I’m worn out.  Weary.  The hoops have won.  There are simply too many of them to jump through just to get back to normal.

Away in New Hampshire was the perfect place to hide.  I felt like if I stayed in bed, everything would stop.  Or the other way around, if I never went to sleep, I’d never have to wake up and face another day.

As always, the leaving was the worst.  I woke up at 5am on Sunday morning already rolling through my brain the tangy, bitter bubbles of worries and concern.  My stomach was frothing.  I made deep breathes unclench my hands, and then I fell back to sleep, for a little while.  But soon it was time for goodbyes and a drive.

Every mile brought decisions and responsibilities closer.  All of the uncertainty on the horizon made me apprehensive.

Instead of being able to just get up and get shit done, I now have to do a hundred extra things simply to return to a moderate baseline of normality.  The anniversary of Silas’ death became the foundation and backdrop to both of Lu’s recent car accidents and although we are grateful that she is fine in both instances, at the same time, we’ve had enough.

Unfortunately, the Universe is bigger than me, so my enough is not a fraction of what the Universe can put forth.  Why it has Its Malevolent Eye on me, I do not know but nonetheless, now and then, I still do manage to have fun.  For example, today, I was a guest on a show on NPR and truly it was a dream come true.

I have been listening to NPR for 10 years.  I cut my Public Radio teeth on WGBH in Boston and the Car Talk guys have kept me smiling on many a brutal weekend mornings this past year.  I would give up TV for the rest of my life provided I could keep NPR and the NYTimes.  The Internet is non-negotiable, though.

So then today on one hand a dream came true, and on the other, at the garage where my totaled Matrix is stored they had already stuffed it far away in the back even though I called to say I was on my way to empty it completely.

I want the tires, too.  I just bought those fucking things along with a clutch 2 months ago and the transmission last year.  Maybe it is best to be done with that machine and start over with a fresh Matrix I can drive into the ground on the roads of CT, delivering coffee.

So many hoops, though, just to get back to normal.  Finding the car, financing, insurance, title, registration, emissions DMV, DMV… D…M…V.  So many actions and requirements that must be executed before I can get back to anything at all like that regular-ole-shit-ass life I’ve come to know and love(?).

The Universe doesn’t stop, though.  And it’s bigger than me.

Right now, to be honest, I think It is being a bit of bully.

But whatever, I can take it.  I’ve got fresh beer from friends from around the World, and love from so many people.  Today I got to be on NP-fucking-R and I got to sound as though I know a few things about coffee.  And for today that wins out over the crumpled frame of my totaled car.

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