Its been 3 weeks today, yet it seems like it happened months ago. Time is just dragging along, I almost dread waking up each day. Mornings are still tough, I have pretty much memorized the ceiling in our bedroom. Though getting myself up out of bed has been good for me. It gives me something to do, distractions right now are so important. I’ve found myself cleaning constantly, its something productive and takes my mind off of things. We’ve had a constant flow of people with us – even some from SF to bring us hugs from our amazing group of friends out there.
But today I am here at my apt alone. Chris is working and our friends and family are taking care of themselves today. I chose to be here today alone. I could have gone to my in-laws but I decided that today, on the grayest of days, 3 weeks since Silas was born, I need to mourn by myself. I also decided that I need to laugh as well. I searched you tube for some videos of Sarah Silverman. I know it sounds strange, but I needed to watch something so silly but would also make me laugh out loud and pretend for a few minutes that I was really ok.
I also needed to read some blog posts from other mom’s who’ve lost their babies and give myself a good cry as well. We have seen an outpouring of support on this blog from other people who have suffered the same loss as us. I can’t help but to read their stories and cry with them, for them and for us. The crying for me is just as needed as the laughing.
Reality has set in, and with it comes the anger. I am so angry at life for doing this to me. I can’t help but still ask why, even when I know there is no why. I used to think things happened for a reason, but now, there can’t possibly be any reason why I have to experience such pain and hurt and anger. I used to be one of the happiest people I knew. Optimistic too. So much so, that I always saw the good in every situation, no matter what. It was where Chris and I would clash. He tended to be cautious and always saw situations with the possibility that something could go wrong. I was super carefree and saw situations with it always working out.
I never in a million years even considered the possibility of losing my baby right after he was born. Even when they said he wasn’t breathing, I didn’t panic. I thought to myself “this happens all the time and then the baby starts to breathe.” Even when they rushed him to the hospital, I still kept believing everything would be alright.
Because of this, this whole situation has been like a punch to the stomach. How could this happen to me? Why? Why? Why? There is no why, I know that now. Bad things happen. They just do. All the time, every day to millions of people all over the world. I had been blessed, my life was great, I had everything I could possibly want. Now I’m one of those millions of people who are suffering. Oh, we will move forward, we will have beautiful children one day, but we are new to this kind of pain. This helpless feeling where nothing anyone says or does could make it all better. There are no do-overs or take backs as much as I replay it in my head a zillion times in a zillion different happy endings.
We are so appreciative of the cards, gifts, money, flowers, fruit, food, phone calls, blog comments, emails, visits, everything. We are overwhelmed by it. I knew we had wonderful people in our life already, even people we didn’t know who are reaching out. It’s pretty amazing actually. But I didn’t need a tragedy to be reminded of it. I always saw the good in humanity and loved that I was like that. I’m a changed person, I know that now. I hate the fact that I will carry sadness and bitterness with me forever. I hate the fact that I have to look at life through a new lens. Its so not me though, it feels uncomfortable. I need to unearth some of that optimism that I know is still buried there deep within me and say that one day, maybe, my old self will resurface more often than not and that I will find that happiness again.