I’ve been finding myself caught in the middle of 2 different worlds. The one that is the blogging babylost community and my other life. The life that allows me to fakely go forward and pretend like nothing ever happened. Where someone asks me how I’m doing and I say good. The one that allows me to socialize with friends, teach yoga to kids, manage a business, go food shopping, and just live my life.
Then I sit at my computer, and get lost in the blogs, and realize how sad my world really is. How devastating my life is and how fake most of my daily life is. I find emotions that I didn’t know were there. I make realizations I hadn’t yet come to on my own. I commiserate, I identify and I cry. I love my babylost mama friends. I take those much needed breaks from them, but then I devour their words all at once. The breaks are healthy, but something is missing from my life when I’m not immersed in them. They are the ones who understand wholeheartedly and completely. But it is a dark dark place when I go there, and I can’t always go there.
Really the only time I can be in a happy medium place is home with Chris, when we’re chillin’ on the couch with our kitties, watching t.v., eating dinner, just being real with each other. Don’t get me wrong, I do have friends and family members who allow me to be real, to express how I’m really feeling at any given moment, who let me talk and cry and just listen wholeheartedly. But that too is also emotionally draining. I don’t want to be the person that no one wants to be around because I’m always sad, or who wants to talk about Silas or getting pregnant or how unhappy I really am. That scares me. So most of the time I have to be ok.
I feel emotionally drained, almost all the time. From having to put on a happy face. From having to cry and be devastated. From having to figure out how to be in this medium middle world more often. When I can be real, happy one moment, sad the next or even just complacent and there is no one to judge. Chris doesn’t judge of course, he’s right there with me.
We spent last week doing something we love the most. The thing that brought us together in the first place. Our favorite band, Phish, got back together and played a string of shows on the East Coast. We got to hang with all of our friends who came in from all over. We drank, danced, laughed, cried and sold lots of coffee. It was a phenomenal week. There wasn’t much down time in between, and we spent a few days working, in between shows. We thought selling Bean & Leaf at the shows would be perfect, that way we can make some money, introduce B&L to a wider audience, and not have to socialize too much. That part gets tough. It worked out pretty great most of the time, we were super busy, people loved the coffee, and I was able to look out and see all of our friends around us.
I had many emotional breakdowns through the course of the week. It was fine. But again, I don’t want to be that person no one wants around because they’re not sure how i’ll be. I make people uncomfortable, I know that. I bumped into an old friend who I hadn’t seen in years. He’s a friend of mine on facebook, but we really haven’t spoken at all. He said to me “didn’t you have a baby or something?” uh oh, was all I could think. I took a deep breath and tried to tell him. He did the old looking down at his feet, backing away move, all the while saying “I’m sorry I asked, It’s ok, you don’t have to tell me.” But of course I did. If I had a healthy happy baby, I would tell you all about it. But since it was tragic, he didn’t want to hear it. This, my friends, is where it gets complicated.
This medium middle world place, I can say whatever I want, anytime. I can laugh hysterically watching The Office, then minutes later mention how much I want Silas and hate our life and just be insanely and utterly sad.
I don’t blame anyone for any of this. This is all me, trying to work it all out, to figure out how to be in these changed, devastating new worlds I find myself in.
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June 10, 2009 at 5:53 pm
WriterGirl
It’s not at all that he didn’t want to hear it. He was worried he had made you sad or uncomfortable. Think back to a time before you knew this kind of pain, if you had inadvertently asked someone a question that was trickier than they realized. They are afraid of hurting you. It is normal to want to be with people who already understand every bit of it, so you don’t have to talk about it again, but don’t misunderstand the reaction of saying “you don’t have to tell me.” He didn’t want you to have to relive the pain.
I know what you mean about the two worlds. Since I had my late-term miscarriage (and I am 38 too, so I am scared I may not conceive again, even though I certainly should be able to…) everything I loved before seems so fake. Why watch a stupid movie? Why care about my work? None of it means what love would mean, holding a baby in my arms.
And then there is trying again. What if it happens again? And what if it gets harder because of my age?
What helps sometimes is reading stories of success. The stories of failure are comforting, to know others understand, but it almost feels worse when people have prior children and I have none yet.
Someone suggested fertility workups today. I never had to do that before, and it seems like such a hassle, such a whole new world of truths I never had to worry about. Have you done any of that stuff? You conceived pretty easily so it seems that once your body is ready, it should happen again. It is so frustrating to be our age and hear that because we didn’t get knocked up before we got married, we may have ‘waited too long.’
