It is a beautiful day out there this morning.  The sunlight is almost offensive, like it doesn’t know how terrible we feel and how inappropriate it is for the day to rise up gorgeous and warm.  The rain and gloom of the last few days has fit our mood perfectly.   But then I go outside and the rays warm my skin and fill my eyes and it makes me remember that we need beauty and light and love in our lives if we are going to heal.

The sunflower out front has bloomed.  Its big yellow face of petals is shockingly bright in our front yard.  Although this house is where people are sad and grieving, the sunflower is a living testament that life does keep moving forward, beauty still blooms in the world and that darkness is just a piece of the whole.  We are trying to become whole again but we know it will take a great deal of time for that to happen.

We’re not just moping around here, though.  My brothers are a freakin’ comedy team so they manage to make us laugh even when it seems like laughter is as far away as our little baby boy Silas.  We miss him terribly, and I touch and kiss the photo of him every time I walk into our bedroom.  We have a candle burning next to the image and even though it hurts to look, I need to often, to remind myself of what we should have but do not.

The paradox of all of this is in the normality of the world.  But that apparent normality is utterly wrong.  We should be on a completely different path right now and instead we have been spun back around to the start.  The only problem is that this new start is at the end of a marathon that has drained us of all our resources and reserves.  Before we can move forward one iota we have to regroup and recharge and your love and support are the only things that will help us do that.

Family is filling the house again, and we have our little nephew Oren here with us, too.  We weren’t sure how well we would be able to handle that, but the energy and laughter and beauty and love from this little boy, my brother’s son, is most definitely helping us to heal.

One other thing I should mention here is about food.  We know that people immediately go to food when they want to offer comfort and help and we truly appreciate it.  However, if you are coming by anytime soon, just know that we have enough bagels.  And by ‘enough’ I mean we are considering opening up shop and selling bagels off the front porch!  There are bags of bagels in every nook and cranny and enough cream cheese to cover the block four times over.  Love yes!  Bagels no!