The silence is deep. I hear the echoes of what was and what should have been.
Lu in labor then. A first birthday party now.
Instead it is just quiet. The emails only buzz. The phone only blinks, messages of love within.
The humongous sunflower out front is bowed low with the promise of another thousand just like it. Bowed low with sadness too, with the weight of our grief bright and brilliant during this first gorgeous fall.
Every day when I open my eyes, it is the first day that Silas wasn’t here. This year was three hundred and sixty-five of those. Tomorrow will be three hundred and sixty-six.
Every time I can’t believe it. Every time it is true.
But you must excuse me now. I have things to smash.
Everything but the sunflower. The sunflower stays.
57 comments
Comments feed for this article
September 25, 2009 at 1:16 am
Sally
Remembering Silas with you, with love. Today and always.
xo
September 25, 2009 at 2:29 am
afteriris
Thinking of you and Lani and remembering Silas. xx
September 25, 2009 at 3:22 am
Tracey
Thoughts are with you today…remembering Silas and all that should have been.
Much love…
September 25, 2009 at 3:48 am
Catherine W
Remembering Silas Orion. Thinking of you and your family. xo
September 25, 2009 at 4:35 am
kindbits
love to you and Lani. (((HUGS)))
September 25, 2009 at 4:57 am
TracyOC
Thinking of you, Lani, and Silas.
September 25, 2009 at 6:22 am
amy
Silas – your mommy and daddy miss you so much and love you even more. Please send them all the the light you can today for their hearts to find some peace. Happy birthday little guy!
Chris and Lani – I’m thinking of you today. I know this day is difficult and I hope you do find moments of peace. The sunflower sounds beautiful and sorrowful all at the same time. I wish Silas were there with you, celebrating his first birthday. I envision our little boys together, their spirits dancing together this Autumn day.
Sending tons of love to you both.
September 25, 2009 at 6:38 am
bir
Thinking of you and your son, Silas, today xxx
September 25, 2009 at 6:50 am
Danielle
Remembering sweet SIlas today and wishing it were all so different. There’s nothing right to say, but I am here.
September 25, 2009 at 7:17 am
Christy
Coming over from Sally’s blog-wanting to send my love and tell you that a stranger from Wisconsin is thinking of you, your wife, and beautiful little Silas tody and every day.
September 25, 2009 at 7:18 am
Jenni
thinking of silas with you today. xo
September 25, 2009 at 7:30 am
Michele
hugs… many hugs and remembering with you.
September 25, 2009 at 7:32 am
loribeth
Thinking of the three of you, with tears in my eyes (at work too!). (((hugs))) Wishing you a day full of peace & love.
September 25, 2009 at 7:34 am
tash
Remembering Silas today. Much love.
September 25, 2009 at 7:37 am
Mira
thinking of you and Lani, and your boy today. saying his beautiful name, Silas.
September 25, 2009 at 7:43 am
sweetsalty kate
Abundant love for you both, and for Silas in all his journeys. xo
September 25, 2009 at 8:06 am
leanna
I just now came across your blog and wanted to send my love and strength to you both today. I have read Silas’ story and am both touched and deeply saddened by your loss. I am so sorry.
Remembering Silas’ and all of our Angels with you today.
I have made a pair of Angel Wings for Silas. You can find them on the Angel Wings Memorial Boutique site :
http://angelwingsmemorialboutique.blogspot.com/2009/09/silas-orion.html
Hoping for a small amount of comfort today.
September 25, 2009 at 8:14 am
once a mother
Your little Silas is in my heart this morning. Thinking of you both as you navigate this day without Silas and praying for peace in your hearts.
September 25, 2009 at 8:39 am
Kristina
Remembering Silas today and sending my love to the three of you. He is forever missed and never forgotten.
((HUGS))
September 25, 2009 at 8:39 am
Tamara
In my thoughts, always. xo
September 25, 2009 at 8:57 am
mkwewer
I’m so sorry Silas isn’t here. My thoughts are with you today…
September 25, 2009 at 10:09 am
Ya Chun
Thinking of you three
September 25, 2009 at 10:27 am
juliereeg
Sending hugs to you from Ohio and remembering your little boy today.
September 25, 2009 at 10:50 am
Lorza
I am so sorry for you loss.
September 25, 2009 at 11:01 am
Erica
Smashing seems a good way to deal with this day. In my experience, it doesn’t ever quite manage to be as satisfying as one could wish, but I will hope that for you it will be different. Thinking of you and Lani, and of your Silas, and sending love.