I want a child so badly. The thought of never having one is too much to bear. If we have to adopt someday, we will, but I’d rather have one that comes from each of us. And adoption is hard, too.
I think that you will be a mom and I will, too, but this grieving is very hard, and so is keeping optimistic when we now know so many new realities. We are young, compared to some who are trying, but why did this have to happen? It’s just very hard. Stories of people getting through this at an older age and conceiving again always help somewhat.
June 10, 2009 at 5:57 pm
elmcitymom
you are right about him not wanting to make me feel uncomfortable, but the whole thing is just one big clusterfuck. i was totally normal about it, so matter of fact and actually said, no, I do want to tell you.
i’d love to reply to you personally writergirl, can you email me? lani.rosen at gmail.com
June 10, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Sally
Lani I am so right there with you. I feel like I live in two worlds, too. And I am starting to notice my friends do, too. They have a particular mood for me, then one for everyone else. I get the feeling people breathe a big sigh of relief when they leave here, or finish hanging out with me. They don’t have to watch what they say as much anymore. I know I make people uncomfortable, too. I know it.
I just took a four day blog holiday and it was a good thing. I didn’t miss the blogs or my computer at all. But now that I’m home again, I am glued to them. They are both a curse and a blessing, but I know ultimately I could not get through this without you all.
Love you heaps Lani. And wishing so, so hard for you guys xo
June 10, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Karen
I will always always always want to be around you, even when you are sad, scared or want to talk about Silas. That I promise..xoxo
June 10, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Paige
I was just today telling friends how obnoxious it seems to me that people want to hear about the baby when it’s healthy and alive, but since we were robbed of that, it’s okay to ignore it and not acknowledge the baby’s existence at all. That is such a hard thing for me to grasp. I feel these two worlds too, Lani. Sending much love. xo
June 10, 2009 at 7:35 pm
mamaliza
lani,
i can so relate as well. i feel like many people are scared to be around me. i can feel it when i bump into someone or even the few people i visit with- and one friend even just came out and said it. instead of putting on the fake i’m good, mostly i just see people that i can be real with, but actually being with anyone takes some social effort. sometimes i even feel like i’m a bad omen. mostly we just spend time the two of us and that’s best for me.
i think it’s important that we tell people the truth and it sucks that they have to get so weird and uncomfortable, cuz like you said if we had our beautiful babies in our arms, everyone would be there, all happy, bearing gifts, coo cooing. but no one wants to hear this awful truth of ours.
i’m here with you in this messed up babylost grief.
and sending you love
June 10, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Bluebird
Exactly 100% right there with you. The non-babylost world wears me out. It’s exhausting to be “on” all the time. And I love, can’t imagine where I’d be without, my babylost friends. . . but sometimes it’s nice to almost escape to that other world, you know? To get together and laugh and talk (and drink!) and just . . . whatever the word is. But it’s exhausting, too, because it’s not your – our – complete reality. It sucks to have two worlds, and no middle ground. Thank goodness for our hubbies, pets, and midless t.v., huh?
And hope you enjoyed your Phish shows regardless 🙂
June 10, 2009 at 9:22 pm
mom
my darling daughter……your life is the life you are living. there are people out there who have had terrible losses and those who have had amazing joy …it is what life brings to all of us and we have to learn to live within the parameters of what we are given,
i know how hard it is to wake up each day and face people who cannot understand ……they give out hugs …they turn away…they offer platitudes. we can never walk in anyone elses shoes until those shoes become our own. i understand that your babylost community is the one place where you dont have to explain yourself, but know this….the people who know you love you and they will always be there to hear the good the bad and the ugly, someday i am hoping that we will be able to see a more joyous sunrise …that we will be able to share the joy of life and not have to only suffer the pain of loss, until that day you do what is right for you, all i can ask of you is to try to find something good in every day you embrace, it would be what silas would want from the mother who loves him with all her heart, and it is what the mother who loves you with all her heart wants for you as well.
June 10, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Mariah
Thank you for your honesty Lani. I’m here for you always. Sending love and white light from CA. XOXO
June 10, 2009 at 10:45 pm
sweetsalty kate
Just here to say I’m here. And yeah, that’s just exactly what it’s like. Sparkling leprosy all flashing like vegas showlights.
xo
June 11, 2009 at 12:09 am
Christa
We are here, loving you, just as you are.
