Today we got home at about 2:30pm. I grabbed the paper, scooped up the big soft red blanket, set the lights just so, laid out on the couch and began to read. Fifteen minutes later the paper was on my chest and I was sound asleep. I napped for about an hour and a half. Then we watched lots of LOST, made dinner, chatted and then I retreated to what was the ‘den’ and is now ‘the baby’s room’ and I proceeded to read the rest of the New York Times. No one demanded my time and attention. No meltdowns, no screaming, no crying, no terrifying uncertainty of what the hell I was doing with a child in my arms. Not yet.

I savored every moment of this afternoon. After spending the weekend with our friends who have 1 beautiful 3 year old daughter and another couple with 2 great kids, I was reminded once again that soon, chaos will reign supreme. I know I’m not ready for it, but it has become quite clear to me that no one ever is, so I’m not going to worry about that. I’m going to enjoy this time now, all of it. The luxury of reading the entire paper. The selfish indulgence of an afternoon nap. Multiple episodes of a show I want to watch, which does not include singing or imaginary cartoon characters.

But there was one thing I didn’t feel this weekend that of late I have experienced on more than one occasion. I did not feel envious of my friends who are parents, and of their amazing kids. I no longer had to spend the weekend hoping for that beautiful clamor of children and family. I no longer had to hope the chaos of new life would consume my world. I will have that. That existence is on the way, growing every day in my wife’s body. Our creation is twice the size it was last week. Soon our baby will be bigger than anything either of us have ever experienced in our lives. And when something that huge crash-lands in the center of your life, it is bound to shake up a few things, and make a lot of noise. I cannot wait, but since I have to wait, in the meantime I will help my wife in every way possible, and I will enjoy the anticipation and the quiet.

I guess that is why some people don’t want those noisy chaos creators in their bars. I suppose I can understand that. But it feels weird to almost be on the other side.

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