There is this particular kind of rain that happens in Panama called the Bajareque.  It comes at you sideways, the sun still shining up in the sky. They say you never get wet because as it hits you, the wind dries you off. We did get wet, but yeah, it was super windy too. The weather was definitely not on our side this week.  We went to Panama to relax and to have the sun beating down on us, healing from the inside out. There was this expectation that oh yeah, of course that would happen. Who would have thought they would have stormy weather the exact week we were there. Of course everyone kept saying how unusual this was this time of year.

We arrive in Boquete, up in the mountains where all the coffee farms were, and it was unreal. Billboards and power lines were down all over,  no cell phone service, the rivers were flooding, it was chaos. Kind of like my life right now. I wanted peace, calm, sun.

“Ok” I thought, “I can handle this, we are in Panama, its still kinda warm, we aren’t home, we are on vacation, just relax.”

But it wasn’t as warm as I’d hoped and I didn’t have enough warm clothes, I was wet and cold. I just felt tired of being ok with things not working out the way I’d hoped. But, Boquete ended up being fun, we got to do what we wanted to regardless of the weather. The sun came and went and we got to see ridiculous rainbows. With Bajareque, because the sun is still shining overhead there are rainbows. The rainbows blew me away. I don’t think I have ever seen anything so vibrant and so beautiful.

I had a really challenging time leaving my shit at home while I was on this vacation. So badly I wanted to feel peace, and feel happy- I mean, look where I was? But yet, I seemed to be sadder then ever. I guess because this was our consolation prize. We didn’t get the baby so here we are, on this wonderful vacation. Like Chris said in the last post, you have nothing to be jealous about so please, keep that word away from me. You don’t want my life, trust me. I’ve always believed that anyone can do anything they set their mind to- that’s how we live. We have always lived the life we’ve wanted to, even with no money. We do what we want and we work hard.  So if you really want to go on a nice vacation, then do it. Just don’t tell me you are jealous of mine.

Getting from Panama City to the deserted Kuna island – Isla Pelikano, took many hours and lots of patience. We were up before the sun, heading out to a teeny plane that would take us to Carti. From there we had an hour boat ride to the island, but this was if the weather was in our favor. Of course, it wasn’t, the sea was choppy and rough and the boat ride was long and painful. Every time the waves crashed over me, I let out another sob, for Silas, for me, for the sun that refused to shine. The expectation that we would have beautiful weather and that this trip would be easy, fun, relaxing, was just not happening.

Those damn expectations. I expected to have an almost 5 month old right now. I expected to be happy. I expected that my life would have continued to go the way I had imagined it would go. But it hasn’t, it isn’t and it’s not. I continue to have these endless expectations of friends to follow through, or the weight to have come off already or to be pregnant by now. I am starting to feel like it’s better to just have none. None at all, and then be pleasantly surprised when things are good. Luckily for me, I have a husband who knows how to talk to me, to make me smile, to make me laugh and to calm me down when I fall into my spiral of doom.

We had a wonderful 3 days on the island, with each day getting sunnier then the last. I was able to soak in the hot sun, some instant Vitamin D that my body craved so badly. I spent a lot of time on this trip crying and being sad. I can’t leave my shit, it’s baggage that I take with me everywhere. Maybe someday I will leave it, and feel lighter and free, but right now, its not possible. The Bajareque continues to pound me, no matter where I am, I can’t escape it. I do know that with it comes the rainbows, and the sun, and for that, I am thankful.

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