I have a stew in my gut tonight.  Not an ache.  Not a pain.  It is just a slow, steady churn of everything that has passed through me in the last two weeks.

I couldn’t catch my breath today but I didn’t linger in the shadows.  I spent all day in the sun, among friends and even managed to forget for a few moments here and there that I am living in hell.  The ‘hellness’ still got to me, though.  There’s no escaping it.  My skin felt brittle and dry all day.  My apprehensive sweat dried quickly in the bright, warm afternoon, and nothing could prevent the vivid images of our son’s brief life from cascading through my brain.

I cringe at the raw terror of those instants every time they appear.  But they are mine, he is mine, Lu is mine, this brutal reality is mine, so I will see it clear and true every time the memory reappears and I will be charred to the core every time.

But my core will not snap or melt or blow away, despite the thermonuclear shockwave generated that terrible afternoon.  Somehow I can still feel a shining bar of light that travels up my spine to my mind.  When all else fails, I can cling to that blazing rod, wrap my shredded soul around it and speak the words or perform the actions that are too dreadful for my mind to even consider.

I would very much like to spend an entire post typing over and over again that this is not fair, but I’m certain that would not do anything useful.  Except of course, it might keep my idle, enraged hands from tearing down this apartment wall by wall in a vain attempt to demolish everything around me because in the end, none of it matters since Silas is not here between us right this fucking second.

Another explosion has detonated in my mind just now.  Please excuse me while I am destroyed again for a few moments. The blast is overwhelming, but I can hold on tight to Lu.

She already knows I will never let her go.

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