We were psyched up about the Tweedy show last week, and when he actually dedicated those songs to our son we were blown away.  Both the beauty of the music and the power of hearing our son’s name in such a public setting sent us both soaring.

Yesterday I clattered to the ground disoriented and upset.

I miss him I miss him I miss him so much was all I could think yesterday.  I was barely holding back tears as I went about my business.  But there’s a rule: No Crying At Work, so I just put my head down and got to it all.  And I was busy.  The business grows weekly and it’s hard to digest each new account and plan for their new needs and schedules.  The thing of it is, our goal at work is to become overwhelmed.  When I finally physically cannot do everything that needs to get done, it’s time to hire someone else.

However, feeling overwhelmed is not fun, and my ability to withstand pressure and chaos is not what it used to be.  My tactic is the same as always, though.  One step at a time.  Do what must be done first and next and worry about the rest of it in its own time.

The high of gorgeous live music dissipated yesterday.  I felt guilty and icky about feeling happy over the previous few days.  It was as though I had betrayed Silas, as if I was somehow wearing his death as a badge.  How dare I feel good when all I really want is him, with me, now. Yesterday I spent a day living in all the future moments I won’t have Silas and it was overwhelmingly terrible.

Today I’m a bit more balanced.  Today I’m walled up and fortified.  Which was a good thing because today Lu called me sobbing on the phone.  Her crash was the same as mine.  The ache of missing him.  That reverberating twang of loss that nearly snaps the strings of our souls.  The guilt of feeling happy for a little while.  But today I was able to be calm and helpful, to soothe her wounds just as she did for me, yesterday.