Woke up to the first snowfall off the season.  It had started the night before and I knew it was going to be out there waiting for me in the morning, but it still stung.  It was a shoulda-been moment that was instead another of life’s little boobytraps.

I got my stuff together and then dashed out to the car.  As soon as the cold, snow-scented air hit my lungs I noticed a couple walking down our block and in my head I suddenly said to myself “Reset! Reset!”

I wanted a button I could push that would wipe this last year away and start it over, back to the first snowfall of last year.  Back before Lu was pregnant.  Back before Silas blazed into our lives and transformed us forever.  Back before this terrible wisdom had entered my soul.  I have no idea who those two people were.  They were just walking down the block, no kid or stroller with them as is so common, and they looked happy.

I want to be like that, I thought.

Obviously I had no knowledge of the true state of their lives but the tableau of ivory snow and moist pavement and a high, cool-blue sky and two people hand in hand just walking down the sidewalk carefree and alone, it struck me.

They looked happy, and they looked innocent.  They were Lu and I pre-pregnancy for a moment.  For me.

Any last vestiges of innocence have been seared from my soul.  I take nothing for granted.  That’s not to say I don’t enjoy myself when I can, but I am also always watching out the corner of my eye to see where the next blindside is coming from.  I am constantly aware that the Universe is a sharp, hard and treacherous environment that we must tread with caution and find comfort where we can.

Perhaps that is why couches are so popular.  That also happens to be where my wife is right now and where I should be, too.  Silas should be there with us, instead of just our cats.  But the button doesn’t seem to work.

The snow is melted now, the moment passed.  The two I saw walked on into whatever future they had down the block.  I drove off to deliver coffee and save the day.  Lu moved through her motions in the practice of her yoga and the exploration of her grief.

I danced as I drove and cried as I danced.  I loved the music I was hearing.  I missed Silas so much.  I felt the road racing beneath my seated form.  I was feeling every aspect of the exact moment that was happening, blasted apart by the fact that Silas would never see or hear or feel any of it and the button still didn’t work.

Reset.  Reset.  RESET!!

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