People keep telling us that we are being so strong.  It feels good to hear that, but it’s tough to take because really, I’m faking it.  So’s Lu.  Completely and totally faking being strong because otherwise we’d just lay in bed and sob all day.   And seriously, the whole laying-in-bed-sobbing-all-day-thing gets old quick.  The vortex of despair is easy to slip into but hard to escape.  So we fake it and stay afloat another day.

I’m getting ready for the outside world again.  I’ll be going back to work next week, and I have to be mentally prepared for this next step.  I love roasting and selling coffee, though, so I am looking forward to getting back to the roaster, to my co-workers, to the shop, and to all my amazing clients and customers.  I am certain their sensitivity and support will help me go forward and heal.

We are sleeping a lot and it feels right.  I believe that sleeping and dreams are the ways for the mind to reorganize, asses and incorporate our experiences into a coherent whole.  Up to now it’s mostly been just sleeping off the shock of Silas’ birth and then swift passing.  The healing has only just started and will continue for the rest of our lives, probably.

I have begun imagining a hollow, obsidian orb that lives just behind my gut and a touch below my heart.  I guess that’s where I used to imagine my soul living, but now it is this sphere.  Within that sphere are the brief moments I held him and the two dimensional images of his beautiful face and tiny feet.  His lock of hair, his kicks from within Lu’s belly and all the hopes and dreams I had for our lives with him are safely contained.  They live inside that orb now.

When someone asks me a question that I cannot answer truthfully without destroying their day I touch that orb within me.  When I have to speak about our missing child, I touch that smooth, cool, living sphere floating in my core and I find the words to explain our devastation.  The orb is forged from the Abyss we stand beside.  The space within is blindingly bright with a minuscule particle of Silas’ soul.

I have to be out in the world making a living for our family.  I have to be able to speak and walk, chat and hang out, I have to deal with life’s bullshit and be able to forge a semblance of normality within this twisted landscape where we now walk.

We clasp each other’s hands and drink each other’s tears.  I hold her for her bouts of darkness and she drags me into the light when I cannot walk on my own.  Together we carry this vessel of memory and love that contains everything we know about Silas.  It is our most prized possession and it is impenetrable to the entire world.

We fake being normal so that we can get by, but we could drown you all in our tears if wanted to.

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