Chris and I had our first kiss 6 years ago this week. We are going to Panama for a week in Feb on the 4 yr anniversary of our city hall wedding. Christmas day was exactly 13 weeks since Silas was born and died and it was also a Thursday like that horrible day. This crappy year comes to an end in a few days and I’ve come to the realization that no matter where I am that night, I’ll be sad. Loads of dates, anniversaries and markers to place on all this going on in our life right now.
Oh yeah, and then there is Jan 5, the day that we conceived Silas. That day is looming in the corner of my mind, making me crazy. And then, how can I not be calculating constantly when I’m ovulating and of course how that would play out in terms of due dates? Is it better to have a baby before Silas was born? After the anniversary of his birth and death? That last part is not up to me. I know it will happen again when the time is right, just like the first time.
Seriously, Jan 1 last year Chris was like “let’s do this thing, lets get pregnant!” and bam, it happened. Not to say we hadn’t been trying before that, but it was at this point when the timing was right for us, we were settled in our new apt in New Haven and we were ready.
So how about that new 32″ tv we just bought with our Christmas money. Yeah that was a necessary purchase. I guess we needed something to take the place of what was supposed to be a baby this winter. I know we aren’t the only babylost parents out there to buy themselves a brand new tv amongst other fun toys to replace the shittiness that has occurred in our lives right now. I spent the entire day yesterday on the couch just enjoying my new HDTV and I was happy. I was cozy and warm in my apt and had no where to go, no place to be, no one to talk to, nothing to do. I really liked it. When Chumby or Bandha would come and lay on my chest or nuzzle my neck, I pictured it to be Silas. But I wasn’t sad yesterday. I mean, I’m always sad, but I wasn’t like crying my eyes out sad like I was 4 days ago.
The 3 cats we have running around tearing up our apt day after day is definitely providing some much needed entertainment. We are trying to figure out how to not give Einshtein back but I’m sure his mommy would miss him terribly. So for now, we get to parent our cats, cozy up with a new tv and hope for the best with 2009 just around the corner.
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December 28, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Gal
I too am looking forward for 2008 to come to a close. I feel weird acknowledging that, though, because 2008 was also the year I carried and knew my baby, along with the year I lost her. Worst year of my life, yes. But also the only year I will ever have with her. So I move away from this year with sadness… both because it was an awful hard f-ing year, and because I have to let it go and move further away from her…
December 28, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Ezra's Mommy
I feel so conflicted about wishing for the end of 2008. It was actually more happy than sad…the most happy ever…and then of course the saddest ever.
After not getting pregnant last month, I let go of the number game, at least to some extent. I’m past the point of having a due date that is on our about the time Ezra was born. I’ve just realized the next little one will come our way when the time is right, or at least I’m trying to convince myself of that.
December 28, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Cara
I just read about another couple that went shopping to ease their holiday and memory related pain. Good for you!
The numbers are one of the biggest ghosts we have to suffer through after a loss. The before, after, when should we, when shouldn’t we is just too much. Be gentle and get lost in your big screen!!!
December 28, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Sally
You know I am playing the numbers game, too. Constantly. And I’m also past the point of having another baby now before I had Hope. I’ll now more than likely have to survive being pregnant, probably quite pregnant, when her birthday rolls around.
And yes, we are loving our new 37″ high definition TV! (hah, we got 5″ on you!!) but it is a bullshit replacememt for our baby. We also bought a flash new SLR camera (and I have been taking a lot of photos of the dog) and a coffee machine and a new vacuum cleaner. WTF?
I second what Gal says, I’ve got such mixed emotions about saying goodbye to this year. The only year I knew my baby. I wish we could have you guys over on New Year’s Eve to bid farewell to this year and dream about all that is possible in 2009.
Thinking of you guys and missing our babies xo
December 28, 2008 at 11:28 pm
mom
sweetheart….numbers….time ….days…..dates…..just words…..dont get bogged down on them……each new thing in our lives holds its own place….so whatever happens….when it happens….will stand on its own.
i am so happy to know that yesterday was a good day for you ….that you indulged yourself in something that made you feel cozy and warm….that you and chris can enjoy your new purchase and feel like it is something that will help you heal…
i am happy that you are going on a trip to a warm place where you can let the sunshine heat you from the outside in…..i look forward to when you come to visit us so you can do it yet again…
meanwhile…..step by step ….take whatever good things that life offers you and do what needs to be done [i will say no more] and there will be a wonderful new year ahead…….GOOD BYE 2008…..you are GONE…
December 30, 2008 at 4:05 am
Rachel
this made me smile for you : )
much love x
December 30, 2008 at 11:55 pm
cs
Wishing you both a new year filled with lots of love, healing and happiness.
January 3, 2009 at 6:58 pm
WriterGirl
So much of pregnancy is a numbers game, it can drive you batty. At our age, 1/3 chance of miscarriage. 1/50 pregnancies are ectopic. One we get past the first 12 weeks, the chances are high that the baby will be fine. With all these numbers, how can we stop worrying and enjoy the churning of new life?
We see new babies all around us, hear about them from our friends, but people on the street don’t wear t-shirts saying “I had a miscarriage” or “I lost my baby in the 5th month,” so we forget that pregnancy is a miracle that requires so much patience, time, trial and error.
And yet we’ll keep trying. I think this will be a wonderful year for you.
January 3, 2009 at 8:12 pm
Dalene
Hi Lani–the numbers drive me crazy, too. 9 months today for me. Thursdays used to drive me crazy, now I mark the 3rd of every month.
Thank you to you and Chris for writing. I’m drawn to people who’ve had a similar experience of a health fullterm baby dying in labor or due to complications of labor. I’ve recommended your blog to other parents in my support group, particularly because of the perspective that Chris provides for fathers. It’s so helpful to know that we’re not alone in this.
January 4, 2009 at 9:31 am
monica lemoine
Hi there, just popping over to say hello. Thank you for your raw and honest writing. Wishing you a safe, healing, strong 2009. -monica
January 4, 2009 at 2:03 pm
CLC
Hi there, I just want to say how sorry I am for you and your husband’s loss of Silas. There are no words I can offer that will make the pain go away. I hope 2009 brings you both some peace and helps the rawness of your grief fade a bit. Thanks for stopping by my blog- I am always glad to meet new”friends” however I hate the reason why we have found each other.