Its been 3 weeks today, yet it seems like it happened months ago. Time is just dragging along, I almost dread waking up each day. Mornings are still tough, I have pretty much memorized the ceiling in our bedroom. Though getting myself up out of bed has been good for me. It gives me something to do, distractions right now are so important. I’ve found myself cleaning constantly, its something productive and takes my mind off of things. We’ve had a constant flow of people with us – even some from SF to bring us hugs from our amazing group of friends out there.
But today I am here at my apt alone. Chris is working and our friends and family are taking care of themselves today. I chose to be here today alone. I could have gone to my in-laws but I decided that today, on the grayest of days, 3 weeks since Silas was born, I need to mourn by myself. I also decided that I need to laugh as well. I searched you tube for some videos of Sarah Silverman. I know it sounds strange, but I needed to watch something so silly but would also make me laugh out loud and pretend for a few minutes that I was really ok.
I also needed to read some blog posts from other mom’s who’ve lost their babies and give myself a good cry as well. We have seen an outpouring of support on this blog from other people who have suffered the same loss as us. I can’t help but to read their stories and cry with them, for them and for us. The crying for me is just as needed as the laughing.
Reality has set in, and with it comes the anger. I am so angry at life for doing this to me. I can’t help but still ask why, even when I know there is no why. I used to think things happened for a reason, but now, there can’t possibly be any reason why I have to experience such pain and hurt and anger. I used to be one of the happiest people I knew. Optimistic too. So much so, that I always saw the good in every situation, no matter what. It was where Chris and I would clash. He tended to be cautious and always saw situations with the possibility that something could go wrong. I was super carefree and saw situations with it always working out.
I never in a million years even considered the possibility of losing my baby right after he was born. Even when they said he wasn’t breathing, I didn’t panic. I thought to myself “this happens all the time and then the baby starts to breathe.” Even when they rushed him to the hospital, I still kept believing everything would be alright.
Because of this, this whole situation has been like a punch to the stomach. How could this happen to me? Why? Why? Why? There is no why, I know that now. Bad things happen. They just do. All the time, every day to millions of people all over the world. I had been blessed, my life was great, I had everything I could possibly want. Now I’m one of those millions of people who are suffering. Oh, we will move forward, we will have beautiful children one day, but we are new to this kind of pain. This helpless feeling where nothing anyone says or does could make it all better. There are no do-overs or take backs as much as I replay it in my head a zillion times in a zillion different happy endings.
We are so appreciative of the cards, gifts, money, flowers, fruit, food, phone calls, blog comments, emails, visits, everything. We are overwhelmed by it. I knew we had wonderful people in our life already, even people we didn’t know who are reaching out. It’s pretty amazing actually. But I didn’t need a tragedy to be reminded of it. I always saw the good in humanity and loved that I was like that. I’m a changed person, I know that now. I hate the fact that I will carry sadness and bitterness with me forever. I hate the fact that I have to look at life through a new lens. Its so not me though, it feels uncomfortable. I need to unearth some of that optimism that I know is still buried there deep within me and say that one day, maybe, my old self will resurface more often than not and that I will find that happiness again.
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October 16, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Sally in Australia
Oh Lu, I don’t know you, but so much of what you have just written hits home with me. We must be very similar people. I just keep saying why me? Why us? Why Hope? I too hate that I not only have to mourn my daughter, who departed just before your Silas in similar, sensless circumstances, but that I have to mourn the old me as well. Unlike you, it still feels like it happened yesterday to me. Eight weeks have past, yet I feel like time has stood still. My world stopped spinning the day she stopped breathing (the day before she was born). I can understand your need to be alone. We have been overwhelmed with support too, but grieving by myself in our appt has also been welcome. I am encouraged to hear the determination in your voice when you say you want to go on to have more children. And that you are confident you will have them. We too want to go on to have a big family, and hope I can feel the joy of life growing inside of me again in the not too distant future. I wish the same for you and your lovely husband. You are not walking this journey alone Lu. I just wish I had a reason as to why bad things happen to good people like us and our babies.
October 16, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Sally in Australia
…and I know you will have been told this a bazillion times by a bazillion different people in the last three weeks but if you want to “talk”, please don’t hesitate to drop me an email xo
October 16, 2008 at 9:33 pm
keira
You are still the same lovely lady who ambushed my Dan with hugs the night before your wedding–someone you didn’t even know. We like to talk about that night a lot.
I know your spirit is crushed, but I also know it is not beyond repair. We look forward to ambushing you and Chris with hugs soon.
October 16, 2008 at 10:15 pm
JennieB
Lani, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. In a sense, its comforting to read both your words and Chris’s. Jimmy and I can’t wait to see you both so soon.
October 17, 2008 at 6:47 am
heather
hey lani, you are forever changed, but you will know peace again. it is just too soon right now. take your time and move slowly, but do keep walking.
sending love to my favorite farmers market coffee girl. xo
October 17, 2008 at 7:00 am
Jeni
Although we have never met, I can imagine what kind of woman you are. Chris and I grew up together and he only ever surrounded himself with the most genuine human beings on the planet. I can’t possibly fathom what the two of you are going through, but each day I get up and read this blog and reach into my heart and send out as much love and positive energy that I can into the universe and hope somehow it reaches you both. There are no words that can make the pain go away, but I hope that with time your pain is eased and your heart will be open again to loving a child, your child. Please know that you, Chris and Silas are in my heart daily.
