The tears began yesterday in anticipation of the day to come. Usually I love my birthday. I have always made it a point to plan something fun- whether it’s dinner with friends, a party, camping, whatever, I love celebrating it. I think that it’s important to honor the one day of the year that is just about you. I also was never too concerned with getting older. As much as I don’t look or feel the 38 years I turned today, the fertility world has a very different viewpoint. I don’t care how many women over 40 are having babies, I guess I never thought that would be me. This really should have been the best birthday ever with my sweet little Silas.

Last year, obviously, I was pregnant. We had plans to go to a Mets game with about 25 friends. To me, this sounded like the best idea ever- I was soooo excited. We all now know what happens when you have expectations. Well, it turned out to be the rainiest day of the year and the game was canceled. I spent most of the day crying! The one thing I said to Chris was “at least I’m pregnant.” Enough said.

Luckily I have the best husband in the world. He knew how much I have been dreading this day. In the midst of my first birthday breakdown yesterday, he handed me something wrapped up. We are not gift givers, we would rather spend our money doing something, like dinner, concerts, etc. Spending money we don’t have on gifts we don’t need, isn’t necessary.  But in this case it was just what I needed. He actually found the absolute perfect gift for me.  It was a bag made from recycled yoga mats. I mean, seriously! I cried even harder.

My 38th birthday is now coming to an end. In between tears, it was okay I guess. It probably will go down as the worst birthday so far, but I did have the most gorgeous sunny day ever and got to spend it with my amazing husband. I worked a bit (which was probably not the best idea), we took a ride to the beach, ate some seafood on the water with Chris’ brother and his girlfriend, and now we’re home getting ready to hit the couch.

I did feel the love coming at me from all over. With facebook, g-talk, emails, texts, phonecalls, cards- you name it, each message reminded me of the wonderful support system I have in my life. But even still,  I am ready for this day to end as I anticipate the next few hurdles in the coming weeks. Somehow I’ll get through it, tears and all.