I’m worn out. Weary. The hoops have won. There are simply too many of them to jump through just to get back to normal.
Away in New Hampshire was the perfect place to hide. I felt like if I stayed in bed, everything would stop. Or the other way around, if I never went to sleep, I’d never have to wake up and face another day.
As always, the leaving was the worst. I woke up at 5am on Sunday morning already rolling through my brain the tangy, bitter bubbles of worries and concern. My stomach was frothing. I made deep breathes unclench my hands, and then I fell back to sleep, for a little while. But soon it was time for goodbyes and a drive.
Every mile brought decisions and responsibilities closer. All of the uncertainty on the horizon made me apprehensive.
Instead of being able to just get up and get shit done, I now have to do a hundred extra things simply to return to a moderate baseline of normality. The anniversary of Silas’ death became the foundation and backdrop to both of Lu’s recent car accidents and although we are grateful that she is fine in both instances, at the same time, we’ve had enough.
Unfortunately, the Universe is bigger than me, so my enough is not a fraction of what the Universe can put forth. Why it has Its Malevolent Eye on me, I do not know but nonetheless, now and then, I still do manage to have fun. For example, today, I was a guest on a show on NPR and truly it was a dream come true.
I have been listening to NPR for 10 years. I cut my Public Radio teeth on WGBH in Boston and the Car Talk guys have kept me smiling on many a brutal weekend mornings this past year. I would give up TV for the rest of my life provided I could keep NPR and the NYTimes. The Internet is non-negotiable, though.
So then today on one hand a dream came true, and on the other, at the garage where my totaled Matrix is stored they had already stuffed it far away in the back even though I called to say I was on my way to empty it completely.
I want the tires, too. I just bought those fucking things along with a clutch 2 months ago and the transmission last year. Maybe it is best to be done with that machine and start over with a fresh Matrix I can drive into the ground on the roads of CT, delivering coffee.
So many hoops, though, just to get back to normal. Finding the car, financing, insurance, title, registration, emissions DMV, DMV… D…M…V. So many actions and requirements that must be executed before I can get back to anything at all like that regular-ole-shit-ass life I’ve come to know and love(?).
The Universe doesn’t stop, though. And it’s bigger than me.
Right now, to be honest, I think It is being a bit of bully.
But whatever, I can take it. I’ve got fresh beer from friends from around the World, and love from so many people. Today I got to be on NP-fucking-R and I got to sound as though I know a few things about coffee. And for today that wins out over the crumpled frame of my totaled car.
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September 28, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Sally
Yeah, the Universe is a bully and it (?) should pick on someone its own size!
Listened to your radio gig this morning over my morning cup of er……. orange juice. You certainly sound like you know what you’re on about. Wish we could get to one of those farmers markets so we could grab a bag of your famous roast.
And glad you got over that massive one year hurdle. It was a big one to clear. I know the days that follow will be tough, but you’ll survive. Look how far you’ve come already.
Keep hanging in there, Chris.
ps: email from Simon forthcoming in response to your email about the beers we sent!
September 29, 2009 at 2:00 am
Ezra's Mommy
It doesn’t stop does it? Beautiful post as always Chris.
September 29, 2009 at 2:20 am
afteriris
God Chirs, you both have really been through the wringer. I’m sorry, and I’m hoping for only good things from now on.
I have a coffee question which I might email you about separately, so if you get an email from an internet stranger then that’ll be me!
September 29, 2009 at 8:12 am
Kristina
Well I agree the universe is being a big bully but I know you, and I know how stubborn you can be, and I know ultimately you will put the universe in it’s place! And then it will be your turn to point and say “Ha Ha!”
Congrats on your NPR interview! Looking forward to checking it out later today! And I’m terribly sorry about the matrix and the new set of hurdles this brings. But I look forward to you turning the universe on itself and things turning around for you. Keep going forward-you’re doing a tremendous job!
((HUGS))
September 29, 2009 at 11:42 am
monica lemoine
Chris, yes – getting to be on NP-fucking-R, plus beer & love – those are all awesome little gems of good things. I hope these keep you buoyed through these other trying times that you’re going through now. Hugs to you, Silas and Lani.
By the way – you’re a coffee expert of some sort??? That just bumped you up to the way top of the coolness ladder.
September 30, 2009 at 1:05 pm
elmcitydad
Hi Monica,
I am definitely far from any kind of a coffee “expert” but because I do it for a living, I suppose I do know more than the average person. Really it feels like I only know enough to know how much I still have to learn. Compared to the true experts of the industry I am barely above novice, but I’m always learning and always trying to improve my roasting techniques, my palette and my understanding of the many, many steps between those cherries on the bush to the brew in your cup.
I do love this job, though, and I hope I never have to do any other sort of work besides coffee roasting, sourcing and tasting.
September 29, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Erica
Congrats on the NPR gig! Also, I think it’s darned cool that you’ve met Nell Newman.
Sometimes when I get a moment of happiness I think, “Take that, Universe!” and then (of course) I feel the need to run and hide. I hope the universe eases up and that you get at least a few really peaceful months with many (many!) fewer hoops to jump through.
October 3, 2009 at 9:18 am
monica
OK Chris, we simply must talk about this a second longer ok? My friend Al Liu is a big coffee guy – worked for Alterra in Milwaukee and now for Atlas Roasters here in Seattle – he travels around the world and meets growers and buys coffee, basically. He’s always meeting with people from Green Mountain and other random coffee companies about god knows what. So, I’m totally fasinated by his job and the whole industry (especially since I do love, love, love the stuff. Case in point would be me to my doctor a few months ago: what’s the maximum amount of coffee I can drink and not fuck up this fetus???) Yes, that was a real early-morning panicked phonecall. I’m doing 1/2 cup a day and it’s enough to feed the addiction yet not make me feel like I’m going to baby-killer hell.
Um, anyway, back to you. Al does these cuppings – do you do those too? They’re hilarious to watch – those slurping sounds and the serious looks on people’s faces! What do you DO exactly for your job? I mean, do you travel around and buy coffee? You might even know my friend! CRAY-ZAY!