I know you are all trying to be helpful and thoughtful when you say to me “don’t worry, you’ll have a beautiful family one day.” I know that. I do. I feel it in my heart and feel so lucky to know that I can get pregnant and I can grow a healthy baby. But that’s not the point. I want Silas. I want him now and every morning I wake up and he’s not there. I want him every night that I’m laying on the couch and he should be laying with me. As much as everyone in my life would like to think that I’m doing so well, you know what? I’m still not. I woke up this morning angrier then I’ve been in so long. I want my baby and I can’t have him and its just not fair.
It may seem like I’m doing better because I put a picture on my facebook page where I am actually smiling. I answer emails and phone calls, make you dinner and go have lunch and I act like nothing happened. Inside I am screaming and crying and throwing things around. I keep it together because its just easier that way. It doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable or sad to be around me. I am filled with a rage that I have never known before.
Even when I get pregnant again, even when I have a beautiful new baby to hold and love, I will still not have Silas. That won’t ever go away. I will love my future children more than I can even put into words. I will feel like I am the luckiest mom alive. I know that and I can feel it and see it. It’s just not Silas and that won’t ever change. There is nothing anyone can ever say to me that will make that fact go away or feel even remotely ok. Some days I feel ok. I do. I can be normal. When that happens, everyone around me thinks I’m fine and breathes that sigh of relief. Oh, thank god, she’s ok. But you know what, I’m not. Today I’m not. I’m terrible, I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m just not ok. And thats ok.