So today is the year anniversary of Silas. So much has happened in a year, its almost unbelievable. I was just lying in bed, trying to sleep and so many thoughts were zooming through my brain. I had to get up and write. I had no trouble falling asleep earlier on the couch while watching Planet Earth (which, btw, is amazing on our new tv). But once I moved to the bed, sleep just became an impossibility until I got these thoughts out. Something else was strange too, usually by this point in the evening of us getting into bed, at least 2 of the 3 cats are in bed with us. None of them were there. The bed felt empty, even though it was filled with Chris and me, something was definitely missing.
There are so many things about this situation I’ve been struggling with. Usually I like to write something cohesive following in the style of Chris because this is (or was!) his blog, but I think I need to just ramble a bit on this one.
So last night we had our upstairs neighbors over with some of their friends to play Rockband. We didn’t talk about what happened, it just wasn’t appropriate. These were new friends and it just didn’t seem necessary. I’m sure our neighbors (who unfortunately will have the sounds of my labor ingrained into their brains for life) told them about us, how could they not? Regardless, a pleasant evening was had by all and none of it had anything to do with Silas.
I think about how one of the bloggers I’ve been reading lately mentioned how we should be able to wear a shirt at all times that states “my baby died 10 hours after he was born” or something like that to let everyone in the world know the awful pain we are going through on a daily basis. I find it so strange to talk to people who don’t know me or what happened and to just allow that to just be. I was pregnant and delivered a baby. But now there is no baby. It’s just a really weird place to be in, especially since all I have left is the baby weight (which I know I keep mentioning but I really can’t help it, it makes me crazy).
Today I went to my yoga center for the free yoga day they were having. I have not been back since taking my last prenatal class all those months ago. I have been wanting to, but something was holding me back. I guess I was just scared to go there and have all those memories come at me full force. I have a few workshops I’m giving there planned for the next few months, so today I was going to teach a few free kids yoga classes. It felt great to be back, it’s such a warm environment and I realized a very necessary place to go to continue in my healing process. A few women were having a conversation about hypnobirthing and I just had to chime in and say how much I loved it and found it helpful during my labor. I’m finding it important to mention bits and pieces of my pregnancy in casual conversations, just to prove it did happen. No one asked me any further questions, but I assumed that they just assumed I had a baby at home. I wasn’t going to tell them any different, they didn’t ask. It was weird. But I guess this is all part of my new normal. I have to talk about my pregnancy and labor, it happened, I delivered a beautiful baby, even though he is not here with us. I can’t deny it happened and I need to make sure to keep talking about it. It feels good. Even when I don’t share the tragic end result.
So anyway, I took this yoga class today at the center. It is called “Yoga for Anxiety and Depression.” It was free and there were a lot of people there. It’s cool to see so many people wanting to use yoga to help deal with their issues. It was amazing and the teacher was amazing and I am so happy I went. I think I even convinced Chris to come with me to a workshop she’s giving in a few weeks. I don’t think I’m even depressed or anxious most of the time, you would think that would be the case, but I’m just not. Though I do have moments of both at times, so learning healthy tools to deal with it when it comes up is so necessary. I think my background in yoga has been a major part of my ability to be able to deal with the many layers of grief. The more I can learn, the better for me in the long run.
Another situation we’re trying to deal with is with those friends who kinda dropped the ball. They either never contacted us or did at the very beginning and we haven’t heard from them since. Where does that leave us? When we see them, which may happen as we become more social, do we tell them how much they hurt us? Do we not say anything and just let it be what it is? We’re not sure. In my opinion, 3 1/2 months out, you should have contacted us at this point. If you live within a few hours, you should have stopped over for a visit. And if you did once or twice in the beginning, a little email right about now to check up on us, wish us a happy new year, blah blah blah, would be nice. But I know from reading all the blogs lately, this is an issue. It’s something that happens after a tragedy like this and it’s human nature. People are strange, they don’t know how to deal with death and especially the death of a baby. I’ve made it a point to thank everyone in my life who has continued to bother me with love because it is helping us. In case you out there who don’t know this- comments on our blog, emails, phone calls, texts, letters, visits, they help us to heal. It won’t bring Silas back, but it makes each day a little easier or brings a smile to my face when maybe I was feeling really really sad. I know we’re scary to be around. I know its a tough thing for anyone to deal with, but I’m telling you point blank, it’s something that will help all of us, every single one of us.
I’ve been obsessively reading blogs these days, blogs from all of you who comment on ours, and blogs I discover through the countless blogrolls on the blogs I read. I’ve come to realize that I need this community now in my life in order to get through this. I also need my friends and family of course, you guys are the best, but you don’t really get it. And I don’t want you to ever get it, I would never wish this pain on any of you. Your support counts in other ways. I also need the support from others who get it, who have been there and who are going through the exact same emotions as me now. I read some of those blogs and I could have easily have written those posts. I know how much the comments mean to me, so I am commenting, every day, I am obsessively reading and commenting. Because I know how it feels and I know its important for our community to have this support. We are a lucky bunch of unlucky people. We have this whole crazy blogland of babylost parents out there. It’s simply unreal. This post from Cara of Building Heavenly Bridges really captures how I’m feeling right now. I love it, it’s a beautiful piece.
I haven’t taken very good care of myself lately, the month of Dec was brutal between the laziness, the eating and the drinking. I am now making it a point to get myself ready for this new life that will eventually grow inside me again. I need to be ready in body and mind and I’m ready to prepare myself for that again. What is so hard, and what we keep talking about is that we are back to square one. It’s so frustrating. We are where were were exactly a year ago. It’s such a helpless feeling. It’s so difficult to even comprehend. I do know that we got pregnant once, so it will happen again. But this in between place we’re in makes us feel so lost. Somehow, together, we will navigate through this mess. But today, I am going to honor my little baby, think about him and cherish the little miracle that he was.