September 25, 2009 at 11:04 am
Marybeth
My heart is heavy with love and sorrow for you. Sending love strong to you and Lani and honoring Silas today.
September 25, 2009 at 11:06 am
Heather
Silas will always be in our hearts. love, love, love you.
September 25, 2009 at 11:22 am
Deborah Pucci
Extremely real post. Your words express the deepest of sadness. I am so sorry for your sorrow.
September 25, 2009 at 11:32 am
Michelle
Thinking of you all today, remembering the moments. BIG HUGS! much love.
September 25, 2009 at 11:52 am
Karen
sending all my love
xoxo
September 25, 2009 at 11:52 am
BluebirdSinging
I just recently started reading your blog(s) and am so sorry that Silas is not here with you celebrating his first birthday. I hope that the smashing helps and that you are able to find some peace today.
Thinking of Silas…
September 25, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Akul's mom
When our children die our dreams and hopes and even our future is smashed. Everything that matters is ground to pieces already. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish your angel was with you today and I wish instead of mourning you were celebrating. Thinking of you and your angel baby.
September 25, 2009 at 1:54 pm
kalakly
Thinking of you as you remember Silas and dream of Sunflowers to come.
xxoo
September 25, 2009 at 2:41 pm
MamaPenguin
I am so very sorry. This internet stranger is remembering Silas with you on this day as well.
September 25, 2009 at 3:05 pm
aliza
sending you and lani so much love today
smashing has been a needed release for me
wish it were all so different
xox
September 25, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Aunt Becky
Remembering Silas with you today and always. I’m so sorry. The ache echos in my heart.
September 25, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Bernice
I am so sorry Chris and Lani – I wish your sweet Silas was with you. Love you guys.
September 25, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Karen
Just read about your Silas on Sally’s blog at Tuesday’s Hope. Thinking of you both and your beautiful boy with sadness. (((hugs))) from another bereaved mumma.
September 25, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Melissa
Thinking of you both and remembering Silas today. I just saw his picture. Such a beautiful baby boy. xo
September 25, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Sue
Thinking of you and your family, with love.
September 25, 2009 at 4:10 pm
heather
every bit of my heart was with the three of you today. i just wanted you to know that.
September 25, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Delenn
Thinking of you and your family, remembering Silas.
September 25, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Sophie
Thinking of Silas today. Wishing you and Lani strength.
September 25, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Laina
You, Lani & Silas are in our thoughts today. Sending you love – we will light a birthday candle for Silas tonight.
September 25, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Marie and Mitch
We have lit a candle and blew a kiss toward the stars.
Remembering your beautiful Silas
Much love to you and Lani
September 25, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Julia
Remembering Silas with you. Hoping the day wasn’t entirely brutal on you.
Sunflowers– a friend whose son died four weeks before my A has a tradition of always bringing sunflowers to her son’s grave. Somehow before I heard it from her, I never thought of taking sunflowers to the cemetery. Now I do that a lot, and always think of her Natan along with my A. When I bring sunflowers from now on, I will think of Silas too.
September 25, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Mike L.
so much love to you guys. our prayers are with you.
September 25, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Christa
Thinking of you, Lani and Silas tonight with love. A candle glows on our table and Silas will always be in our hearts.
September 25, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Inanna
I lit a candle for your Silas tonight. Remembering him with you.
September 25, 2009 at 11:51 pm
elmcitydad
Thank you all. We can feel your love and support pouring in from all parts of the World. Although we are lonely without our son, we know we are not alone. Your kind words and candles and insight help keep us upright.
September 26, 2009 at 12:33 am
Funsize
Remembering you and your beautiful son Silas tonight. I am so heartbroken for you and your family.
September 26, 2009 at 2:54 am
Rachel
Silas xxx
September 26, 2009 at 10:35 pm
claire
I think of you both often, but especially now. We remember Silas too and send our love to you both.
September 27, 2009 at 8:32 am
Bon
thinking of you both and of Silas Orion, the beautiful boy with the beautiful name who i see everytime i look at the night sky.
September 27, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Sylvie
Wishing you and Lani peace and strings of happiness to come. Much love to Silas.
September 29, 2009 at 5:48 am
WG
“Every time I can’t believe it. Every time it is true.”
So well put. Peace and love to you, Lani, and Silas on this important birthday
October 2, 2009 at 12:57 pm
livingintherainbow
Sorry for not posting on the day but I was in Africa and 12 hour 4×4 ride from an internet connection!
Well done for getting through the day. Must have been tough. Our first anniversary is coming up on 17th (death) and 19th (birth) October so is looming now. Take care