I know you are all trying to be helpful and thoughtful when you say to me “don’t worry, you’ll have a beautiful family one day.” I know that. I do. I feel it in my heart and feel so lucky to know that I can get pregnant and I can grow a healthy baby. But that’s not the point. I want Silas. I want him now and every morning I wake up and he’s not there. I want him every night that I’m laying on the couch and he should be laying with me. As much as everyone in my life would like to think that I’m doing so well, you know what? I’m still not. I woke up this morning angrier then I’ve been in so long. I want my baby and I can’t have him and its just not fair.
It may seem like I’m doing better because I put a picture on my facebook page where I am actually smiling. I answer emails and phone calls, make you dinner and go have lunch and I act like nothing happened. Inside I am screaming and crying and throwing things around. I keep it together because its just easier that way. It doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable or sad to be around me. I am filled with a rage that I have never known before.
Even when I get pregnant again, even when I have a beautiful new baby to hold and love, I will still not have Silas. That won’t ever go away. I will love my future children more than I can even put into words. I will feel like I am the luckiest mom alive. I know that and I can feel it and see it. It’s just not Silas and that won’t ever change. There is nothing anyone can ever say to me that will make that fact go away or feel even remotely ok. Some days I feel ok. I do. I can be normal. When that happens, everyone around me thinks I’m fine and breathes that sigh of relief. Oh, thank god, she’s ok. But you know what, I’m not. Today I’m not. I’m terrible, I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m just not ok. And thats ok.
20 comments
Comments feed for this article
November 21, 2008 at 10:53 am
mrs.spit
No, nothing will replace Silas, and it is the height of folly to expect that one human can replace another.
And I’m sorry, because these kinds of comments just really hurt.
November 21, 2008 at 11:54 am
aujah
My thoughts are with you. I cant imagine the pain.
November 21, 2008 at 1:21 pm
laura
lani, i’m so sorry you’re having such a terrible day. i think you’ll have those “ok” days and “definitely NOT ok” days for a long time to come, unfortunately. just know that none of us assumes you’re just fine…no one is looking at your fb page, for instance, and thinking you must be dandy because you are smiling…what we see there is a little slice of you, a glimpse of the lani who can’t help but project some degree of positivity, a little bit of evidence that you, although forever changed, are still essentially, intrinsically YOU under all the pain. seeing the smile or hearing you sounding okay over the phone can’t help but give us a *teeny* bit of encouragement–looking for that is, i think, our natural tendency as human beings–but please don’t interpret that as a rejection or ignorance of your enduring pain. we know that your day-to-day behavior is merely survival for you and for chris, but we can’t help but feel proud of you when you get back into work and return calls and make dinners…those are important steps in moving forward, which is not the same as pretending nothing has happened. we’ll forever mourn silas in our lives no matter how many future kids there may be in the gallagosen–or siciliosen–household.
November 21, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Tina Berman
Hi Lani,
I am not a mother, so I can’t even imagine the pain you are feeling or what you are going through. But I do know exactly what you mean when you say you are not doing well. My best friend passed away 2 years ago. And I was not ok. My life has been forever changed because she is no longer in it. I used to think, how can people expect me to do everyday tasks like wash the dishes and act “normal” when nothing about me feels normal. You put on the “I’m fine” act for the benefit of everyone else. Because when you lose someone, everyone around you just wants you to be ok. Who the hell knows what do for a person who has suffered a terrible loss? I read your blog everyday, but never comment because I don’t know what to say to you. I know that even though you appreciate all the kindness from people, it doesn’t make your pain and anger go away. I hate that Silas is not with you, but I’m glad you know that it’s ok to not be ok.
November 21, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Cara
Yes – it is ok that you are not. It is our plight to simultaneously walk our grief road while still being required to live in this world, surrounded by everyone’s well meaning, but hurtful words.
Future children are phenomonal. Silas will always be your first baby.
Today, at the library, The Comedian picked a book about babies. She loves babies. The librarian asked, “Oh, do you know lots of babies?” And she answered in a whisper, “Silas is a baby”. I gasped, teared and pulled myself together.
She was talking about a friend’s one year old named Cyrus, but she said it wrong. She NEVER says it wrong.
It was a special moment. For me, anyway. I didn’t share it with The Comedian.
