The wind and rain whipped me into a tailspin.  I thought I was ready for Monday after a relaxing weekend but by noon I was already soaked 3x, stranded at home and once again frustrated by the unyielding bullshit of banks, the entropy of automotive parts and the relentlessness of life.

It never stops.  Just when it feels like we might be getting our heads above water there’s something else clutching at my cuffs, pulling me below.

I’ve learned to hold my breath indefinitely.

Pulled down, down, down, down, down, and I hold it in me.  I hold a bit of light, a snatch of hope, a whisper of love, all of them deep in the depths of my lungs and I let the oxidized, leaden bullshit wrapped around my ankle pull me right to the bottom.

This is where most people freak out.  This is where most start to smash things and scream and shout and rage.

That’s how I used to be.  I’ve changed though.  Getting all worked up like that is too scary, now.  What was before just a pissed off tantrum at life’s crap has become a dangerous step into total breakdown, into unending tears, into that utter and complete despair I feel all too close in my past.

So I don’t freak out.  I stay calm.  I hold my breath and tighten my soul and I let the weight pull me straight to the bottom.  Down there I have a beer and look around.  I know this place.  I’ve been here before many times.  Always managed to pop back up to the surface eventually so now I just know to wait it out and stay calm.

The pressure is nothing.  The breathlessness is unremarkable.  The dim vision and chill is warm compared to the darkness and cold I’ve felt.  Just bullshit, this.  Just normal everyday life.  Cars need to be fixed.  Bank reps need to be dealt with.  Nothing here today is life and death.  None of this is anywhere near as bad as losing Silas.  But Bandha’s passing has put me on edge and the depths feel closer than they have in a while.  It is easy to flounder while missing our little kitty suddenly and our son for so long.

I see that the knot in the rope holding me under looks like the word Silas.  The swishes and loops and straight line, I know them inside and out so I know what I have to do.  I find that final loose end.  I find it and whisper his name and with a light tug the knot falls apart and I am free.

Slowly, I rise to the surface waiting patiently to breathe again.

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