I have had these images of myself with my feet stuck in cement, and everyone else is just flying past me. Their lives are moving forward, baby after baby being born. And here I am, stuck. While I know I’ve moved forward in these last 9 months in so many other ways, I am still not a mom to a living child. As a teacher, I have always taken care of other people’s children. I have always imagined what it would be like to finally have children of my own. I almost did.
When we decided it was time to start our family, we were still in SF. The timing never seemed to work, and then we decided to move east. At that point, we figured we’d wait until we were settled in a new town in a new apt. As soon as that time finally came, we got pregnant pretty quickly. It happened so fast and so unexpectedly. Our bodies really were connected with our minds.
Here I am, years later from when we first decided we were ready, and we’re back to square one. It’s so frustrating and so upsetting. I am realizing that in all this, I am scared to death that it will never happen. I am terrified that I will never get to be a mom. One by one, all the babylost mom’s out there are getting pregnant again. Then here I sit, waiting, stuck, a life on hold. It’s almost unbearable at times.
I have the angel on one shoulder whispering in my ear in the most hopeful of voices “of course you will get pregnant again, don’t be silly.” I have the devil shouting at me “don’t set yourself up for disappointment again, look what happened to you already.” and the battle continues. Do I fill myself up with hope that it will happen to me? Or do I put away all thoughts of what will & could be and accept what is now.
I don’t want to accept it. I imagine my Silas with me, 9 months old, almost every single day. It’s my daily torture. It’s this constant longing for what isn’t here and what will never be. Then I fill my thoughts with hope for a new life growing inside of me. But that is not happening, and at this point, is hard to really believe that it will. I want to believe it, oh so badly, but that devil forces me back to reality.
Balance is necessary and important. Finding it with the opposing thoughts on my shoulders is a challenge. Luckily I have lots of love around me, pulling me up from the cement and moving me in the direction I need to go.
23 comments
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July 2, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Sally
I wish I had answers for you. Seems pointless to sit here and say “oh but of course you will get pregnant again” because none of us really know. Just like I don’t know if this new baby of mine will be born alive.
Somehow though, we just keep going. We are moving forward, whether we like it or not.
Lani (and Chris) I am just wishing so hard for you and sending you all the positive energy I have. If that helps even half of one percent, I will feel good.
And no matter what, I will always be here for you. I will never forget your beautiful little boy.
July 2, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Angie
Lani, I wish I had a particular kind of jackhammer that would get you, and me, and a whole host of us babylost people out of this cement, but maybe that isn’t the point…maybe it is like what you said, whatever happens there is love surrounding you, dusting you off, pointing you in the right direction. It still hurts, but we lean into the love, and it carries us, perhaps clumsily, with a huge cement block still stuck to our feet for a while. It will break apart, one chunky ugly rock at a time, until we can walk again on our own…with love, as always.
July 2, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Monique
I hear you, Lani. I have the same thoughts and it’s all just bloody hard sometimes. Sending you much love & hugs. xo
July 2, 2009 at 9:46 pm
suetoo
I’m sorry you are in this place. Unfortunately, I know it well. Even though I’m coming out of the deep depression, the anger is rising, a new sadness. It’s hard to explain. I don’t know. It’s the loss, the fear that I will never be pregnant again, that I will have another loss, that we will never have a child. All this time, I’ve been carrying those fears along with the grief. It took so long for a pg to take; how long will it take again? Tick tock. I hate it.
I’m sorry to ramble all about me. I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I know what you mean, how it seems all the DBMs are getting pregnant again. It’s a very odd feeling, and mixed. The cement metaphor seems exactly right.
If you ever want to talk or vent, feel free to send me an email.
July 2, 2009 at 9:48 pm
suetoo
BTW, this is Sue from So Dear and Yet So Far. My wordpress account gives me a different ID.
July 2, 2009 at 10:15 pm
Sophie
I’m so sorry Lani. I hope it happens for you soon.
July 3, 2009 at 3:34 am
mirne
The problem is, that sometimes even if you do get pregnant, it doesn’t work out. We all know that already. But sometimes, even armed with that knowledge, we’re still shocked that it still doesn’t work out — the pregnancy that is.
Hope is a good thing. Hope is the only thing that keeps me going these days. But I need to balance that hope with reality. The reality of my life and current situation.
I’m walking a tightrope these days — the tightrope which runs between (i) parenting dead babies and (ii) parenting a living baby. You see I’m pregnant … with my third. By my first two are dead. Two pregnancies, two births, two dead babies. This third is my last chance. My last hope. If this one doesn’t work, there will be no more hope for me to parent a living child.
Then I’m going to have to find something else to hope for.
As you said, balance is necessary and important. Because, unfortunately, none of us know what’s going to happen in our lives.
July 3, 2009 at 4:28 am
mirne
I just want to clarify. Hope is important — it is all important. But one particular hope might be what you need to pull yourself out of the depths of despair, but it might not be the hope which you need in order to take the next step on the path of your life.
July 3, 2009 at 9:19 am
loribeth
I hear you too. We were so ready for our lives to change, to take on that new challenge & expand our family, & to find ourselves back at square one and everything going on the same as ever (well, not everything, but on the surface, anyway) was (is) incredibly frustrating.
July 3, 2009 at 10:27 am
caitsmom
I’m a baby lost mama who will never get pregnant again. Perhaps knowing that will help you feel less alone–there are baby lost mamas out there not getting pregnant and parenting living children. Perhaps knowing that will give you hope. I can’t get pregnant again, but you may be able to. But, likely your pain is your pain and my situation bears nothing in your healing.
