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The day after he died I thought Lu was next and me right behind her. On days two through five I was certain of it. At the time I talked a lot about how we couldn’t let this loss destroy us and poison us and tear us apart but they were words mostly, words I spit out into the World hoping I could make them true. I had no confidence at all but no one knew.
I just posted “The Only Way” over at Glow in the Woods. Head on over and have a read, if you like.
They squeeze me. Thousands of them. Millions. Billions. Tiny, invisible, impossible little clamps on every molecule of my body compress my form making me dense and heavy.
The twists are powered by hopes halfway and memories the other. The leverage of those screws cannot be denied. They press me into myself and I fall into bed leaden.
Every day I make an effort to have a nice time out there in the World. I’m not aiming for the stars, not trying to seize every single moment with fervor and gusto, I’m just gunning for good. Good is enough if you can do it on a daily basis.
I sleep later now, every day. I need an hour or so of semi-wakefulness to gear up and get ready for the chill and sunlight and this relentless, active life. I guess I still can’t believe, every morning, that this is the Universe I live in.
I am an Incognito Disaster.
You can’t see the mayhem only millimeters out, but it’s there, inside.
You can’t see my toes curl as I cringe when I re-live the day Silas was born.
Cars swerve around my thoughts as I drive.
Babies are appearing everywhere, and the afternoon light is such that I expect for us to be expecting, too. The late-setting sun blasts through the windshield as I turn off the exit to my house. The angle of those rays are filled with meaning.
My post for May is up over at Glow in the Woods. If you have a few moments, please check it out.
On Saturday we are having the memorial for Silas at the park around the corner. Family and friends are coming in for the day, and we are planting a tree in his memory.
Part 1 of this post is how it all looks and feels going into this terrible day. Part 2 will be how I feel after we have completed this necessary but nearly impossible task.
My post for April was just published over at Glow in the Woods. Thanks for reading.