Last summer I planted my first garden in my backyard. Some veggies fared well: broccoli, tomatoes, collards, string beans, basil. The rest either started and ended quickly (cucumbers), or didn’t grow at all (lettuce, mesculan greens, chard), or were stumpy little orange nubbins (carrots). This year is different. My upstairs neighbors and I decided to do this together. They moved in mid summer so my pathetic first garden was already almost over. This year we are a team.
Mid April we started the the digging, the tilling the plotting and the buying. By the end of April, we had our garden. We all began planting furiously. Seedlings and seeds, marking off spots, planting as much as we could fit. Name a veggie, we planted it. On the other side of the yard, I threw a bunch of seeds someone sent me for a butterfly garden. I want this to be Silas’ special spot so we are going to scatter some of his ashes in there, too.
Every day, my neighbor Michael and I meet in the yard and admire our work. We talk about the new little sprouts, and discuss various recent additions. It’s the highlight of my day. I love going outside my back door, to my own huge backyard, to see what I have growing.
This is because last summer, along with my garden, I also had a baby boy growing within me. When I think about last spring/summer, I think about being pregnant, my garden and laying on the couch watching the Mets (and we all know how that ended). The warm weather keeps reminding me of what I don’t have this spring. I don’t have Silas and I don’t have new life inside me.
What has now happened, is that I can’t stop buying tomato plants and herbs. I am obsessed. I have 8 tomato plants right now, and I’m sure that will not be the end of it. I stand outside my door every day looking for that growth. That new life that I don’t have in my arms, that I don’t have inside me. I need it.
I have nothing to nurture except my plants and my cats (& my husband?) Instead of Silas, it’s Bandha who wakes us at 5:30am (he wants to go outside) and it’s Chumby that sleeps in between us (purring louder than a garbage truck) in one of our arms every single morning.
I’m sure everyone in my life is so over me talking about the cats at this point. The thing is, you all just might have to humor me and pretend to be interested when I tell you how big my tomatoes have gotten. Don’t worry, they don’t spit up.
Elm City Dad 
17 comments
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May 22, 2009 at 8:16 am
keira
Here’s the thing, Lani: I REALLY want to hear about your garden. And your cats. And Silas.
Love to you and Chris.
May 22, 2009 at 8:23 am
Kristina
Your garden looked fantastic when I saw it last weekend! I can’t wait to see it in all it’s glory this summer! I like how you have Silas’ memorial stone in his butterfly garden. I hope you see lots of pretty butterflies this summer. I still laugh when I think about chumby darting in and out and around all the people in your backyard last weekend….he had no idea what was going on.
Love you lady! And, like Keira, I look forward to hearing all about anything you want to tell us about. =)
May 22, 2009 at 8:33 am
Mrs.spit
Sigh.
First off, I don’t have 8 tomato plants, I have 32. And I only have space for 15 in my garden, which means I have to send off an email shortly, adverstising “free to good homes” tomatoes.
There is comfort in gardening, an enormous amount. And there is delight in hearing another gardener describe the size of her tomatoes. Keep talking. . . Post pictures.
May 22, 2009 at 9:01 am
m
Yes, I know what you are saying. We don’t have a yard, so my balcony will have to do. But the kale and the spinach and the herbs that we have are amazing. No substitute, but there is solace.
Love the photos, please do tell us more as the growing season unfolds.
May 22, 2009 at 9:33 am
Tracy
Nurture your garden, your cats, Chris and yourself—and tell us all about it.
all my love…
May 22, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Erica
Your garden makes me happy, Lani. Must be the farm girl in me, but I can’t shake the conviction that getting your hands in the dirt is good for the soul, and if it brings you pleasure or solace, or even just a delicious bunch of home-grown tomatoes, that’s a good thing. I hope it grows and grows, and if you want to tell tomato stories, or cat stories, or Silas stories, I will listen.
May 22, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Poppy
I was already into gardening, pre-IF, pre-loss… But, my garden became an unbelievable comfort once I was dealing with those things. To actively nurture and cultivate growing changing things is so healing. I hope your tomatoes, etc grow tall and bountiful!
May 22, 2009 at 2:05 pm
mamaliza
beautiful garden lani. i wish that you had silas growing next to you as well. and a new life growing soon inside too. in the meantime you are nurturing some beautiful veggies and finding some peace and meaning in the earth. wish it were different for us.
May 22, 2009 at 2:50 pm
sweetsalty kate
Oh sweet lani. You and Chris are so unspeakably lovely, I want to hear from you of whatever’s in your life and making an impression. This might be Silas, or it might be a tomato, or something that purrs. All of it is longing and comfort, in its own way, and important.
May 22, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Sally
Lani, I am SO going to email you some photos of my tomato plants from last summer Down Under. You’re not alone in this need to grow things.
And ps: my dog is sleeping on my feet right now. He doesn’t pur, but it sure is cute.
May 22, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Cara
I want to hear about whatever you nurture…especially yourself as you prepare your body for Silas’ brother or sister. Rooting you on through this hellish journey, and your cats, and your tomatoes, herb, and other various growing things!
May 22, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Mike L
oh man…there’s nothing like chomping a pea right off the vine. i love growing fruits and veggies, but then when everythings done…i feel like a fraud buying tomatoes and stuff at the market again.
happy gardening!!
May 22, 2009 at 11:07 pm
mom
i have come back to this after starting a different reply….only three loving people had sent you their heartfelt feelings. now there are many more and it just demonstrates to me how you and chris have touched so many lives with your writings…..and with your friendship.
growing things in a garden i want you to know, dates back in our family to your grandfather who was born on a farm and lived for the summer when he could hand pick strawberries and tomatoes that he would enjoy with his meal. he would love to know that his beautiful granddaughter was finding solace in the land ……
as i look outside my window and see the abounding flowers that we have planted around our deck and i think of the past when we too had tomatoes by the bushelfull….i think of the loss of our beautiful baby and how painful that loss still remains. i can only hope that the rebirth of our land can bring about a rebirth for you and chris in the days and months to come.
know that i am proud of who you are and embrace your tomatoes …your cats and all you cherish.,
May 23, 2009 at 9:01 am
CM
You are a great mom.
May 23, 2009 at 9:01 am
CM
Oh, I meant that for Lani, but mom is a great mom too.
June 1, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Auntie Lis
I meant to tell you how gorgeous the garden looked when we visited earlier this month. It’s clear how much love, work and sweat you’ve put into it. Looking forward to learning from you.
June 5, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Dalene
I don’t mind hearing about your cats, Lani. My little guy has provided me so much love and affection over the past year. Having something small and furry to cuddle in my arms has helped immensely. Funny, Chris and I have always enjoyed puttering around the yard together. We’ve been more perennial gardeners and landscape planners until this year, when we planted our first veggie garden. I love tending the little raised bed that he built and got a thrill out of using a few tender basil leaves in last night’s dinner. It’s nice to have something to nurture.