But, I hope that my hopes for you to have a living child does. I hope that my hopes for you to find the balance you seek may send a bit of salve to this most terrible wound. You are a loving mother and I am posting this to add to that love that may help you in this journey. Peace.
July 3, 2009 at 10:41 am
littlebluebirdsfly
I understand. It sucks and I’m sorry.
July 3, 2009 at 11:10 am
Kristina
Hi Lani.
You can only do what feels right for you and even that will change with time. We are here, hoping for you, hoping for all the babylost moms out there that they overcome their struggles and wishing peace for all.
Love you lady.
July 3, 2009 at 11:49 am
Nuwie
Hi Lani. Sorry you are feeling stuck, I bet the rainy days haven’t been helping you feel optimistic. But it’s wonderful that so many babylost mamas are getting another chance…and yours will come. I can absolutely understand how you must feel impatient now, I hope your practice will help you. Though you feel stuck, remember you are always changing and always moving forward, in every single moment.
God speed Mother Nature! xoxoxo
July 3, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Shuman
Hi Lani,
I think about you guys often and send love from 3,000 miles away. I know you feel stuck and it can’t be easy but like you said you are surrounded by love and love with you get through the tough times.
Love ya lots – Shuman
July 3, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Danielle
You said it, sister. 100%.
July 4, 2009 at 8:31 am
Inanna
Sometimes I wish there were words… sometimes I’m okay that there aren’t, and I can almost accept that we can’t do anything but keep journeying forward on this path. Wherever it leads.
July 4, 2009 at 4:02 pm
WriterGirl
For the two women who say they will never get pregnant again or can’t…I wonder if that is true? Miracles do happen…I hear those stories all the time.
For Lani, I started reading this blog last fall, suffered miscarriages along the way, and worried after the second D&C that I’d be scarred and couldn’t get pregnant again. Anyway, just found out I am! Of course, I am only 4.5 weeks and anything can happen. But I am also a few months older than you are (38 and a half) so I know that if you conceived easily a year ago, you will again…your body probably took half a year to get back to normal after birth, so you shoudl be just about ready.
What helped me was going to see a reproductive endocrinologist at a fertility clinic. He did a saline sonogram on day 8 of my cycle to make sure tehre was no scarring and that I was ovulating. Also, he saw a dominant follicle growing and said I would ovulate in 4-5 days. Also had a progesterone blood test on day 21 to make sure I had ovulated. My husband and I had timed sex two days before and the day of ovulation. IT was helpful to know that my body was at last back to normal.
Even as you and I get older, there are still some good eggs…but some things can change over time (even with men’s sperm) so it doesn’t hurt to get all the tests you can so you can rest easy knowing you will get preggo again.
I am still scared that I may miscarry (25-40 percent chance at our age), have an ectopic, etc. An ultrasound at 6 weeks should at least let me know if things are going ok. It’s so hard to get pregnant, and then as someone said above, deal with the fact that you can never be sure it will be ok. Heck, even after the baby is born you have to wrry every second.
But you are a mom, and you deserve to be pregnant again. So you will!!!!
With love and hope,
WG
July 5, 2009 at 9:16 am
mom
sweetheart,……after reading your blog and the comments that follow my thought is this: you are doing everything you can to bring about your dream. i think the comments that are ladened with negativity are not the ones to focus on. think about all the people i have encountered who have lost a baby and went on to have others that have been alive and healthy and have brought them joy.
there is no doubt that the battle between your angel and your demon will continue until you are holding a baby in your arms. try as hard as you can to listen to the angel and embrace the possibility that there will be a time that you will fulfill your dream of being a mother. human nature makes us wary and experience makes us warier…..but for you …..you need to be realistic but not give up your dream.
believe that your body needed time to heal and that your time is nigh.
try and find some of the optimism that moved you through your life before all this happened,
and i am glad that you know that we who love you are here to assist you with whatever life brings you.
July 5, 2009 at 10:36 pm
Meg & Brian
Lani, thinking of you and sending you lots of love and angels.
Brian and Meg
July 6, 2009 at 7:53 am
afteriris
Dear Lani, I wanted to thank you for leaving a comment on my blog. I read here all the time, although I sometimes find it hard to find the right words to comment.
I wish I could say something meaningful and reassuring to you right now, something to banish the shoulder devil permanently or perhaps I could add some leverage to Angie’s jackhammer…
In lieu of that, I’ll be sending you lots of positive thoughts and hope.
x
July 6, 2009 at 9:39 am
Cynthia
Lani, I came here via glow in the woods, but have never commented before. Your writing and Chris’ writing always resonate with me, and I hope that your posts give you both half the solace that gives me to read them.
My husband and I struggled with years of infertility prior to the birth of our daughter. My second child died shortly after birth. We are now hopefully expecting our third in a few weeks. It baffles me, from where I stand, to hear of couples who conceive so easily, and whose children are simply expected to, and do, live.
One thing a close friend of mine said to me, as I wept over another dud cycle after the death of my son, and that kept me going and grounded was simply, “If not this month, then next month.” I used to repeat it as a kind of mantra to myself during that two week wait, month after month. As I am not a stranger to the deep heartache you write about, I am also not a stranger to the pervading power of hope.
My best to you both.
July 6, 2009 at 10:17 am
CLC
It’s so hard to have those opposing forces on your shoulder. And I know that ache well. I think the ache is the worst, because many times we think we can change things, and this is the one thing we cannot. Thinking of you.
July 10, 2009 at 12:48 pm
aliza
i am with you lani. exactly where you are. stuck in the cement of grief and what should have been while everyone else’s life is moving forwards.
sending you love