So I got to fly this weekend. A lot. And it felt great. It’s so freeing and exhilarating and allows you to really be present and alive. I went to NYC to take a Circus Yoga teacher training- I’ve been wanting to do this for years and the timing was never right. The timing was so right this time, it was almost perfect. It’s one of those things though, that if Silas were here, I wouldn’t have been able to take it. It was 21 hours in 3 days. It was exhausting, but my body and mind needed it. I got to play with 12 other adults by releasing our inner children. I moo and meow for a living so it seems like it’s not a stretch for me. But it was. Some of it was hard, because there were moments when I wanted to just say “I can’t do this right now, I can’t play, I feel awful.” I pushed through those feelings and gave myself over to it. There were moments that I left the room, that I took myself out mentally. But this was a great distraction and very, very healing.

Erin and Kevin have been doing this for a long time. The combination of circus and yoga is so natural, I feel so blessed to have found them! They have this amazing way of just being so free and silly that I wish I could let myself go and be that. I tried it on a few times and it felt great. We played games that really just allowed you to let go and have fun. I laughed so much, I cried a little, I bonded and I learned. I love my field of work. I love playing and teaching and being with children. Obviously it’s harder then ever for me, because I was robbed of motherhood. But kids are so innocent and sweet and they are a blank slate for us to write upon. I love teaching kids about their bodies, peace, om, namaste, relaxation and thinking about what makes you happy. I love bringing out the creativity and imagination in them as well as myself.  I took this course to freshen up my teaching a bit. To gain some new ideas and tools because as a teacher, it is just important to do that so as not to get stale. I gained so much more.

This course was about risk, connection, expansion & vulnerability. I will take each of these principles into my heart and I will use what I learned in my teaching and in my life. It was also about healthy touch. Oh, touch is so important, you have no idea. I am constantly craving a hand on my back, a foot rub, a hug. We played games and learned ways of fostering healthy and safe and healing touch. It’s so important for everyone, but for kids, they need it to grow and be healthy, loving adults.

This weekend, I allowed others to lift me up on their legs and fly me, even if it was their first time and they were scared. I really wasn’t scared. I trusted and let go. I’ve been doing AcroYoga for years so I was ready. I haven’t done it since before my pregnancy so I was excited. I lifted others up, others who were much bigger then me and felt confident in my ability to help them soar. I also tapped into the deepest regions of my being to just be silly. It is hard to let go. It is so much easier to be reserved and together and self-conscious. I think that’s what most people are like because its the norm. But to get rid of inhibitions and make silly sounds and faces, or to walk on a pipe, or hold people up on your legs or your back, or roll around the room because it seems like a fun thing to do, is just necessary. It is healing and cathartic and exciting.

I met friends for the first time who I have had email and business relationships with for awhile. I loved that! It was so great to finally make the face to face connection. In this type of program, you get close, really fast. I told everyone where I was emotionally, and what happened to me. I couldn’t allow that to be my secret. I am an open and honest person, I share pretty easily so I needed to do it. I was thanked over and over for sharing and for allowing everyone to be a part of my tragedy. Someone thanked me for allowing others to be in their own grief, while hearing about mine. Others shared their recent losses with me as well, of moms & dads & pets. I’ve found that in sharing your grief and pain, it really helps others to deal with their own. I find that as soon as I open up to someone about what I’m going through, they feel like it is important to share in their own losses and pain. Which to me has to be a good thing- right? We need to be able to share with each other, and be real.

I didn’t get enough sleep this weekend.  I also have a very full schedule ahead of me. I am scared. Scared of these distractions taking over what was once my very quiet life. I am working but I have had a lot of free time. This week I start new classes, workshops and trainings. I am finally jumping full force back in to my life.

I am sad, I am heartbroken, I have horrible anniversaries ahead of me that I will have to deal with. I am lucky though, I am finding this inner strength to put myself out there and be with people and share my tragedy and in turn, it is helping me to let go and fly.

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