In Sanskrit, Ahimsa means non-harming- in thought, words or deeds of oneself or others. My awareness of Ahimsa began back in my first teacher training years ago. It is one of yamas (restraints) which makes up Pantanjali’s 8 limbs. The other limbs that are more familiar would be the asanas (poses), breathing (pranayama) and meditation (dyana). It had never struck me until now, to think of it in terms of myself. I usually thought of it in terms of the non-harming or non-violence of others.
These days, my thoughts are all about the self-blame, guilt, anger, unhappiness and the awful body image. I have focused my being not on healing myself, or taking care of me, but on being angry with who I’ve become since Silas has died. I judge myself in thoughts of resentment. I can barely look at my stomach and the extra skin that just does not want to disappear. I blame myself for the choices that were made and for my body failing. When I find myself sitting at my computer, unable to get work done, I feel defeated. Not yet pregnant? well, of course that’s my fault, stress is wreaking havoc on my reproductive system. Sometimes I even think that if I leave those thoughts behind, I’ll be leaving my little Silas behind too.
With all the work I’m doing on myself, the EMDR therapy, the yoga, the writing, hanging with friends, getting massages, I still manage to find time to beat myself up. It’s like double the work of just dealing with the grief and that is why I am so exhausted all the time.
Last week in yoga class, my teacher spoke about Ahimsa. It hit such a nerve with me, and I came to a very powerful realization on my mat. I will never fully heal unless I stop these violent and harmful thoughts about myself. I work on this in therapy, I talk about it with Chris and with friends who will listen. I know I am the only one with the power to stop this endless chatter going on in my brain. But it is hard. It is so damn hard to quit. It has become part of the routine of my life. I need to retrain my brain from working in this manner.
The thing is, it is not just about being sad that Silas died, that my baby, who I carried inside me for more then 9 months, is not here with us. The rippling effect of our baby’s death has caused me to suppress the parts of myself where I used to find joy. I hate that I can’t see friends babies, or pregnant friends or even talk about pregnancy or babies. This is something I LOVED. I can’t do it. I have had to tuck that away, which fills me with such enormous pain, I almost can’t handle it. Not only did I lose my baby, but I lost a hundred other things on top of it. All that stuff has just piled up and piled up in my brain, and I can’t stop it from happening.
I am working on it though. I am letting go of resentments and working on being nice to myself. Just giving myself a break from all the thoughts that keep my jaw clenched and make my brain hurt everyday is really important. It’s hard though. But it’s what I have to do if I want to keep moving forward.
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June 19, 2009 at 10:58 pm
Jennie
Lani, I know that in addition to everything else you are dealing with that all of those things you put onto yourself just make it harder to get through each day. I know you will be able to let go of the negative (your anger, blame and resentment towards yourself) without letting go of Silas. I continue to support you as you get to more of a peaceful place with yourself. ((HUGS))
June 19, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Mrs.spit
My yoga instructor, after an extremely frustrating session wherein I could not do what my body did while pregnant just a few months before, told me I would have to forgive my body and make my peace with it before I could move on into trusting it again.
Wise, that.
June 20, 2009 at 4:17 am
heather
lani, i am so glad you made this connection. ahimsa always starts with ourselves, it can never be fully practiced outwardly unless we practice it at home first. we can never honor and love those around us completely until we show the same honor and love for ourselves. but man, it’s the hardest thing. but not impossible… and so healing and amazing when we can open up to it. thinking of you always. xo
“the highest form of spiritual practice, is self-observation without judgement.” ~ swami kripalu
June 20, 2009 at 10:04 am
Danielle
Lani- of course. And, yet, so hard to do. I spend all day talking with others about compassion and forgiveness and then come home and beat up on myself. Thanks for the reminder.
June 20, 2009 at 7:15 pm
elle
did your doc say anything about not being pregnant yet? have you had a saline sonogram to check for scarring? its an easy test… anyway i know it will happen for you.
i know how you feel – they say it is better to not be stressed, but how can you not be stressed!!! my friends tell me just to have faith. hard to do tho.
June 20, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Erica
It sounds like you’re doing some very good and important work, Lani. I’m sorry that it’s so hard – so many things get tangled up in my grief that I keep losing track of where they begin and end. Thinking of you.
June 20, 2009 at 9:13 pm
Sally
You’re beautiful Lani. And helping so many others with your words and wisdom.
June 21, 2009 at 12:41 am
Rachel
Lani, it is easy for me through reading this blog over so many months-to ’see’ that you are beautiful inside and out. I am glad you have had that moment of realisation on the mat; and I hope that you will slowly work towards caring for yourself, and loving yourself in thought and action. You deserve that so much. I know it is so hard. It is almost a ‘resolve’ to live the best life-for youself, and also dear Silas. Take care, and love to you, Rachel xxx
June 21, 2009 at 9:53 am
tash
I think you hit it: it means non harming, and right now these things hurt you. You’re just practicing self-defense by avoiding those thoughts/people, and you need to accept yourself doing that and realize why. For me it’s not about resentment, it’s about protecting your fragile self while you heal. You have enough pain to sort through without giving yourself more to think about.
Much love and understanding coming your way.
