I love watching the snow fall outside. It is so beautiful and really changes everything about the landscape and what we must do to survive in this new white world. It is no longer easy to just step outside and take a walk to the corner store. We need to bundle up, walk gently down the stairs so as not to slip, and trudge through the snow. But then, the cars- ugh, the shoveling out to then get plowed back in. The parking is messed up for weeks until it melts and then starts all over again with the next storm.
We had a fun snow-filled weekend up in New Hampshire which consisted of hours of playing rockband, some wine tasting, pizza making, hiking, and some sledding. Being with our siblings is always fun. We also found out about our friend’s baby being born, which kinda threw us into a tailspin. How can it not? It’s not the baby’s fault, I am thrilled everyone is happy and healthy. Yet it is another reminder of what we don’t but should have. Another month not pregnant, yes, that on top of a new baby, on top of a beautiful snow day can throw any of us in this babylost world into despair. Snow days like today are for hanging with the whole family, inside, with movies, couch time, snuggling and comfort.
I have lost that feeling of comfort. I know how to fake it, how to get as much as I can in these circumstances. Snuggling up on the couch with my dark chocolate and crappy tv makes me feel like everything is temporarily ok. Fortunately we have kitties who love to snuggle, and lucky for them, are reaping the rewards of our longing. I used to love days like today, where we couldn’t go anywhere, we are forced to be inside and cozy. But now, I picture moms and dads with new babies all snuggled up in bed or on the couch and I lose it. I just lose it.
That is the image I pictured for myself throughout my pregnancy. That moment where I got to snuggle with my new baby. Where I had no other responsibilities but to nourish my little one. Yet here I am, sitting at my computer, Chumby sitting across my arms like she always does when I’m here, catching up on emails, blogs and work. I am making myself so ridiculously busy, that I won’t have time to miss the downtime or what I would really have been doing had everything gone according to plan.
Yet on snow days like today, it is a harsh slap in the face to the reality of our situation. Of what we don’t have. Of the longing we have for the family we are not.