I’ve been finding myself caught in the middle of 2 different worlds. The one that is the blogging babylost community and my other life. The life that allows me to fakely go forward and pretend like nothing ever happened. Where someone asks me how I’m doing and I say good. The one that allows me to socialize with friends, teach yoga to kids, manage a business, go food shopping, and just live my life.
Then I sit at my computer, and get lost in the blogs, and realize how sad my world really is. How devastating my life is and how fake most of my daily life is. I find emotions that I didn’t know were there. I make realizations I hadn’t yet come to on my own. I commiserate, I identify and I cry. I love my babylost mama friends. I take those much needed breaks from them, but then I devour their words all at once. The breaks are healthy, but something is missing from my life when I’m not immersed in them. They are the ones who understand wholeheartedly and completely. But it is a dark dark place when I go there, and I can’t always go there.
Really the only time I can be in a happy medium place is home with Chris, when we’re chillin’ on the couch with our kitties, watching t.v., eating dinner, just being real with each other. Don’t get me wrong, I do have friends and family members who allow me to be real, to express how I’m really feeling at any given moment, who let me talk and cry and just listen wholeheartedly. But that too is also emotionally draining. I don’t want to be the person that no one wants to be around because I’m always sad, or who wants to talk about Silas or getting pregnant or how unhappy I really am. That scares me. So most of the time I have to be ok.
I feel emotionally drained, almost all the time. From having to put on a happy face. From having to cry and be devastated. From having to figure out how to be in this medium middle world more often. When I can be real, happy one moment, sad the next or even just complacent and there is no one to judge. Chris doesn’t judge of course, he’s right there with me.
We spent last week doing something we love the most. The thing that brought us together in the first place. Our favorite band, Phish, got back together and played a string of shows on the East Coast. We got to hang with all of our friends who came in from all over. We drank, danced, laughed, cried and sold lots of coffee. It was a phenomenal week. There wasn’t much down time in between, and we spent a few days working, in between shows. We thought selling Bean & Leaf at the shows would be perfect, that way we can make some money, introduce B&L to a wider audience, and not have to socialize too much. That part gets tough. It worked out pretty great most of the time, we were super busy, people loved the coffee, and I was able to look out and see all of our friends around us.
I had many emotional breakdowns through the course of the week. It was fine. But again, I don’t want to be that person no one wants around because they’re not sure how i’ll be. I make people uncomfortable, I know that. I bumped into an old friend who I hadn’t seen in years. He’s a friend of mine on facebook, but we really haven’t spoken at all. He said to me “didn’t you have a baby or something?” uh oh, was all I could think. I took a deep breath and tried to tell him. He did the old looking down at his feet, backing away move, all the while saying “I’m sorry I asked, It’s ok, you don’t have to tell me.” But of course I did. If I had a healthy happy baby, I would tell you all about it. But since it was tragic, he didn’t want to hear it. This, my friends, is where it gets complicated.
This medium middle world place, I can say whatever I want, anytime. I can laugh hysterically watching The Office, then minutes later mention how much I want Silas and hate our life and just be insanely and utterly sad.
I don’t blame anyone for any of this. This is all me, trying to work it all out, to figure out how to be in these changed, devastating new worlds I find myself in.