June 21, 2009 at 10:29 am
Ezra's Mommy
So true Lani, and so easier said than done. Practicing compassion on ourselves is the hardest thing. Sending love to you and Chris today and everyday.
June 21, 2009 at 11:08 am
kalakly
Avoiding things that make you sad is not harmful,it’s protective. I know the sadness you spek of with regards to pg women and babies. Even having my after baby, seeing innocent happy pg women still cuts me like a knife. I think it always will. It is just sucha glaring reminder of loss.
I think as long as you allow yourself the right to heal, the right to have the feelings you have, you will find the joy again. It will come in pieces and in its own way, but it will come.
Go easy on yourself.
xxoo
June 21, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Inanna
We are not our stories. But it’s so damned hard to remember that…
June 21, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Peg
Happy father’s day to Chris, by the way.
I also am curious what the docs say about getting pregnant, as I am 38 as well and have had a miscarriage (haven’t been married that long) and am hoping there is still a good shot. Do the docs say there is any hurt from the pregnancy? You know, it may just be that you need a little boost of hormones or something…
June 21, 2009 at 4:53 pm
mamaliza
lani-
i can so relate to this post. so many thoughts swirl in my mind too. and the loss upon loss. i’ve lost so much of myself too. the social, happy person that i was. and the loss of friends and their babies and pg friends, that is so hard too. i’ve cut myself off from so many people. most of the time i don’t like who i’ve become…fat, jealous, angry, bitter, sad…but you are so right, only we have the power to transform and to love ourselves.
thank you
xo
June 21, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Tracy
Lani, you have come a long way since September and have shown great strength. I am glad that you are going to try to be more gentle with yourself, and start to heal in a different way. Your love for Silas will never lessen, even if your pain does. We all know that.
Lots of love on this day for you guys-
June 21, 2009 at 7:59 pm
sheila
there’s always a great deal of wisdom in yours and Chris’s posts. I appreciate that you guys are open enough to share this very powerful stuff with us. This post,in particular has a wonderful insight, Lani. Kindness and forgiveness is great for the soul but forgiving and being kind to oneself is so often overlooked, especially for women I think. thanks for sharing this beautiful epiphany, which I hope helps to light your way down this terribly difficult path. I’m in constant admiration of you.
lots of love to you both.
June 22, 2009 at 1:44 am
Christa
You are beautiful inside and out Lani. You have the strength to stop the negative, non-healing thoughts and be gentle on yourself. It is hard and you will not always succeed, but when you don’t, pick yourself up and try again. Lots of love to you.
June 22, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Gal
Be gentle with yourself, sweet Lani. Even in the trying harder to get these thoughts inside to stop, remember to be gentle and patient as you do, whether or not you “succeed” each day. We must’ve been connected in our spirits yesterday, because I wrote about some of this on Glow in the Woods last night. Maybe you can give yourself permission to consider the possibility of healing, of releasing some of the tightness inside, of forgiving yourself, forgiving life. I’m not saying to just do those things, but maybe just open yourself to the possibility that that can happen one day, slowly, in small ways. Look at your belly that reminds you of Silas, speak to it and let it know how many complicated emotions it brings up in you, and at the same time, touch it and give it love, let the tears come if they need to. But most of all, be gentle with yourself. Gentle is the opposite of harming, I think. Compassion. Love to you.
June 23, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Marybeth
I hope that you are able to be gentler to yourself. Maybe you can slowly allow yourself to believe some of what everyone is telling you. I know it isn’t the same as feeling it from the inside out, but maybe you can let more of the outside in. I hope that you can allow some of the words and feelings here, and from your friends and family, absorb into your mind and body. You are a beautiful person, inside and out. There is still a sparkle in your eyes that is more than sadness and tears. I hope that you can forgive yourself for being mean to yourself even, and even for the future times where you may slip and beat yourself up again. I am thinking about you and sending you love and strength as you continue to forge your way ahead. I am proud of you and wish you strength and that elusive inner kindness.
June 24, 2009 at 7:04 am
Angie
I love this post, Lani. I think being gentle, kind, loving to ourselves is the most difficult compassion around. Sending you much grounding and strength, Lani.
June 24, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Nuwie
Glad to read this post. I don’t know if you do metta meditation, but if not that could really help you, as it is so important for you to love yourself too. A book I really found helpful for this is called Lovingkindness by sharon salzburg, just thought I’d mention it.
June 26, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Heather
I am so incredibly proud and in awe of both you and Chris that you have the insight and the power to share such emotion and wisdom. Don’t be afraid to love yourself as much as we love you…we’re with you every step of the way.
June 26, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Cara
Lani – parenting is work. Parenting a dead baby is more work than any other person in your life will ever realize. You are so in touch with yourself that you will get back to a place that feels real. Bless you for even being able to put it into words. I think I put it into walls back then.
June 28, 2009 at 1:39 am
sassy
I’m so, so sorry. You sound like an amazing person and parent. This post was beautiful.
June 30, 2009 at 12:34 am
Karen
You are truly a beautiful person and I’m so proud to call you my friend. The brain is such a hard thing to control – it will take practice and time. But I know you can replace these negative thoughts and worry with hope and love. You can do it..we all know you can.
xo