I went back to work this week. I was anxious about it all weekend though I didn’t talk about it much. The part that worried me most was being able to keep it together while teaching the kids. With each school that I went into, it was seeing the teachers that ended up being the hardest part. Each teacher or director gave me a huge hug and was really very emotional about it. Chris had to face this right away since he went back to work 3 weeks later. So now, almost 2 months later, it was all coming full force right back to me. Most of the people I see on a daily basis either don’t know me and my situation or have seen me continuously throughout these last 8 weeks. I really have had little contact with people who know what happened but who I have not seen yet.
Some kids asked about the baby, which I knew would happen. Most of the time I was able to blow it off because the moments that they asked it just didn’t seem appropriate to tell what happened. How do you tell a group of little kids that my baby died, especially ones who didn’t know me or even know that I was pregnant? We pretty much left it to each parent to tell their own child. Which then of course makes it that much harder for me since I’m really not sure what they told them. I’ve read that being honest with children is the best way to handle it. But really, is there a best way?
There was one 4yr old group yesterday where I had taught all of them up until I left for my break. It was clear that some knew what happened while others did not. They asked, so I told them straight out, my baby was born and then he died right after he was born. I am very sad about it, but I know being with them will make me feel better. I asked them for hugs and they all gave them to me. Then we immediately started our yoga class. They didn’t need to talk about it anymore. They were ready to move on and do some yoga- the yoga they missed so much while I was gone. It was as easy as that.
With kids, luckily they don’t hold it like we do. It’s too abstract for them, and they don’t see me anyway on a daily basis so they just don’t think about it. They know its sad, but it doesn’t make them sad all the time like it does for us. The day before I saw some of the older kids I taught, and they were truly sad for me. I saw it in their faces and how they looked at me. I don’t know how much of it they are holding onto, these girls were 10 & 11 yrs old, not 3 & 4 like the others, but they get it.
It’s so hard to bring so much sadness to those around you, especially these innocent kids. On the other hand though, it is life and with life, comes death. Sometimes a life is cut way too short, much shorter then we all had expected. I guess we all need to understand that not everyone gets to live to 80 or 90 or 100yrs old. I still haven’t come to terms with the fact that my baby got to have only 10 hours of life. It just doesn’t seem fair. I wish I could move on like the kids do and just go on with my daily life, only getting sad when Silas is mentioned for that moment. But that doesn’t happen. He is always present, he hangs out in the forefront of my brain. He is with me with every single thing I do. Lately I’ve been trying to numb the pain with shopping. A trip to TJ Maxx or Target could do wonders for depression. I’ve been obsessed with finding the perfect bag for work so I go to a different TJ Maxx every day, searching for that perfect bag. I actually buy one, use it a few days with the tag still on it, and then return it and find a new one to try out. While I’m shopping, I’m also thinking about Silas because I see all the other mom’s and their babies out shopping together and I think about how that would have been me. I see mom’s yelling at their little ones who are too noisy or annoying and wish that they could understand how lucky they are to have their child with them, even though they may be a little too loud for their liking. But I keep on, looking for that butter dish, some fancy spices, a new cast iron frying pan. TJ Maxx is the best place for all those weird items you really don’t need but somehow feel compelled to buy.
I am grateful for the work I do, for this business I chose to start over 5 years ago. This yoga I am trying to teach the little ones to use in times of anger, sadness, anxiety, is what is also getting me through my each and every day. I am practicing what I preach. As tough as I thought it would be to be with all of these children, its really not. They bring such a sweetness and an innocence to everything we do. Silas is with me while I wag my dogtail, fly like a butterfly and sing Om Shanti Shanti Peace. I am able to laugh and smile and take pride in what I do, the joy I bring to all of these beautiful kids. I will let them teach me in turn to find my joy again.