Chris and I had our first kiss 6 years ago this week.  We are going to Panama for a week in Feb on the 4 yr anniversary of our city hall wedding. Christmas day was exactly 13 weeks since Silas was born and died and it was also a Thursday like that horrible day. This crappy year comes to an end in a few days and I’ve come to the realization that no matter where I am that night, I’ll be sad.  Loads of dates, anniversaries and markers to place on all this going on in our life right now.

Oh yeah, and then there is Jan 5,  the day that we conceived Silas. That day is looming in the corner of my mind, making me crazy. And then, how can I not be calculating constantly when I’m ovulating and of course how that would play out in terms of due dates? Is it better to have a baby before Silas was born? After the anniversary of his birth and death? That last part is not up to me. I know it will happen again when the time is right, just like the first time.

Seriously, Jan 1 last year Chris was like “let’s do this thing, lets get pregnant!” and bam, it happened. Not to say we hadn’t been trying before that, but it was at this point when the timing was right for us, we were settled in our new apt in New Haven and we were ready.

So how about that new 32″ tv we just bought with our Christmas money. Yeah that was a necessary purchase. I guess we needed something to take the place of what was supposed to be a baby this winter. I know we aren’t the only babylost parents out there to buy themselves a brand new tv amongst other fun toys to replace the shittiness that has occurred in our lives right now. I spent the entire day yesterday on the couch just enjoying my new HDTV and I was happy. I was cozy and warm in my apt and had no where to go, no place to be, no one to talk to, nothing to do. I really liked it. When Chumby or Bandha would come and lay on my chest or nuzzle my neck, I pictured it to be Silas. But I wasn’t sad yesterday. I mean, I’m always sad, but I wasn’t like crying my eyes out sad like I was 4 days ago.

The 3 cats we have running around tearing up our apt day after day is definitely providing some much needed entertainment. We are trying to figure out how to not give Einshtein back but I’m sure his mommy would miss him terribly. So for now, we get to parent our cats, cozy up with a new tv and hope for the best with 2009 just around the corner.

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