Every time I think I’m starting to get used to this I suddenly realize that my entire body is tense, my mind is whirling in a thousand different directions, adrenaline is pulsing in my blood which is pounding through my heart and arteries and veins and I cannot catch my breath.

But then I’m cool.  Then I’m alright and impenetrable, totally correct by all outward appearances, actions and words, enough so that it doesn’t even feel like I’m faking it.  The laughter we find throughout the day is true.  The beauty around us is unmistakable.  But there is a sharpness, now, to each moment of joy that I have never felt before.

In spite of sadness, we laugh.  In spite of missing Silas so much it physically hurts my arms and chest and face, I manage to conjure a smile, and not a fake one.  In spite of of an aching soul I stand up straight and look people in the eye.

And it is ‘in spite’.  These are acts of defiance, of rebellion.  I refuse to succumb to despair.  I will miss Silas endlessly but I will not be incessantly sad.  I will not deny beauty nor ignore happiness.  Laughter still has a place in my heart and in our home.

For now, that laughter comes with a twist of the knife and a kick in the balls.  It hurts to feel okay because when I suddenly remember how fucked up this situation is–that Silas is gone gone gone forever before we ever got to know him–the lurch into reality is so jarring it makes me physically ill for a moment.

That’s when the adrenaline rushes and my heart speeds and my mind crackles with all the potentials and possibilities that have fallen into this vortex that is our life, now.  But then I’m through it again, out the other side and I laugh at the Universe itself because it has no idea what a fucking loser it is.

I guess my point is this:

Dear Universe,

Fuck YOU!