November 21, 2008 at 2:19 pm
elmcitymom
the thing is, I know people are not trying to be hurtful. they just don’t know what to say or do and that to them is appropriate and thoughtful. sometimes it is and sometimes it makes me feel ok. but this morning it made me feel terrible. the people in my life are amazing and supportive and doing the best they can. but really, no one knows what to do unless they’ve been there. and even then what can one really say? we are all here in this community supporting each other b/c we have all experienced this horrible loss. those who are lucky enough to not be part of it want to give us all the love they possibly can, but sometimes its not enough. and they know that. i appreciate everything from everyone all the time. but today i woke up pissed off and that post is how i’m feeling now.
cara- i love your anecdotes about your kids. they are so sweet. so have you mentioned Silas to them? is that why The Comedian said his name?
November 21, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Cara
Lani- he is on the wall. I say all their names. The Comedian is a baby-holic and really watches, listens and processes.
“They look like Emma.” she often says “Do they all live to God too?”
Yes love, sadly they all do.
November 21, 2008 at 3:14 pm
tash
Amen, Lani.
I have a laundry list of reasons why I fear having a subsequent child, but one is that I’m petrified people will henceforth forget Maddy. They will, incorrectly, assume that we are fine, and “whole” again, and that our “family” is finally “complete.” And it breaks my heart to pieces.
Another reason is that 20 months later and I don’t know if I want another baby, or if I just want Maddy back.
I’m afraid I have to disagree with you a bit — I think helpful, compassionate people know what to say, and don’t say hurtful things. If someone is truly tongue-tied, they say nothing, and hold your hand. When people start going on about things they truly can’t possibly understand, I wonder if they’re thinking at all — and just how much statements like that say about their fear. Fear that you’ll never be the same, fear that there is no solution to your pain. And really what they should do is just come out and say *that.*
I’m really so very sorry.
November 21, 2008 at 5:00 pm
kim gk
I love you, Lani. I’m sorry you’re having a very-not-ok day. No, we definitely don’t know what to say, but we will keep trying, and messing up, and trying again. Thinking of the three of you often. -kim
November 21, 2008 at 6:30 pm
Sally
I see it like this Lani. I don’t know what I want, and I expect everyone else to be mind readers. I want pity, but I don’t want pity. I want to be invited to your child’s birthday party, but I hate seeing the invite with that cherub faced little darling on the invite.
I realise I too, will probably go on to have a bunch of kids. And you know after this, we want as many kids as we can possibly have. And at 29, all things going well, I have a good 10 years of baby-making time ahead of me. Maybe more. But no matter if I go on to have 4 or 5 more children, Hope will always be missing. The first born. I’m sure all parents say there is something special about the first born. You don’t essentially love them more, but they are special, as they came to you first. I’m a first born. I look at my Mum and know she’s crumble if she lost me. Even now, at 29 years. With so many wonderful memories to hang on to. And what have I got? 9 months of a blissful, joyful and easy pregnancy. And 20 hours with my daughter at the hospital before we let her go. And a nice rose bush. And a tattoo. And a necklace with her name. And some lovely photos. But it is NOT ENOUGH.
Love you Lani. I’m so sorry we are both here.
November 21, 2008 at 6:33 pm
elmcitymom
I think maybe its me thinking that “only if I get pregnant will I feel good again” that made me wake up so angry. I have agreed with all who have said stuff to me about my future and having a family and it all seemed ok then. but this morning it didn’t seem ok anymore. it was like i’m already replacing silas with the thought of another baby. and it made me so upset and mad at myself. and i feel like i’m taking it out on everyone around me for letting me agree with them about that.
November 21, 2008 at 7:45 pm
judi
Lani, I don’t believe my thoughts are in any way more valid than anyone elses but I do need to say that i have winced every time someone says that you will go on to have more children. That is probably the case but it is not the point of your life right now. Unfortunately the point for Chris & yourself is to grieve Silas. As awful as this is (and it is the worst thing i can imagine) somehow this is your focus now. If & when you decide to have another baby it will be when you are physically and psychically healed. In some ways you are captive to this healing process, scream, cry, kick & sometimes laugh your way through. Silas will always be in so many hearts. I love him as I do you & Chris.
November 21, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Audra
Lani–my heart goes out to you and Chris. I really just want you to feel like “Lani” again. The Lani that is always good for a good laugh, a good talk, a hug and most of all, share great times with. Even though several years went by I will always remember our camp memories and I know the Lani that you want to be again but just can’t. That is totally okay and it is okay to be angry/mad but reality is, it is not fair that this happened to you and your world is completely changed now. But like we have discussed, somehow over time you will be o.k.-although it might take a while to feel okay, someway/somehow your silas will be looking over you and giving you strength to heal and one day and not until you are ready can you say “Now I;m ready to go on” but no one can tell you when that day will be. I want you to try to have a relaxing holiday and reach deep within yourself to try to somehow become strong again.
