1 | Give us a few words you would have used to describe your body, your health or your sense of physical vitality before the experience of babyloss—and a few that you’d use to describe it now.

Before I was pregnant I felt strong, healthy, flexible. While I was pregnant, I was in awe of what my body could do, but felt so inhibited in movement. I couldn’t bend or sit or walk the same and it was uncomfortable for me. I loved being pregnant though and loved that my body was able to grow a baby – you have no clue whether its possible until it happens and I was ecstatic! Now, after losing Silas, I feel flabby, tired, overweight, uncomfortable in my skin. I am working on it, but still see my body as what caused this loss. It’s been burdened.

2 | What do you do to take care of yourself? Has this changed?

Right after Silas died, I began my own home yoga practice, about 10-20 min a day. I saw that while it was calming me emotionally, it wasn’t getting rid of the baby weight. I started doing workouts on exercise tv on on demand. That made me feel a little better, but I still saw no progress. Now I have been going to a personal trainer for the last 2 months and I’m feeling stronger and stronger every day. I don’t see that much changing in terms of weight loss, but I am feeling like I am taking control of my body in a way I never have before.  I also get acupuncture, take a weekly yoga class, get energy healing and started seeing a naturapath. I’m on it. Oh, and my wine and dark chocolate almost every evening while relaxing on the couch watching tv. That is what  I really need.

3 | Give us one or two words to describe sex or physical intimacy before, and then after the loss of your baby.

before: loving, sweet, with intention, fun

after:  hopeful, loving, emotional. I feel like we have gotten closer then ever because of this. We share this intense pain that I think comes through sometimes when we have sex.

4 | Has loss and/or grief left a physical mark on you (a scar, a chronic condition, insomnia, a tattoo)?

I have my tattoo of the tree and the orion constellation and it makes me feel like Silas is with me always. My extra 20 lbs is there too. The feeling of running out of time since I’ll be 38 soon is also weighing on me.

5 | Do you medicate or control your emotions with food, wine, altered states, prescriptions? Without judgement, what have you gravitated towards in an effort to heal, and how do you feel about it?

A glass of wine or a beer, but in moderation since we are still trying to get pregnant. Seriously, my few pieces of dark chocolate every night is what I look forward to the most.  I’m not one for medicating, I think it makes it worse and sadder for me. I’d rather feel it all naturally.

6 | Was physical healing important for you in the first year after your loss? What did/does physical healing entail and how did/do you work towards it? If physicality hasn’t been a priority for you, what do you do that makes you feel stronger or more able to cope?

Well, we are still in this first year and the physical healing is so important for me. This body and what it looks and feels like are reminders of what I don’t have. I feel like I need to develop that physical strength in order to regain some of that emotional strength. I love throwing the weight ball around – it definitely helps to get rid of some of the anger and sadness I carry with me.  But I am working on both, so hopefully together they will help make me whole again. I also can’t forget music, food, writing, teaching the kids yoga, friends, family, my endless trips to TJ Maxx, Chris, all of that has played a huge part in helping me to heal.

7 | If you could change anything about your body and/or health, what would it be? What would it feel like to be either at peace with your body, or at peace with this babylost state?

I would be pregnant again right now. I would have my old belly back. I don’t think I’ll ever be at peace with my body, I never have been. I feel like when I am finally pregnant again, I will not focus so much on what my body can’t do anymore, but more on what it’s doing.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be at peace with this babylost state.  I wish I could say that I see that for my future, but I don’t think I do.