Feels like I didn’t even sleep last night, but I did, straight through and riddled with dreams.  It went from night to day but I barely even touched the sheets.  It wasn’t cause I was up with a kid or anything.  I was busy last night in my dreams.  There were so many things to do.  I almost feel closer to Silas when asleep than awake.  I guess I just believe my dreams are probably the best shot I’ve got at somehow encountering his presence.

I yearn for that, especially on a day like this.

Silas would have been 5 months old today.  And I don’t even have any fucking clue what to do with that.  Do parents have little month parties?  I feel like we would.  Or maybe we’d talk about it but then decide to save it for his 6 month bday.  But all day we’d both be secretly celebrating with him in our own little ways.

The Path of What Should Have Been is still there, daily, but I make a conscious choice not to tread upon it.  On days like this, though, I find myself wandering the woods around that path inadvertently, almost obsessively.  But I cannot stroll too long because the scenery is catastrophic.

Lu off to class.  Me taking Silas to deliver coffee and check out some shops.  The MMW kid’s album I’d play for him as we drove.  Seeing grandmom in our travels this afternoon.  Tonight we’d meet up with Mom and maybe make a first attempt at a restaurant meal.  Not because it’s his 5 monther, no, not that.  Just because maybe we could and that would be awesome.

Ahem.  Yeah.  Cannot go there all the time.  It is unspeakably painful.  So then, on this World I must focus.  The problem is, it also feels mentally unhealthy to keep not-thinking-about something.  But what I am doing is the opposite of denial.  I’m trying to accept the World as it is and yet, on a day like this, that feels totally and completely wrong.

So here’s what I’m going to do.  I’m going to deliver that coffee, I’m going to play music of an utterly different variety (dark, edgy & loud), I’m going to check out some coffeehops, I’m going to stop by and see my Mom, I’m going to stop at a local pub and have a beer and read the paper.  Later on, Lu and I will meet up with friends and we’ll have a delicious dinner in a nice restaurant with loud jazz and then when we get home tonight we’ll light a candle for Silas and then I’ll tear the house down with my bare hands.  Ahem!  No, not that.  We will cry and then we will sleep and then I will dream and then maybe somewhere in those depths I will find my missing son.