There is this particular kind of rain that happens in Panama called the Bajareque. It comes at you sideways, the sun still shining up in the sky. They say you never get wet because as it hits you, the wind dries you off. We did get wet, but yeah, it was super windy too. The weather was definitely not on our side this week. We went to Panama to relax and to have the sun beating down on us, healing from the inside out. There was this expectation that oh yeah, of course that would happen. Who would have thought they would have stormy weather the exact week we were there. Of course everyone kept saying how unusual this was this time of year.
We arrive in Boquete, up in the mountains where all the coffee farms were, and it was unreal. Billboards and power lines were down all over, no cell phone service, the rivers were flooding, it was chaos. Kind of like my life right now. I wanted peace, calm, sun.
“Ok” I thought, “I can handle this, we are in Panama, its still kinda warm, we aren’t home, we are on vacation, just relax.”
But it wasn’t as warm as I’d hoped and I didn’t have enough warm clothes, I was wet and cold. I just felt tired of being ok with things not working out the way I’d hoped. But, Boquete ended up being fun, we got to do what we wanted to regardless of the weather. The sun came and went and we got to see ridiculous rainbows. With Bajareque, because the sun is still shining overhead there are rainbows. The rainbows blew me away. I don’t think I have ever seen anything so vibrant and so beautiful.
I had a really challenging time leaving my shit at home while I was on this vacation. So badly I wanted to feel peace, and feel happy- I mean, look where I was? But yet, I seemed to be sadder then ever. I guess because this was our consolation prize. We didn’t get the baby so here we are, on this wonderful vacation. Like Chris said in the last post, you have nothing to be jealous about so please, keep that word away from me. You don’t want my life, trust me. I’ve always believed that anyone can do anything they set their mind to- that’s how we live. We have always lived the life we’ve wanted to, even with no money. We do what we want and we work hard. So if you really want to go on a nice vacation, then do it. Just don’t tell me you are jealous of mine.
Getting from Panama City to the deserted Kuna island – Isla Pelikano, took many hours and lots of patience. We were up before the sun, heading out to a teeny plane that would take us to Carti. From there we had an hour boat ride to the island, but this was if the weather was in our favor. Of course, it wasn’t, the sea was choppy and rough and the boat ride was long and painful. Every time the waves crashed over me, I let out another sob, for Silas, for me, for the sun that refused to shine. The expectation that we would have beautiful weather and that this trip would be easy, fun, relaxing, was just not happening.
Those damn expectations. I expected to have an almost 5 month old right now. I expected to be happy. I expected that my life would have continued to go the way I had imagined it would go. But it hasn’t, it isn’t and it’s not. I continue to have these endless expectations of friends to follow through, or the weight to have come off already or to be pregnant by now. I am starting to feel like it’s better to just have none. None at all, and then be pleasantly surprised when things are good. Luckily for me, I have a husband who knows how to talk to me, to make me smile, to make me laugh and to calm me down when I fall into my spiral of doom.
We had a wonderful 3 days on the island, with each day getting sunnier then the last. I was able to soak in the hot sun, some instant Vitamin D that my body craved so badly. I spent a lot of time on this trip crying and being sad. I can’t leave my shit, it’s baggage that I take with me everywhere. Maybe someday I will leave it, and feel lighter and free, but right now, its not possible. The Bajareque continues to pound me, no matter where I am, I can’t escape it. I do know that with it comes the rainbows, and the sun, and for that, I am thankful.
11 comments
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February 15, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Sally
we leave for our consolation prize holiday to hawaii in just a few hours, because we don’t have our six month old. the j word is banned around these parts too, and i’m suprised just how many people i’ve had to pull up on that. frustrating…. i too have expectations of at least some sunshine, even though i can get plenty here where i am right now. i’ll just try and take it as it comes. i have packed the spirits of all our lost babies though, and they are all coming with me. they do anywhere i go. i’ll miss reading here for two weeks. take care you two xo
February 15, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Ezra's Mommy
I’m struggling with the expectations too…same as you. Never has a plan I made fallen so flat on its face. I find it hard not to create these attachments, and yet being continually disappointed, I am trying to let go…
February 15, 2009 at 6:05 pm
MJ
I think that you have the right to grieve and heal in your own way and at your own pace. There are no easy fixes for such a profound loss.
I am sorry that people are trying to “expedite” your mourning. I think that you are working through this dreadful journey with remarkable strength and grace. I am thinking of you and praying for you.
February 15, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Gal
Welcome back, Lani. The rainbows are amazing – so sharp. Getting out of town after Tikva died was the hardest week of my life. I haven’t figured out how to leave my grief behind either. I don’t think it works that way, unfortunately…
February 15, 2009 at 9:40 pm
monica lemoine
Very inspiring, and nice to hear about your travels. My husband and I “honeymooned” in Panama 7 years ago – and hit Boquete and Kuna Island like you. After Zach was stillborn, we ditched the country for Ecuador. A very cleansing trip, cathartic and wonderful. I think everyone should do something like that, just to come out of our own element and gain some perspective.
February 15, 2009 at 10:36 pm
Kristina
The rainbows were amazing. I can’t help but think they are one of many ways Silas communicates with you.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings.
((HUGS))
February 16, 2009 at 12:28 am
mom
oh sweetheart…..there is no quick fix for what has happened to you ….to chris….to us…..there will always be disappointments but they wont always be quite as devastating as the loss of your beautiful baby….
the strength that you possess has allowed you to get up each morning and live your life….you amaze me with your ability to forge onward.
i too feel that those gorgeous…outrageous rainbows were sent to you by silas…..to let you know that he is loving you and will forever be a presence in your life.
as you move through your days know that there will be happy times…if you dont expect them then maybe they will be that much sweeter when they come…….daddy and i are here to help you on your journey. we love you so much.
February 16, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Dalene
Your grief is always with you, just as your love for Silas is always with you. You can’t outrun it–and no one should expect you to.
February 16, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Cara
Expectations are root of all our issues – shit, as it were. No wonder there is a masterpiece of a book about them!
February 23, 2009 at 12:47 pm
mamaliza
it’s so hard when our expectations are not met and after the biggest and most important one taken away every little one adds to the fire. my grief has followed me into the desert and to the most beautiful beaches. somehow i guess we have to live with holding it all- the good, the bad, the sun, the rain, the loss, the grief and the rainbows- and letting our tears flow into the sea.
March 3, 2009 at 4:22 pm
laura
Lani, this post is so thoughtful and beautiful. I’m a little behind on the blog, having been away, so am just reading this now. I agree with what Kristina wrote, that perhaps those gorgeous, perfectly arcing rainbows you experienced between all the windy wetness in Panama were little gifts, little smiles from your son…telling you that your grief won’t always be so raw and overwhelming. Silas was most definitely present in Nicaragua w/his aunt and uncle last week; wait till we tell you the story. We’ll call you tonight. Miss you both!