June 11, 2009 at 5:30 am
Ezra's Mommy
“I feel emotionally drained, almost all the time.”
Sums up so much Lani. I put a lot of energy these days into being “fine” in the outside world – highly functional, energetic, smiling, all the while knowing how fake it all is. So few people can be present in our pain. So glad to hear your voice here again Lani, I’ve missed you. xoxo
June 11, 2009 at 6:45 am
tash
Lani, this is so hard, tiptoeing this line between fine and shit, and wondering why you’re feeling either. Feeling like you’re holding back an enormous part of your life so you don’t make others miserable is extremely exhausting. Reading blogs of other babyloss parents is ALSO exhausting. You need to find your own system, and it sounds like you’re working it out. Sometimes we need a break from one world or the other — a lot of naivite, or a lot of grief — and we just need to sit on the couch with a beer and our spouse. It’s all good. Know we’re all here if and when you need us. I think the worst thing is just feeling alone in your misery.
June 11, 2009 at 9:11 am
m
“I don’t want to be the person that no one wants to be around because I’m always sad, or who wants to talk about Silas or getting pregnant or how unhappy I really am. That scares me. So most of the time I have to be ok.”
Yes, yes, yes.
But sometimes I wonder if I am using my immersion into the babyloss blogs as a crutch? a substitute for counseling? a justification for NOT trying to be ok all the time? Is reading and commiserating extending my grief, or helping me work through it? So, like you, I stay away for a few days but then find myself spending hours trying to take in those things that I need.
At the end of the day, I am constantly amazed by the women and men I have found here. Their (your) strength, and the beauty and truth that comes through the writing.
In my moment recent fit of self-pity, I told my husband that I was TIRED of being told I was strong, courageous, inspirational…..I just wanted to be a mom. A plain old average normal mom.
June 11, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Marybeth
Thinking about you as you navigate through these two worlds… I can only imagine how hard it is. I’m so glad that I got to see you for a little bit last week, even though it was only just for a few hours. And glad that you were able to have a good time overall at the shows. Sending love, support and a big HUG your way!
June 12, 2009 at 6:04 am
Molly
Thank you for writing this, Lani. I too have been feeling like I’m caught between pretending to be okay in the day to day world and getting in deep with my feelings in the babylost world. I don’t know how to bridge the gap very well. I’m so frustrated that everyone seems to expect me to be okay at work, with my friends etc. but then I also am avoiding my own feelings too. It’s confusing and isolating.
Hang in there.
June 12, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Erica
Oh Lani, I’m glad you find some peace and ease in that middle space. As for the rest of it, it’s very hard to find the right kind of balance. I like to think that if I get it right, grief will just be a part of the weave of the rest of my life instead of the snarled knot that keeps yanking me on my butt. I’m not there yet, but I’m hopeful.
June 12, 2009 at 9:20 pm
loribeth
Once again, you’ve written such a beautiful post that expresses so well how so many of us feel. As my loss was some years ago, I don’t feel that constant sense of exhaustion (as much, anyway…!) … but my life continues to be conducted in compartments — the babyloss/infertile me, the me that goes out into the world every day, & the me that comes home every night with dh (which is probably the closest to the true, full me). So many people who have met me in the years since our daughter’s stillbirth have no clue about our story. It’s not a comfortable subject to bring up at the best of times, and many of them are young & just starting their own families, & I hate to scare the cr@p out of them. 😦
June 13, 2009 at 10:00 am
CLC
I feel like I could have written this myself, although you are much more eloquent! It is so exhausting. Sometimes I wonder if I am just back into the denial phase. Because when I really think about what happened, I can barely breathe so I just put on the fake face 99% of the time.
June 14, 2009 at 6:02 pm
kalakly
You are so right, the straddling of the two worlds that never seem to merge is exhausting. It’s hard to tuck so much of yourself away to keep others from feeling bad and it’s hard to not resent having to do so. I think what Tash said is right, you have to find the comfort spot for you because staying in db land can also be a real drain. It’s hard to have to be reminded over and over again how hard this journey is but at the same time it’s hard to not acknowledge how hard this journey is all the time.
Another part of the ‘gift that keeps on giving”….
xxoo
June 14, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Bon
i’m glad you two have each other there in the middle space. and Phish. Phish is good.
the rest is exactly like you say, so i’m just sending you love.
June 26, 2009 at 9:32 pm
Dalene
I’m late, but wanted to let you know that I’m here and listening and nodding my head. Much love to you, Lani.