November 21, 2008 at 11:28 pm
mom
to my first born child…..every child is special….every child is loved…take that from me ….i am sitting here with tears running down my face after reading the dialogue that has taken place….i am sorry that i wasnt here to take your call ….i am sorry that i dont know what to do or what to say to you….i am your mother and i cant make this all go away…..you are silas’s mother and you cant change anything for him…..it sucks all around…
nothing is ever going to replace him….one child does NOT replace another…you are right to be angry and sad and totally depressed over not having him in your arms….i am missing his presence greatly…the first born grandchild is also special….as will be those who come after .
i love you and i want you to have all the good things life has to offer…you have the right to feel however you need to feel for as long as you need to feel it…..but as a mother i want to see my child happy and so if i pick up on an occassional smile or piece of postitivity please forgive me if i take it and run with it…..
there is nothing that can be done to change what has happened….all you can do is give into however you are feeling and ride it out…
we can all promise you good things in the future but first you have to get through the present…..so let those feelings happen and know that everyone in your circle of life loves you greatly and we are here when you need us…
that is all we can do ….that is all i can do.
November 22, 2008 at 1:04 am
Sally
lani I just want to stop by again to say what a lovely woman your mother is. I take so much comfort from her words also.
please know that, lani’s mum!
November 22, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Hope
My heart aches for you and that beautiful baby boy. I would love to be able to say something that can comfort you and your family but I know there is not comfort to be found right now. You will know when the time comes that you can move on. My advice and what do i know would be to be yourself (true to yourself)as you are. I think though that I am talking about experiencing other sadnesses again that do not compare and that there is a sense one is not being loyal if one smiles or can laugh or have a few moments of happiness or gaiety. You know that is not the case. Your mom grasps on to a fleeting smile cause it is too painful to her to think you are suffering so all the time. You will genuinely smile again and be happy again as impossible as that seems now. Silas will always be with you. He is at peace and now you must try to find that as well, in due time.
November 23, 2008 at 1:04 pm
JustC
I think this is something everyone knows, but they still want to find some small fact to cheer you up. No one can ever really get over a death of a loved one, especially a child…what we can hope for is just that it maybe smacks you in the gut every once in a while instead of every moment of every day. I am having my second miscarriage as I write this…I have been bleeding since I realized I was pregnant several days ago — I guess I am actually thankful that it didn’t come later in the pregnancy (silly thing to be thankful for, right?) I am in my late 30s like you. It’s sad, but at least I feel a little better telling someone. I am going to have a beautiful family someday – and you know what? You and I both already do….
November 23, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Stacey
I could not have written this better myself. After losing my 7 week old baby on August 1st, 2008, I had the same comments…still do. It is SO hard to explain to somoeone who has never experienced the loss of a child that you CANNOT replace them with other children. I will long and ache for Ethan if and when I have another baby…that will never, ever go away. Well said…
November 23, 2008 at 4:30 pm
mammaliza
i know the rage all too well and that no one knows what to say to us babylost mamas, cuz there is nothing to say really, nothing to do, except to love us where we are and know that we are different. we will never be the same. we are grieving- and anger is a real part of that. and it’s ok.
i also feel that i won’t be really happy until i have another live healthy baby, and that baby will never replace lev, my first. and there will always be a deep hole in my heart from his absence and all this trauma. someone commented up there that you are healing now and one day you will be ready, or healed (or that’s how i read it). i do think our bodies need to heal and that takes some time, and i don’t think emotionally we will ever be completely healed from this loss. but we will go on. i still have a tiny bit of hope, i have to, that i will have another baby- alive and healthy- soon. i pray (even thought i don’t really pray anymore) but i do hold that it my heart, for me and for you and all of us babylost mamas, that we will have other babies- healthy, strong, beautiful and full of life. but for now be where you are…in the rage and pain and muck…i’m there with you too.
November 26, 2008 at 1:52 pm
keira
I was reading celebrity gossip websites (a guilty pleasure), and I saw this quote from an interview with Michelle Williams:
“I just wake up each day in a slightly different place. Grief is like a moving river, so that’s what I mean by ‘it’s always changing”
It made me think of you. And of this post.
It’s so nice to read these comments and know that you’re not forging the river alone.