On the day that Silas was born and passed my life cracked in two.  There is the period before that day and now there is everything after it.  And somehow, everything that has come after it belongs to an utterly different Universe.

I feel transported.  It is as if we have been dropped into an alternative world where everything looks exactly the same, but is utterly wrong.  Despite the sunlight and flowers and loving hugs, there is a darkness in this world we have never seen before.  We are out of tune, out of joint and almost out of our minds.  His missing presence is a powerful force.  We can’t see him or be with him or hold him or love him, but we can feel him distinctly.

Today I drove Lu to a theraputic massage.  Silas was not there with us in the carseat where he should have been.  The bassinet we had prepared in our bedroom is vanished and the chair that now replaces it for people to sit with Lu or I as we lay in bed is a poor replacement.  In a million tiny ways we feel so deeply what has been denied to us.  And it simply makes no sense.

I wake with his name already on my lips.  I go to sleep only after I see his star rise high in the southeast sky.  And throughout the day I have to keep making an effort to cram this reality into my being.  It fits reluctantly.  I feel stuffed with sadness.  The emptiness is so large and forceful I feel as though my brain and body are about to burst with the slightest pinprick.

But drip by drip, the love and support of our friends and family fills up the vaccum within me so that by nightfall I am able to stand alone, able to find laughter amid the desolation, able to see a glint of hope in a future I can no longer understand.

We have been transported.  We have been re-placed.  I believe there are a Chris and Lu and Silas in some other version of this Universe that are still together and are moving down the path of love and hope and beauty that we thought we were on.  My mind keeps trying to find ways back to that world, but my body refuses to cooperate.  Instead, step-by-step, we travel further into this ridiculous, impossible reality where all of our expectations and hopes have been shattered on the eternally impenatrable surface of death itself.

Together Lu and I will find ways to make sense of this strange and dangerous landscape.  We will maintain our love and build a new future, but on some level we three will always be lost, together.

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