I’m really not sure how we are going to get through this, sometimes.  I go through periods where I can almost sorta handle it, and then there are lots more moments when I can see my life unwinding before me absolutely brimming with loss and sadness.  It is terrifying and thoroughly daunting.

I’ve felt at loose ends today, out of sync with the world around me.  It was an autopilot type of day and I’m glad the bed is in my near future.  At least when I’m sleeping I can be elsewhere, not in this body, this mind, this life.  Although I must say, I did really enjoy the hour I spent giving a presentation about coffee to some new customers.  That was actually fun.  The drive home was not.

Things are getting complicated.  The ongoing-ness of missing Silas is confusing.  Life pulls us out and forward and onward and yet we are constantly looking back and sideways, searching for hope and happiness and him.  It is extremely disorienting.  That is also true for the way we are handling grief.  It isn’t just the 5 stages one after the next like it used to be.  Things were simpler back in those days.  Now it’s a complex matrix of conflicting and complementary emotion-states.

I can do anger->acceptance->denial->bargaining and then from the inside out two times in a row in under thirty seven seconds flat.  Or I can dangle myself on the twin hooks of fear and helplessness for a full day.  Lu is sampling from this hideous buffet at her own pace.  What is the opposite of savoring?  That’s what we’re doing as we roil with guilt or shout out impossibilities that we must have, that we need.

I have never before yearned for someone who was utterly unreachable.  I have never smashed my soul against Death’s impenetrable wall until now.  I knew death existed, obviously, but now I am banging my skull against it, always.

It is in me, now.  It is a place I cannot enter, but it is in me somehow.  It is the vacuum where everything I should be learning about my new son should be going but isn’t.  Instead I am learning how to live in the Universe without him.  I keep trying to fill that space with thoughts of him and these words and the love of friends and family but it just doesn’t seem to work sometimes.  It’s still more nothing, more not Silas, more no son, no end in sight.

I caught a chill today and it kept me shivering, even in the sun.  Winter got inside me.  My soul feels cold and brittle but I know the things I need to help me warm and brighten.  Friends.  Family.  Words.  Tears.  Lu’s arms around me.  The cozy sheets.  Dreams with Silas in them where I can tell him how much I love him, and how terribly I miss him every moment of every day.

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