hand on that journey.
Love you Lani…
July 13, 2009 at 10:12 am
Monique
Lani, sending you lots of love & kisses. I’m the same way – I’m not on FB (and wasn’t before) but I troll through on my husband’s and go check the pictures of people who had babies around the same time. It’s getting easier but I still have meltdowns and fits of “why me’s” mixed with happiness that they don’t know the pain we do. It’s messed up.
July 13, 2009 at 12:42 pm
kim gk
I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it is to wrestle with so many conflicting emotions at the mere thought of a friend’s baby. I think of you and Chris and the obstacles you face on a daily basis. The continued strength, courage and honesty that you both exhibit does not cease to amaze me. I am here reading and sending my love, always.
July 13, 2009 at 1:01 pm
aliza
oh lani,
i’m one of those who got off facebook as soon as lev died. but before i was like you too, looking at all the new babies, posting my preggie pix and waiting until i got to show off my new baby.
now i steer clear of all new babies and there are so many of them around me. i don’t want to know about any of them really, and then i also do a bit.
this line you wrote really struck me ‘I still can’t allow her to exist in my brain, even though I know she does.’ i feel this with all the new babies around me too.
and yet you did stay on facebook and you do care, it’s just so painful and then the spiraling downward and the why me/why us…i go there too. i think that it’s ok to protect ourselves right now and just do what we need to to take care of ourselves.
sending you lots of love lani.
xo
July 13, 2009 at 6:53 pm
Cara
Lani – I have to say that it is a darn good thing fb didn’t exist when Emma died. I think the torture I would have forced myself to live might have put me over the edge forever.
Everything and Nothing. That is just about right.
xoxo
July 13, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Molly
I’m so with you on all of this, Lani. I just wrote on a similar topic tonight, actually. I wish I had some good advice for both of us, but since i don’t, please know I’m thinking of you.
July 13, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Paige
Oh Lani, I feel so similarly. I torture myself, looking at people’s photos. It’s bizarre to me that so many of my ‘friends’ don’t know what happened, sometimes I want to send the ones who’ve just had babies a message, but can’t bring myself to do so. I haven’t updated my status since Cayden died, and don’t think I ever will. It seems too much of a before thing.
You are a caring, loving, amazing friend. I’m missing Silas with you and sending love.
July 14, 2009 at 8:23 am
Julia
Lani,
This week must have been really tough for you. I hope you enjoyed Wilco last night. All I know is when Chris and you walk into a room the positive energy and joy you bring to all people surrounding you is glowing and powerful. I feel fortunate to have you both in my life. Hopefully the four of us will be able to get together soon.
xoxoxoxox
Julia
July 14, 2009 at 8:49 am
littlebluebirdsfly
I so understand. I, myself, have never had a face.book account and consider it a good thing. . . but I will ask B to log me on to his from time to time – just to torture myself. ((Hugs))
July 14, 2009 at 6:43 pm
ilostaworld
I’ve hidden several friends, too (I’ve ignored requests for quizzes on my parenting style from “friends” who don’t know me all that well and I keep clicking the thumbs down button on all the baby-related ads that pop up on my page). Sometimes I also sneak back in and look at the photographs anyway, and then I cry and get mad at myself for doing it.
Sending love.
July 14, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Shuman
Hi Lani,
I have been thinking about you guys a lot lately and I can’ imagine how hard it must be as the new babies are born and our group of friends/family continues to expand. I am sending you both lots of love and support!
Shuman
July 15, 2009 at 8:11 am
Kristina
Hi Lani.
It won’t always be torture for you to deal with your loved ones offspring. And one day you’ll wake up feeling ok and you’ll understand and be at peace with feeling that way. For now, you can only do what you can handle and we are all here to support you along the way, regardless of what you are ready to face and when you’re ready to face it. Love you. ((HUGS))
July 15, 2009 at 5:19 pm
monica lemoine
So hard, how baby death affects our views of…well…everything. Including others’ happy news. Daily form of torture…yes. Hang in there. Hugs.
July 16, 2009 at 10:21 am
Sheila
your title reminded me of a verse in one of my favorite ani difranco songs:
the one person who really knows me best
says i’m like a cat
yeah the kind of cat that you just can’t pick up
and throw into your lap
no, the kind that doesn’t mind being held
only when it’s her idea
yeah, the kind that feels what she decides to feel
when she is good and ready to feel it
sounds excruciating the torture of wanting to know everything and nothing. I like the reference to cats though because they are complex in their personalities, and they are known for their resilience and survival skills. they can afford to be curious because they are strong and clever and find ways to come back the trouble that curiosity may bring, they have nine lives after all. we all support you and know that it is a daily struggle to be both full of love and grief. I guess, like Ani says, you just gotta keep feeling what you decide to feel when you’re good ready to feel it.
sending you love,
sheila
July 16, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Heather
It must be a huge internal conflict wanting and not wanting to know. I’m sure that you still want to know and see because you’re still the same great, loving, curious Lani that WE love so much (and I hope that you do to!).
These moments will be tough, but they’ll come a time when you’re ready to see and experience them all again. Don’t be afraid to take a break from them if they become too much. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care. We understand, and they’ll still be waiting for you with ALL the details you’d ever want to know…when you’re ready.
Take your time, and take care of you. Love you, love you, love you.
July 17, 2009 at 6:26 am
Childwoman
I’ve lost too. But not a baby,but the love of my life. Dont how different is that… What ever you’ve said in this post is so true. When ever I see couples or see my friends or cousins or any one in the family getting married or engaged it just tears my heart apart. I love them, but it just hurts too much at times. Seeing thier pictures hearing them talk about the happiness pushes me down deeper in the abyss.
And I was the kind of person who was always there for the functions and parties, now I run miles from it. The laughter, unspoken words between them, the holding hands..it just drives me nuts.
I agree with Sally, we need to get off the train and stay off for a while. It might help a bit…All I want to say, that i understand what you and chris are going through. A loss is a loss. I really hope all of us will find our peace. And some day the hurts will be less. I really hope.
My love to you.
July 20, 2009 at 12:02 am
robin
Hey Lani,
As always, thank you som much for sharing this with us. I’ve been thinking about you guys lately, and I know that it must feel so conflicting. It’s not easy, but I hope you stay positive and don’t sucked into the swirl.
I wish I could give you a hug right now.
With love,
Robin
July 23, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Mariah
Lani, I think of you and Chris often and send love from SF during these hard times. Thank you for being so honest and sharing your story with us, time and time again. You are an amazing woman! XO
July 26, 2009 at 10:56 pm
monica
Great post. I’ve thought the same things time and time again. Really loving the honesty in this blog; you mirror a reality felt by so many others, including myself.
July 28, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Ya Chun
Hi Lani- I saw you comment on Angie’s blog and found yours. I am so sorry that Silas is not here, and not being broadcast on FB.
I keep the ‘preggo and baby feeds’, but don’t comment. But I do have a sigh of relief everytime one arrives safely.
July 28, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Andrea Stanley
Hi Lani,
You continue to amaze me with all of your compassion and caring for others. I have just checked back in with your blog since I have had very spotty internet since moving but also putting some space between Silas’ birth and my impending birth. It is an honest statement to say that you need space from pregnant women and newborn babies and I love both of you for acknowledging that and allowing yourself that reprise. You are only human and can only bear so much pain.
That being said, I do miss you and your awesome curiosity. I know that it is still there but your energy needs to be on yourself right now and your healing.
I love you and continue to be amazed by the beautiful person you are.
Love, Andrea