October 17, 2008 at 7:18 am
Cara
Lulu – I’m so glad to see your words on this blog. Your husband is…amazing, astounding with words, one of the mourning fathers in this world that actually expresses their grief in the beginning…He is extraordinary.
But, I have been so worried about you. It is good to hear you are reading our stories and mad at the world.
Sally’s right…people will offer a millions times, “Whatever you need, name it” – but there’s nothing they can tangibly give that will quell your pain.
We, the subset of the world defined as “grieving parents”, are the net. As time drags and yet more babies are lost it our job to support each other, regardless of time, space, distance, and type of loss.
I, too, am always just a click away. My computer has caught many tears for you, Chris and Silas.
Much love
Cara
October 17, 2008 at 10:41 am
Lauren Fanti
Hi Lani, I just read your recent post and it struck me very deeply. As you know I am a new mom, and Mark and Melissa are like family to me so I have been closely following your experience and have learned from your terrible loss that no one is safe. I feel that my outlook on life is very similar to yours…extreme optimism and always expecting that things will work out favorably. Before having Lola I experienced a miscarriage and I recall when I first had signs that something was wrong my thoughts were very similar to yours…”this happens all the time, it’s normal, everything is fine”…. I did not panic at all. While I want to maintain as positive an outlook as possible in my life (this is obviously the better choice than the alternate: negativity and worry) I want you to know that as a result of witnessing your loss, I have adopted now more than ever, a deep gratitude for every single second of my life that is blessed with peace and health and the safety of my loved ones. Because I know that my world could be turned upside down at any moment and that I too could be forced to travel a similar road of pain. I know that your innate optimism will resurface Lani and you will use it to somehow make sense of what has happened…in your own time. I hope this weekend in New Hampshire brings you some laughter, love and peaceful moments with your family. Love, Lauren
October 17, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Laura
Lani, you will always carry the sadness and hurt, but I believe you will regain some trust in this world…I know for a fact that it’s impossible for you to not marvel at a blooming sunflower, to not gasp at a full moon, to not revel in a good concert, or a delicious meal. You are forever altered, but you are still you: a beautiful, strong, loving, creative, ambitious, generous person who instinctively finds the good in other people. None of that has changed. No matter how lost you feel these days, you’ll still come out of this as you–battered, yes, but resilient, determined Lani.
As for faith in humanity, let’s wait till Election Day before we come to any rash conclusions…
Love, Laura
October 17, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Sheri
Lani,
You will always be YOU – amazing wonderful YOU!! Your spirit and soul are divine and that never changes. You just can’t see or feel or believe the divine’s in there right now but it is. Eventually, YOU will shine through and grace this world with your beautiful presence. I promise. I love you so much…
Love,
Sheri
October 19, 2008 at 9:51 am
Linda
I have been reading this blog for a little while, and I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through. What a beautiful baby, what a tragic loss. I cried many tears for you and your family. I have always had a deep appreciation for life’s blessings, for good health, family and friends. I now appreciate it more than ever, because things can change so quickly. I am a new mom, and I think I will be a better mom, because I can no longer feel stressed or overwhelmed when things seem hard. My heart goes out to you and to all the moms that have experienced this tragedy.
Sending you love, hope and positive energy-
October 19, 2008 at 10:46 am
Jaimie
lou-
I haven’t cried in about a week. I feel tears well-up when I read Chris’ blog, but yours allowed me to cry freely. We are so different but I feel your pain the way you feel pain. It’s like we are connected by our heart like twins- like sisters. Like only a sister knows. I always thought I could say anything to you and have all the right words to make things right- I can’t this time. I have no idea. I have no words like everyone else here, no words. I hope you can feel the love in my heart for you, for Chris, for Silas, the way I feel your sadness.
We are from the same a mind, a mom who taught us to always think positive. Always think forward, always think fairly and reasonably. This is one that confuses all of what we learned. It is impossible to think anything but “why?’
We have the strength of family, friends and each other. I love you more than any words, the same way I have no words for this grief I have no words for a description of how much I love you. I always say we are so different so opposite, but one thing we are is family. Of the same mind and heart. And believe it or not I also you tubed all Sarah Silverman last weekend to deal with my sadness. Like sisters.
xo- J
October 20, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Dalene
Hi Lani,
So much of what you have written rings true to me. I mourn the old carefree me who was sure that things would work out for the best. I feel like I was duped…who knew that babies die in labor or as a result of labor in this day and age? It is maddening. Why can’t there be a do-over? Why can’t we try again to get him out safely? The questions are endless.
I wanted to invite you to the Pregnancy and Birth Loss board at Mothering.com: http://www.mothering.com/discussions/forumdisplay.php?f=22. I found the board when my son died in labor in April. There are several women who’ve had fullterm losses that have been enormously helpful. Sometime the only people who really understand are those who have been through the fire. I also recently began attending a hospital support group for parents who have lost babies and have found the meetings to be helpful.
Many hugs to you.