Yesterday I reached a milestone in this grieving process, one that I was anxious about all month. We went to see our friends who were in town visiting from SF. They had their first baby about 6 weeks after Silas was born and we were going to meet him. I had 7 friends who had babies in the fall. I have yet to meet any of them- I’ve been putting it off with the ones who live in the area. Everyone understands, no one has pressured me one bit. I just need to feel ready. The problem is that when I think of meeting the baby, I start to cry. Just the mere thought of it crushes me.
We have had this plan to see our friends for a few weeks now. I have been worried and anxious about it, but it was something I wanted to do. At one point in the day, before we left, Chris told me he didn’t think we should go. He didn’t want to see me sad and depressed (I guess more than usual) all weekend because of it. But I decided that it felt ok, and I wanted to do it.
Our friends knew exactly how we were feeling, they were ok with however it went down. I told them I was going to cry, and to be prepared. But I didn’t. I didn’t cry at all. It felt nice to hold him, though I couldn’t do it for very long. I was very quick to hand him over. He had 4 grandparents and an uncle all cooing over him. And yet I was fine. He wasn’t Silas, he had nothing to do with Silas, he was their baby. For some reason, there was no connection and I guess that was why I didn’t cry and I was able to do it. We spent many hours there, catching up with our good friends who we hadn’t seen in so long. We shared all our tough moments, we laughed, and we cried together. I left there feeling really good, not terribly sad. I was just happy for my friends.
We have been going away a lot on the weekends, but this weekend we were home. Chris had plans with some friends, so I was home alone. I had decided I was going to volunteer for Cityseed, this amazing organization that does the farmer’s markets here in New Haven as well as many other programs. They were doing a really fun event at one of the museums in town. After about 20 min, I realized, I can’t do this. I can’t be around all these families. It was killing me. Here I thought I was so strong for being able to hold my friend’s new baby, and yet, being around all these families I don’t know brought that anxiety back. I walked home completely deflated.
Since that was a bust, I decided it was the perfect time to do a little spring cleaning. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while now. I had the music blasting, the doors and windows open, and just scrubbed. It felt like I was getting rid of all these layers of sadness. I had one of those days where I didn’t really talk to anyone except the cats. I was in my own little world, trying to get rid of the shit, the layers of shit that have covered this apt.
This grief is a roller coaster ride. I’ve never felt such an enormous range of emotions in a matter of hours in my life. Every moment I feel like “hey, I can do this,” another one takes its place that just knocks me to the ground and then won’t let me up. Then luckily Chris comes home and makes me laugh and I think to myself “ok, I can handle this.”
We’ve been having a rough few weeks, there has been a lot of other stuff on top of missing Silas so much, that sometimes I feel like I’m just buried in it. Obsessive cleaning and organizing seems to help a bit. Exercising and blog reading & writing also helps. And then I just go lay on the couch with my kitties, my dark chocolate and my crappy tv shows and get through another night.